I never forget how existentially exhausted I am. However, I prefer to focus on the bits of my life that work correctly and the things I find interesting. I don't have the luxury of putting my head up my ass because I have loved ones who depend on me and care about me. I don't want to bring them down with me. In fact, I want to lift them up.

So I have let go of the hopes and dreams and aspirations that this kid I once was used to have and I live in the present. It works tolerably well.

My first thought upon awaking, "Oh shit! I'm still here!"

No, never. I don't pretend to understand, but I do recognize that people are going through things I will probably never understand. Perhaps I can help by being supportive of research into what affects the human mind and how to remedy the adverse affects. I'm glad I no longer believe it's about the Christian view of sin. That's a bunch of fucking bullshit, and it pisses me of to no end.

From growing up with a schizophrenic parent, one thing I learned is that while your brain is you, it often generates things that aren't exactly you.

For at least 20 years now, there have been very few days where I didn't envision myself dying. I don't exactly think about it, it just pops into my head. Dying while driving, suicide, getting mauled to death by a grizzly bear that I was fist fighting, accidents at work, random stuff falling out of the sky like some Donnie Darko shit, even some sort of supernatural spikes mysteriously appearing from my mattress and impaling me. At random, anywhere at anytime, a thought like that will flash through my mind.

The good thing is, like I said, your thoughts aren't always "you". Just because you think it doesn't mean you have to do it.. or even want it. I mean, I don't want to die or stop living life.. even with the nonstop barrage of visions of death. Most of our thoughts are just subconscious background noise, I suggest you treat the negative ones as such.

often. just the idea of blessed relief can be almost overpowering.

It sometimes gets better. Please don’t forget that.

Yes, I’ve done that one. And then I remember that things have always worked out in the past so they will now!

True. Also, people with androgynous traits have clashing male and female hormones that seem to promote depression.

Things that have helped in my case-hormone balancing herbs, CBD oil, cannabis oil (no smoking, just partial droppers of oil).

Taking early morning walks,

eating sardines or mackerel several times a week,

taking derris scandens, a Thai muscle relaxer. You can buy the capsules on amazon, that also relaxes you, raises your mood. In my case, I was gender fluid, but taking derris scandens blended my gender identity so I can now live as an androgynous woman.

Taking 5-htp, St. John's Wort.

Getting a gentle, cuddly pet to nurture.

Joining a community group that does activities that interest you.