No shit was looking for a delusion not a real person no one is perfect everyone has flaws you accept that and they accept yours it's life . Find someone who is compatible with your beliefs and lifestyle accepts your flaws and you accept theirs meet up see if you each have chemistry and then explore things together

Everyone has dealbreakers. But it also depends on what those dealbreakers are, and how many. Likes, appearance, interests, personality quirks -- those make little difference to me. What matters is: is this a good person, does he take ownership of who he is and does he appreciate me for who I am? And beyond all the outside trappings, do we "get" each other and have each other's well-being at heart? It's actually hard to describe something like that because it's not talking about external stats, it's something internal that you either connect with or you don't. When it becomes more about the external traits, that's diverting attention from what's really important, probably because it's also extremely scary to be your real vulnerable self with someone else. But that's at the heart of any loving relationship.

I guess the balance between compromise and settling can be a delicate one to strike.

That was sure sweet of you to do all that for the kitties and your wife but wouldn't it have been a lot easier to just take an allergy pill?

I think people need to talk more and think less. There's a tendency to make online dating into something that resembles other things we do with computers, like spreadsheets and forms and folders. And email... I think, based on my experience (albeit limited and subjective) that the more time you spend in electronic world, the easier it is to lie by omission (E.g. send those nice personal get to know you emails, but only talk about the parts of yourself you like), and create huge pedestals where none need exist (The higher the pedestal the harder the fall... e.g. I'm talking to someone online, who pushes all the right buttons, but when we finally meet, he/she says one little thing i don't like, and they become a disaster in my eyes).

EXCELLENT! Thanks for that.

Great advice Dave. Excellent post.

Very good post and analysis, BigWave...

I take it a little further...
The expectation going in, of marriage(or L-T).
There is no way we can determine "chemistry" online, even phone chats.And it's impossible
to list all characteristics and behaviors that will annoy, as well as unexpectedly delight.
What's the problem with identifying someone as safe and with some(not all)commonality
and just being friends, and seeing where it goes?...

Further, things often don't work out. If expectations going in are enormous, deciding to
not go ahead becomes trauma("broken heart" )...
Really, it doesn't have to be this way.

Very interesting.
Mark

Very analytical and objective. Well said.

Great post, thanks for sharing your thoughts! I have a few parameters for the man I seek, and while most are "guidelines" in my mind, the one thing I'm not wanting to ignore is a religious attitude - that would be a deal-breaker. Another deal-breaker is a smoker; I simply cannot handle being around a smoker (not up-close, and who wants to be distant?!?). Life is a series of compromises, but some issues are more rigid than others.

The misandry in these responses. How dare men ask for or expect something in return for dating me. The selfish pigs. It appears the final result here is we're all ok living by ourselves.

I struggle with this and have been thinking about it alot. At the same time, everything you say is true. For instance in the above, some people can not be with smokers for health reasons. They would just be in danger or physically ill like all the time. So you do have to have some criteria for your health and well being. I have three filters, but sadly, they are huge and probably knocks me down to almost 0% but I don't know the answer.
One is I'm polyamorous.. Asking me to change this is is like asking gay people to be straight. It's not changing, I've tried changing it, and it just leads to conflicts and trouble.
Two is what puts me on this site. I'm not just an anti-theist. Dating a theist would just be constant fights, as it is hard to be with someone that you think is doing something you consider evil on a constant basis. And Three is Lefist politics. Again, the right ring wants us all to die, and I can not get myself to be with people who work for or support what amounts to a nazi fascist ideology. (if you disagree with this that's fine..but we won't be dating.). So poly eliminates 95% of the population. Athiest eliminates about 92% of the population, (agnostics are still fine), and Leftist eliminates about 50%.. What am I do. IT's a wonder i've ever met anyone. But at the same time, we need standards. I think maybe it's harder as we are older and certain things are much harder to change. So now I look at this and i'm really depressed. Alone forevermore I guess.

Funny how processes of elimination often whittle down choices to one.
Monogamy should really be more inclusive. Don't you think?

It may be well to tell your friend not to be so hasty anyway. I know that life is short and he is not young, but you are not yourself after loosing a partner for at least a year, ( The old idea of mourning for twelve months at least, had some wisdom. ) your judgment is very impaired by grief for a long time, and you can easily make silly mistakes.