This is a toxic person in your life. Sever contact. I think it is wonderful that you choose to honor your friend with a memorial get together at a restaurant. I recently attended a get together of mutual friends of a dear friend of mine who suddenly died. It was held at one of his friends homes, and we brought food and shared memories. This is because he did not follow any particular belief system, and had specified to this family that he did not want a funeral.

I would not admit that any behavior of this asshat "drives you crazy" because he's probably enough of an asshat to double-down on it and ENJOY driving you crazy. In any case, this is your chosen emotional response so it's not really his responsibility.

Also I think it's clear that he believes his belief is better than yours or he would believe what you do, and vice versa. If he were a liberal Christian he might believe his belief is better than yours FOR HIM and could conceive of the notion that your [un]belief is better than his FOR YOU. But that's just not going to happen no matter how much you try to hammer it in. Let go of the need to be acknowledged as "right" here, especially by the likes of him. That's just giving away your power.

Taking this out of the realm of belief vs unbelief, let me share with you how my wife handled a nascent disagreement between her ex husband and herself about arrangements for their son's upcoming college graduation. My wife's ex is not a bad guy but has an annoying habit of waiting until the last minute and then making shit arrangements that completely leave her out. She decided that this is HER son too, and she's going to be a full participant. So she just unilaterally made the arrangements, obtained the tickets, chose a restaurant for the after-graduation meal and made reservations, and simply informed her ex and her kids and the extended family of these arrangements. And then wrote a very nice email to all concerned with the details and describing how much she's looking forward to sharing the experience with everyone.

Granted this is a situation where there's not really any bad blood or people looking to freeze her out, it is just inconsiderate unthinking carelessness, and, her ex, knowing him, secretly appreciates her sparing him the responsibility anyway. It's not exactly equivalent. But it's an example of how you can move forward, on the basis that it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission sometimes. See if there's some way for you to just sidestep and disacknowledge this deliberate bullying and gaslighting and just assert yourself. Be creative. You don't owe this person an equal voice when the agenda they're pushing is about their beliefs and their private club and not about your friend. Emphasize your personal friendship and intimate knowledge of this person's actual desires and make sure you're actually honoring them and don't brook any bloviation about side issues.

Just a thought, I could be wrong as I don't know the situation as well as you do but I'm mostly just suggesting you don't get bogged down in arguing about what appear to be side issues unconnected with your friends actual wishes.

William "Bill" Eddy is an expert in high conflict dealings. He recommends the BIFF principle.... Brief Informative Friendly and Firm. Long diatribes just escalate the conflict. It is up to those who have been selected to make the decisions and while you respect his opinion the 3 of you will decide what's best! Simply leave it at that, no further justification is needed on your part.... silence is golden.

But your belief IS better. It is better for you and you do not need to apologize for it or defend it. so I say, stop doing that. You are fighting a battle you can not win. Live what your believe and leave the rhetoric on the floor. So rather than learning strategies on how to defend your position, stop...defending your position and leave if your "friend" tries to demean you by demeaning your beliefs. Fish or cut bait...either tolerate this behavior, or don't. But if you stay in this friendship knowing how you are being treated... well that's on you and you have no complaint.

I'd sum it up with this:

"This was a friend of mine. I am going through grief. Your argumentative, derogatory words are inappropriate in this matter, at this time. I have enough to deal with, arranging the memorial service.

I would hope that you will see fit to stop this inappropriate behavior, if not out of respect for me, then at least out of human decency."

Can we agree to disagree? I won't judge you, please return the favor..

Seems to me that your minister friend is not one of the three planning the service, so should have no say in the matter. To promote some peace you might accept her suggestions for consideration, but ultimately decide between the three planners how best to handle the service and/or meal gathering.

I’m partial to the idea of having a humanistic style service, one that celebrates the life of your close friend and speaks to the grief of all those in attendance, no matter what their spiritual or religious views. If there will be a fair number of religious attendees, someone could read a spiritual prayer that is light on the religious references but might reflect the deceased spirituality.

There are many resources for funeral poems, readings, prayers, and maybe one or more would fit the occasion.

Some years ago, I was charged with creating two funerals for a gay man. One for those who knew he was gay, and one for those who didn’t... Maybe something similar could be created for your friend, if there truly is a divide between the religious and the non-religious. I would think that one service that covers all the bases respectfully might be the best solution.

This is a difficult time for you with emotions running hight Try not to make this funeral into a fight about religious beliefs, but do your best to stand up for what you understand your close friend would have wanted. You may end up having to compromise some, but take comfort in doing at least part of it how you think it should be, and let that be enough.

I am curious if the minister was a friend of your departed friend?

Rather than rant at this person, why not turn his beliefs back on him? Remind him of what their guidebook said about love and compassion and acceptance, etc, whatever applies, hell, throw some verse quotes in there! These people are so wrapped up in their own BS, sometimes speaking to them in their own language is the only way to get thru.

End of story: your friends friends should respect your friends beliefs. We gave my grandpa a Christian funeral because he was Christian. My mom will not when she passes, because she isn't christian. The cold hard fact is they need to respect your friend.

First off you DON'T have to prove that god does not exist! For 2000 years the " rightous " have demanded that WE must accept their delusion with out proof YET! they demand that WE prove their god isnt there. In that 2000 years there has never been ANY solid provable proof that god ecist. God can't even write his own book! The all powerful, all knowing, all seeing god that BY THEM created everything can not even write! In that 2000 years there have been predictions that never came true, there are contradictions all through the bible, the bible promotes slavery, rape, murder. yet they want us to accept it as the MORAL way to live. god made a faulty man.god committed abortions by killing every pregnant woman during the alleged flood! and what did god do? he repopulated the earth with the same flawed man. SO! You never put your self in the position of proving a negative.

Secondly it was your friend! If you feel that you knew them better then its NONE of your christian friends business. Third , as far as their smug attitude that is just the nature of the Delusional! The latest research has shown that your fundamentalist religious people tend to be limited in their thought processes rigid in their thinking and aggressively push their beliefs on others without any ability to understand the views of those who do not believe as they want them to. you also see that in your more conservative political types, who are also most often of fundamentalistic religious beliefs. Psychiatrist actually consider it a mental illness. if you read up on Delusional mental illness you will see most if not all of the symptoms exhibited in those religious types.

Third unless you value your religious friend, more than you value your memory of your friend OR your own beliefs, you should just SUCK UP and do it her way. Otherwise you should think about what you really believe and simply put it in those words. Most Atheist have read the bible at least once. WHICH is more than most christians. Im willing to bet your minister friend has not really read her entire bible cover to cover herself. Most schools of divinity teach the bible basing their teachings only from the bible sections that resonate with THEIR specific belief. I have known ministers that have never tead about Elijah and god sending two sow bears to kill 42 children for teasing Elijah for his being fat and bald. this is one story they just don't teach. there are lots of similar ridiculous stories like that in the bible. Don't allow her to run your life unless thats what you desire.

I am very sorry for your loss. It's hard to lose friends.

I wouldn't change a thing.
I'd also continue to advocate for a non-religious sendoff.
Forcing a religious service would be disrespecful to the deceased.
The minister's position is selfish, at best. Arrogant AF, at worst.
If this is really as important to you as it's coming across as being,
send the email sooner than later.

I don't think I can help you. Sounds like you will bve outvoted 2 to 1.

In the case of my death, I have already made sure that this will not happen. My unequivocal instructions are that there will be no service of any kind. I will be cremated and my wife and daughters will scatter my ashes at one of my favorite fishing spots.