It is hard to stand by and let a person for whom you care live their own life when it is going wrong and is close to going off the rails completely. I have a grandson who has substantial intellectual ability, but who has almost no social skills and does not behave intelligently. I believe that he has Asberger’s syndrome. He also inherited Crohn’s disease. On top of that, he is alcoholic.
Although he earned a PhD in pharmacology, he has gone about systematically destroying every work situation and every relationship he ever had. He sees himself as a victim of almost everything—the Crohn’s disease, the dysfunctional family he grew up in, of the relevant others in each situation he has screwed up. Until he is willing and able to see and accept the fact that he is largely the victim of his own behavior, he will never be able to have a successful life. It is hard to stand by and watch that happening, but we cannot change others – only ourselves, and that is hard enough.
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7 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.It is entirely possible that his behavior, as self destructive as it is, is the result of one or more or a series of traumatic events early in his life. I can’t and won’t speculate what those might be... assuming that there such occurred.
He definitely needs to talk to a counselor who can address his addiction and self-destructive behavior and whatever underlying causes there may be. But, until and unless he is willing to work with a counselor, there can be little progress or improvement.
He should probably be checked by a physician. Some of his physical ailments can result from or be exacerbated by his addictive behaviors. Additionally, they can see to his general health. Professional counseling can also help assess your grandson to see if he has Aspergers.
You, and any family in his circle should also consider getting involved with an AA group that specifically deal with family members of addicts. They can help you to understand and deal with life and living with/around an addict.
Good luck.
Rob1948
Level 7
Aug 29, 2019
1
It's hard to watch loved ones make poor choices. Along with your grandson's struggles it sounds as though he has few coping skills to deal with life's hardships. I work with high school kids on the spectrum. Most are extremely intelligent. Along with their autism they all have additional diagnosed mental health issues. His alcoholism could be him self medicating. He can be diagnosed with Autism which may give him avenues to get the help he needs.
Pamscwf1
Level 7
Aug 29, 2019
1
I'm very sorry to hear that. You seem like a very wise person. Have you been able to get some of this out in the open with him? Maybe letting him know how you see things in the least upsetting ways possible would help him. I don't know, keep trying.
Flowerwall
Level 7
Aug 29, 2019
2
Get him help
bobwjr
Level 10
Aug 29, 2019
0
The only way to get him help is to force him into it. Even then, he thinks that he is so intelligent that he may well reject the efforts to hep him as efforts of incompetent people.
@wordywalt I ran into that with clients a few times.
Having a high IQ can make you resistant to Treatment. But it doesn't mean eventually you won't find a really smart therapist who can help you.
I found one who went to college two years early (myself). lol It helped a lot. I didn't know that when I selected her - but the person referring me to her did. 
It's not always the first therapist you hit - but someone realizing you need someone clever who can help you a bit better. I'll always be grateful to the fellow who referred me further along.
Can you suggest therapy to him or AA?
It might just be the step that would help him.
If he's that miserable he might be looking for a way out and just not able to see one.
RavenCT
Level 9
Aug 29, 2019
1
All of my family has tried to get him to seek help..
@wordywalt depending on the level dependency, he might need medical intervention, librium to safely stop drinking, and then to really learn new ways of living coping, that is if he sees it as a problem..
@wordywalt I've seen people live in misery a good long time before they decide that maybe the tools others use might actually help them?
I'm unsure why they think they know better - but it's really hard to stand by when the people you care about do this. I know. I had two Uncles who were alcoholics. One died way younger than he needed to.
The other finally got help because he got caught on the job.
And he needed help more than once before it stuck.
I didn't know AA had online services until today - maybe he'll decide some night to look for help? Who knows.
You've all planted the idea - that's pretty much all you can do.
Yes it is hard to watch a loved one go off the rails. But it is his life to live as he chooses. The natural consequences will point him in the right direction when he is ready to change himself.
dare2dream
Level 7
Aug 29, 2019
1
Aspergers could be a part of it. And untreated mental illness. I am sorry. That is terrible hard.
GreatNani
Level 8
Aug 29, 2019
1
Varn:
Yes, Asperger's leaves them understanding the technicalities of life, but not it’s nuances.. I’ve a friend with it, brilliant in many ways, though literally living in his parents basement with little social interaction beyond warehouse work ..and heading toward 50.
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