Agnostic.com

48 15

I have a bit of an embarrassing confession to make.

Every relationship I've ever had was with someone I met on a dating site or app (except for that one guy I went on a double date with to help a friend). I'm afraid I don't know how to meet potential partners in real life! And at this point I've been single so long I feel like I've forgotten how to flirt and date.

I don't pressure myself much to "get out there" and I feel totally fine with singledom right now. My concern lies with the future. I don't want to be alone forever. So, what do I do? Do I keep doing nothing and hope someone will come along? Do I make an effort, even just a small one, even if I'm not sure of what I want?

NicThePoet 7 Mar 14
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

48 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

0

Hello, I have been on dating sites for years and have met some very interesting people, including some very nasty ones. Put yourself out there but be very vigilant. Don't be embarrest, we all go through this sometime. Regards Valdin

25

Find interests outside of work. Volunteer. Become politically involved. You will meet people with similar interests. It's a way to start.

tioteo Level 8 Mar 14, 2018
7

I'd say join local interest groups, take classes and seminars, etc., and see if you can find some like-minded people to make connections with — friendships, potential romances, whatever.

7

I don't think there is anything wrong with meeting people on a dating site. I met my wife on one and I am very happy. I don't think you should worry about it if you are content being single. I would not worry about the future either. When you are ready, there will be plenty of people to meet. Relax!

Nuke Level 5 Mar 14, 2018
5

Double your age, move to an island, develop a high sense of priorities and then look for commonalities, emotional stability and reason as a guide and then grouse. you have a long life ahead. One secret is to use networking and join groups.

5

I don't think it's a bad thing that you've met everyone you've dated online. I met both of my ex's irl if that's any help. 😉

4

Like riding a bike ... when you are ready it will just come naturally.

By the number of responses you are getting to your posts I don't think you really have to DO much. They seem to be flocking to you.

4

There's nothing wrong with meeting people online--it's a good way to meet people you might not have otherwise, it can be less intimidating, and even more convenient.
That being said, as long as you're happy as of right now, that's all that matters. Of course you can make an effort to find someone, there's nothing wrong with that, but no doubt someone will happen along regardless of what you decide.
Good luck!

Mea Level 7 Mar 14, 2018
4

Honestly I completly understand. I'm curently in the same boat. I try online dating sites but it's hard to keep the conversation entertainning when its through chat. I don't comprohend when people are flurting with me, I just assume they are being nice. I've lost count how many girls I have friend zoned because I assumed that she just wanted to be friends. I'm a major idiot when it comes to talking to women in a Non friend way.

4

Some of my happiest times were when I was single, but I made some friends in a club I was in. We would go do things as a group, and had some great times. Then one day I met my wife, and we've been together ever since. You just have to go where there are people. You're an attractive woman, someone will find you.

Yeah, like you say, someone will find her - then her worries begin. 🙂

@El-loco Amen brother.

4

Online dating sites, or go to events/meetups is all I know. I've been solo to bars often, and have yet to form a relationship from any of the men I've met there. As in, exactly zero dates.

I've had the best luck through online dating, personally.

3

Nothing wrong with meeting people online, just shows the times we live in. Friends of mine are in arranged marriages, I have been in relationships with 2 ladies I had worked with.
I think it depends on how much of a priority meeting potential partners is, as to whether you need to get out there.
I feel there will be many people who will not be in relationships as we get older.
I already have lots of ladies lined up to argue with when I am old and cantankerous in the nursing home.

3

I met my last girlfriend at a mutual friends party, and the one before that at a bookstore. Do whatever your comfortable with. Maybe step outside of your comfort zone just a little bit.

3

If you figure it out, please let all of us decent, single guys know how it's done

Hang around bed bath and beyond. It's full of women looking for things they don't need.

3

Don't pressure yourself at all. Just enjoy doing things you love and mingle in groups or gatherings of interest to you. Don't feel you are missing out on anything without a partner, enjoy being totally yourself. You might be surprised to meet someone who enjoys the same things as you. I've heard this works, but it hasn't happened for me yet.

3

Most milennials meet online these days right. Do you belong to Meetup.com? Lots in Worcester area-check them out.

3

Maybe you could find some sort of non-believer meetups in your area to go to.
At the very least you could go there to speak with like minded people without much pressure and if you do meet somone you like you won't be wondering about their beliefs.

2

There are no rules. I go with instincts. I strike up a conversation and if she likes what I am saying or at least finds it interesting, the ice is broken. Humor can be introduced. I like the idea of anticipating what she is going to say next and then adding little bits to stimulate the conversation. It could catch her off guard and lead to some pretty interesting discussion. Laughter is always good. Eventually if all goes well, you like each other's company, etc. etc.

2

I hope this helps someone. In 2004 I met a woman online. She was from Kenya and we talked for 6 months online and also on the telephone. We talked daily. I flew to Africa to visit her that July and we decided to marry. I did the paperwork and got her here by December of 2004. Our marriage lastest 12 years. Sometimes relationships end even if you meet them in this country. Sometimes they last a lifetime regardless.
The best I can tell anyone is check out the options and do what you think is right. It's all about your life and therefore is your decision.

That's an incredible story! Thank you for sharing.

2

Find something you always wanted to do but haven't. The people involved will be more interesting.

2

This. I feel like the move away from traditional dating has crippled my ability to find a partner because I hate the impersonality of online dating. And when I eventually buckle and go out to a place where traditionally you can meet people, everyone is so cloistered in their friends it makes it impossible to break through. It feels like everyone has quietly decided they don't want to date at all and I missed the memo. I'm a little glad that my life is working out fine without dating, because it's not loneliness, it's the unavailability of people that sucks the most.

2

Is there still shame in online dating? I thought just about everyone in the dating pool was doing it, these days.

I can remember (going back 20 years or more) when joining any kind of dating service or placing any kind of dating ad made you a "sad old git" (thanks, Bottom.) I resorted to it because I worked 40 miles from where I lived, meaing that work didn't really create any social opportunities to meet anyone. Meanwhile, my home routine of the same friend in the same position as me, going to the same pub, having the same 3 pints and buying the same pizza on the way home. That was achieving nothing.

I met my first longish term partner through "Dateline" - a paid postal service where they would send you details of suitable people and you would write to the ones who interested you. Met the woman I stayed with for 17 years via that lonely hearts ad in a newspaper (I'd posted it, she responded.) Met the guy I was with for over a year via a trans social website with a dating element. Funnily enough, the guy I'm seeing now is the only one I've ever just bumped into randomly and just clicked with. Dating services have the added bonus that you know anyone you meet on there is potentially interested. I've always been hopeless at reading that in someone I've just met socially, either missing the signs that they're interested, or thinking they are when they're not, which leads to a ton of embarrassment.

As I said earlier, I don't think there should be any stigma to using dating services now. Anyone who's eligible to date and has the technlogy is on Tinder, PoF, Badoo or similar. Partly because current technology makes such things accessible to the masses, and partly because that technology is a form of socialisation these days.

2

I like being alone (most of the time) , that being said I found most my dates at bars and online. Think about what you want your partner to be then look for him in the corresponding area. I look for women in bookstores and libraries. In the past I liked in bars, my tastes have changed. So will yours.

2

Just get out there. When you come across someone you like, you are only experiencing a problem if you do not act upon it.

2

i met my wife through a friend. i met the woman i love at a conference. Just be "open."

2

I will start with a bit of a disclaimer: I am very unhappy with my results from several dating sites. In close to three years I have had 5 dates, if I have the count right. None of them lasted for various reasons and no, I do not have a clue in at least one case. That said, I have friends who are happily married and met through dating web sites, back when they were nascent!

So, I am going to start with: there is NOTHING wrong with using a dating web site to reach out. That doesn't mean you will find success on the first date.

That said, nothing says you will have success on the first date when NOT using a dating web site. Over the course of a decade, I dated 7 women and married the 7th one... I'd given up at that point and really was concentrating on my degree, and life and... a cute red head bounced into the room... and the rest is (convoluted, and not helful here) history.

Now, I am back at the 'I give up' point, mostly. I AM monitoring the dating sites as two are paid for, why not. But, I came up with a clever plan!

/e checks right foot to make sure it has not fallen off (British Comedy: Black Adder)

Through work (weird but true) I was introduced to volunteering at Next Step Recycling. You get to earn a (second hand) computer doing so, but you meet people. No, don't ask them all out for dinner. While this WILL be successful in getting you dinner, it probably isn't a good filtration plan. 🙂 Instead, just mingle. Work, really. You will socialize, and so will they, no matter what. It's the way we humans are.

Don't be too stand offish. Sure, give that old fart the cold shoulder but that normal looking guy, no, he's not actually normal... see that guy in the corner who is being quiet and respectful? Watch them a few times going there, see who is 'stable' (shows up with regularity) and get to know them. Start out by joining them on break or going to lunch with them. That sort of thing.

And, I know, Next Step might not be your thing. Go to Habitat For Humanity. Here there is a store associated with the distribution of raw materials for building/repairing homes and that store needs/uses volunteers. More great people to get to know.

I find these methods better than bars, clubs, etc because you can TALK. You can observe them out "in the wilds" and see how they act around others. Are they panting after EVERY girl/guy that comes by? Do they give you a weird vibe? Did that vibe wear off as you got to know them? What is their work situation? Do they have someone as boy/girlfriend already?

You can learn all of the above and if they give you 'that' vibe, don't associate with them... but, don't refrain from working next to them and finding out who they really are, unless of course it's not a VIBE but a truly wrong come-on. A-La SCROTUS or something. THEN stay away! Actually, report them to the authority at the volunteer site. This is one of the reasons it's nice, you have a fall back protection squad as they want the place to be safe for ALL volunteers so, if someone is a bad apple, they will send them out to the compost!

I am not even sure I should, or need, to mention that the sites I work at have a decent incident of people who are developmentally disabled. That said, if you have no real experience with people who are DD, this is a great chance to get said experience. They really are people too! Odd that. 🙂 That said, I can understand how it can be off putting.

Long and short: go out and socialize at various places. You will meet people and, at worst, develop techniques for doing exactly that. Who knows, you might meet that special someone. 🙂

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:37233
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.