{{{originally posted on}}}
6-6-06 (Seriously folks, if you love your faith, Don’t Read This!!!)

Well, I guess today's the right day to tell you about this one...

As some of you might know, I'm a non-believer. Yeah, I know, SHOCKING!!! However, just because I'm right A LOT, doesn't mean I'm right all the time, so I have a theory for each direction:

My "If God Doesn't Exist" Theory: One day, before they had a chance to "seal the deal" Joe found out Mary was with child. Quite pissed that his bride was pregnant even though he had never come to "know" her, Joe began beating Mary within an inch of her life in the attempt of learning the identity of the father. Mary, torn by fear & pain, not wanting herself or her lover to be killed in retaliation for their sin, cried, "God did it!"
....and so a religion was born.

My "God Does Exist" Theory: Have you all seen F.F.Coppola's version of Bram Stoker's "Dracula"? Vlad becomes a vampire simply by cursing God hard enough. What if, during Jesus' "Father, why hast thou art forsaken me..." breakdown, Jesus cursed hard enough TOO? They buried him in his tomb, but like a vampire, he rose again. Only problem though, he didn't quite know what he was. From what I've gathered from one of the Bible's many rewrites, Jesus rose from the grave, showed his followers his wounds, & shortly thereafter, "Ascended to Heaven in a brilliant flash of light." Yeah, more like "Burst into flames as the morning sun rose from the east!" Savior, or worlds first, slowest & stupidest vampire??

You decide.

—-

FUN SIDENOTE:

During my day to day musings, I'm often called the "Anti-Christ" & for a while that label didn't bother me. Hell, at work, I'm often called "El Diablo Loco Blanco". My first theory makes me wonder however, whether Mary was the first to use the "God did it!" excuse. What if another tried it, but was subsequently beaten too severely for her indiscretion & miscarried? Now, in the face of this theory, when called the Anti-Christ, I say, "I'm not the Anti-Christ, I'm the second coming of the first immaculate conception & was written right out of the Bible."

God Damn It.