You may have something there with the matching neurosis theory, but I disagree with lowering expectations as the road to happy relationships.

@TomMcGiverin My standards used to be too unrealistic, especially when it came to superficial characteristics like looks, etc. And then at the age of 55 I allowed myself to get to know a man who didn't especially match my ideals, but he turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

All successful relationships involve compromise on how you spend your time together, what activities you share, what your plans are for the future, etc. At the same time you are doing this you can do so without lowering your standards for the type or quality of person you choose going into and during the relationship.

@TomMcGiverin Well since I've never feared being alone, I have never entered into a partnership with anyone who was 'less than'

@MsDemeanour Very important. I think many people do lower their standards for the type of partner as the lesser evil than being alone.

@TomMcGiverin I never knew that until i was in my 30's when I said to a friend "why is she with that jerk" and my friend replied, "not everyone is as lucky as you but they still want to marry and have a family so they settle". Perhaps I was lucky

@MsDemeanour Perhaps you were. I feel like my late wife probably "settled" some in choosing to be with me, but in other ways maybe not. By the time she met me what she seemed to care about most in a man was his character, not his money/status or even being good-looking. I was way better character than her ex and was also very supportive and nurturing to her, unlike the ex, so I think that counted a lot to her. She didn't need a man with lots of money or status because she already had a good career and her own money. Just needed someone to share time and life with her and also respect her independent nature. So, the ? of if she settled depends, I suppose, on what things someone values the most in a partner..and those things most valued depend on the individual.

Some really value good looks and great sex in a partner, some value money and status in a partner, some value having all or most of the same interests, etc. and would consider choosing a partner who lacked in the high value areas to be settling in choosing them even if the person was very compatible in everything else. Since no one is perfect or ideal, we are all probably settling in some ways without even knowing it and, but the more obvious cases of settling are the ones people talk about.

@TomMcGiverin Your wife most certainly did not compromise on you. My husband had many wonderful assets but the thing I most valued was that he was an 'honourable man'. Do you know how rare that is? I know it is an old fashioned word, and some may laugh but it covers so many areas. I have tried to instil this value in my sons.

@MsDemeanour Thanks for the compliment MsD. I think the fact that my wife's previous hubby was an alcoholic and drug addict that also cheated on her probably lowered the bar quite a bit for her on character, but if so I'm glad it worked out well for us. I know that if she had still been with him later when she got dementia he would have been too messed up himself to have stayed with her and looked after her. Maybe that's what she was preparing for when she got involved with me, I'll never know..but she already knew there was a family history of dementia and that she would eventually get it.
I was also aware of this when I married her.

@TomMcGiverin I just checked out your profile. Id say your wife was very lucky. You're interesting, intelligent and left wing! Damn shame you're not Australian! lol

@MsDemeanour Yup, if you lived near me, I'd want to meet. Too bad this site is pretty much made up of people living large distances from other members.