How to run for president:

1. Find out everything you can about what the sheep want.
2. Pretend to support everything the sheep want.
3. Tell the military industrial complex you will kiss their ass.
4. Tell Israel you will kiss their ass.
5. Tell Saudi Arabia you will kiss their ass.
6. Tell the corporate scum you will kiss their ass.
7. Tell the rest of the plutocrats (Since obviously you are one of them) you will kiss their ass.
8. Ask for campaign donations from all aforementioned asses you have kissed.
9. Ask for donations from the sheep.
10. Accuse any of you fellow candidates of being backed by Russia.
11. Rely on delegates to elect you if you can't get the popular vote.

How to be president:

1. Start fucking the sheep.
2. Start fucking the environment
3. Start a new war.
4. Add in a few coups.
5. Try to set the record for bombing other countries
6. Try to set the record for droning people out of existence.
7. Expect the Nobel Peace Prize.
8. Bitch about people exposing your war crimes.
9. Send them to jail.
10. Kiss all of the above mentioned asses, repeat often as possible.
11. Never admit that you whored yourself out to pretend to be the leader, when in fact you are but a tool.