Honestly, at no point in my life has it been "easy". Social interactions, writing, reading, work, "being social", dating, networking, every single step is a struggle. Certainly I can enjoy the results of this hard work when things "go right". But none of it was free, everything required sacrificing something to get there or get to the goal.

I'm just beside myself with people that live on what seems luck. By putting in none of the effort and yet things just work out. Or they get help or devotion from others without little effort or giving anything in return.

I can be thankful for what I've built. But every so often envy trickles into my mind and a sense of being wronged clouds my judgement.

This spurs my anxiety and a feedback loop of working even harder to "make things perfect" to put in a lot of deep thinking on a subject to make the math, programming, design and art "look right"... to the point of obsession.

Meanwhile, . . . oh look I got a free beer.. thanks. Oh wait, hey buddy can I get a hamburger today and pay you next Tuesday?

AARGGG..