Today is the 3rd anniversary of my papa's last day alive. He had just got cleared to return to work and was so happy. The Jayhawks won and he just had a wonderful day. When he came home at 2 am he did a little dance in our doorway and was talking so excitedly about how happy he was and how good of a day it was.
An hour later he came out of his room and said his heart wasnt working right again. We wheeled him in a chair to the front door, so he could get some cold air.
Mom called 911, and our police friend Derrick happened to stop by and helped. While mom was on the phone I noticed he wasnt breathing and his heart rate was way too fast. Derrick said we needed to do CPR. Papa turned and reached toward me and I took his hand and he turned blue. I picked him up and laid him on the floor and Derrick cut off his shirt and started CPR.
The neighbor down the street is a paramedic and she heard me scream and came down.
It took 30 minutes for dispatch to page the ambulance. Within 20 he was gone. The ambulance finally arrived and they couldn't intubate him. As we loaded him on the stretcher they stopped in the middle of our yard to shock him.
All the sound stopped and these huge snowflakes started falling and mom and I both just started at the red and blue lights bouncing off these giant fluffy snowflakes and then he was gone.
It was just....surreal and terrible and everything I never wanted to experience and this is the first time I can even bring myself to talk about that experience. I've been suffering from PTSD since then. I have breakdowns and flashbacks and I throw up when someone codes at work that I have the misfortune to see. The snow makes me want to scream and crawl inside myself.
I forgot to request this weekend off, which I usually do because these two days are the absolute worst.
I don't want to go to work. I don't want to have to exist today or tomorrow.
But mostly I just don't want to remember how empty my life feels without him.
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.You have my condolences.
If I may, I'd like to share, and make an observation.
My wife died on December 25th of 2013. 6 of the last words we shared were "I love you." Me to her, and her in response. I cherish the fact that at least I have that affirmation, directly from her, before she left me.
It sounds like your dad left on a high note, a happy day. He got to go to work, by mentioning that I think you are telling us it must have been important to him. His favored team won, and, again, by mentioning that it must've been important for him. He did a little dance upon returning home... he was happy.
Let me tell you, if I have to go out, and we all do, I want to go out on such a note.
I doubt this helps, much, but I hope it does, or can.
Gnarloc
Level 7
Dec 30, 2018
0
He had the best last day ever. And all the smiles and happiness he had that day shine through. But I'm haunted by the look of sheer terror and the begging and screaming that he didn't want to die. Holding him in my arms, telling him he promised to make it to the release of batman vs. Superman...(we took his ashes, dressed up the box in his hat and stickers of batman and superman, the theater gave us an entire section they were very kind and accommodating)
He was so excited to return to work. He loved work. He had had another heart attack a few months prior, and they gave us that medicine to stick under his tongue to help, and he finally got cleared to go back to work. He was happy as a clam.
Apparently his cardiologist knew he was going to die very soon, but wanted him to be happy, so he just signed off on it and didnt tell anyone that he was going to die next time.
He expressed his regret for not telling us, but that he just wanted papa to enjoy his last days.
I'm still livid at the dispatcher because she took 30 minutes to page out the ambulance. We live literally 4 blocks from the ambulance station. I know he would have still died, but I just can't help blaming her. As a dispatcher myself, if I took 30 minutes to page a code blue, I'd be sued.
Everyone tells me to remember the good times and the love and how close we were but honestly that's what hurts the absolute most. I miss him and our fun times. I desperately want to talk to him again, to hear him make funny noises in his room (he couldn't stand being quiet. His favorites were "skiboober" and "WOOOOOO!" ) and it hurts like my own heart attack to remember those times because of how much I miss him.
You have a great picture of you two together. I would think that is much to help you keep him in your memories.
dalefvictor
Level 8
Dec 29, 2018
1
It does sound as if he had a wonderful last day. I'm so sorry it disintegrated into a terrible evening for you. I'm not going to offer platitudes because whatever anyone says today or tomorrow won't help at all. Just know that you do have a community of people here who will listen (actually, read) to anything you want to share. Remember the love. One day those memories will outweigh the sad ones.
ladyprof70
Level 7
Dec 29, 2018
2
So sorry for your Dad's loss-I lost mine 4 years ago and no one told me till a day or two later. We had a wicked fight on the phone and I never got a chance to hug him and say I' m sorry.
sassygirl3869
Level 9
Dec 29, 2018
1
He was my grandfather, actually. But more like a dad to me in all honesty. I was always papas girl.
My sympathy :'( but rereading the first paragraph, I hope my last day will be as joyful. :'
seattlepanda
Level 7
Dec 29, 2018
0
I sympathize,I recently experience the death of my girlfriend.That was the worst experience of my life?
WayneDalton
Level 8
Dec 29, 2018
1
I lost my dad (unexpectedly) eleven months ago. I am four states away. I will likely miss him for the rest of my life.
My husband drew his last breath while holding my hand in our home (where I still live). That last night's events played repeatedly, like a horrible movie in my memory for several years after. It eventually stopped, thankfully. Now, I can cling to the sweeter times, which are like precious gifts to me.
(((((hugs))))) to you and yours as your memories rise this time of year...
Zster
Level 8
Dec 29, 2018
2
My Mom was that way after seeing my Great Aunt code in an elevator, She was just glad she was trapped at the foot of the stretcher and not my Dad (a cardiac patient himself).
I watched my own Dad have a massive heart attack. It was a helpless feeling. And when we got to the ER I could hear him for the two hours it took for him to code.
Yup small Hospital. Could hear way too much. I wish they'd let me in there. At least he'd have had family with him.
At least he had you for his last moments.
I'm sorry you're still reliving it.
RavenCT
Level 9
Dec 29, 2018
2
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