My son is autistic. He's absolutely amazing. But my religious family decided to pray that God would take away my sons autism and heal him.

I was furious too. I yelled at my 60 year old father and explained to him very harshly that autism isn't an illness. Just like he (my father) was born with brown eyes and ten fingers and a dislike for spicy food, so too was my son born with a unique mind.

He began to understand but I abhor how religiosity pollutes and miseducates, and insists on inserting God into everything.

There is nothing wrong with anger it is a human emotion. It sounds like frustration. When it comes to a child wait until you calm down a bit and explain autism in more realistic/ biological terms.

One thing I have learned in my 65 years on this planet, when one loses their temper and yells at others, no matter the subject, no one is going to listen to anything you have to say. You say you are new at being an atheist, so slow down and think about how you come across to others who are "believers". Everyone evolves in their own time. You can't force others to believe as you do no matter that you are correct in believing there is no god. You want others to respect you, so you have to show respect for them as human beings. I'm not saying respect their religious beliefs, respect them as people.

Personally, I'd start with "god isn't real and fictional characters don't "make" things
happen". That should be good enough for a 5 year old, for now.
If your wife won't talk about it, and refuses to accept that it is indeed harmful, I'd be shooting down that nonsense every chance I got.

I have no patience for anyone who allows their children to be indoctrinated and
encouraged to believe in things that don't exist.
Kids learn Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and the Easter Bunny aren't real.
God is NO different.

I don't blame you for being angry. If anyone was encouraging my children to
be deliberately delusional, I'd be pissed off, too. Spouse or not.

There is nothing wrong with being angry about it. It's perfectly
normal, and it's a natural emotion.
Contrary to what others may think, anger IS acceptable.

Good luck to you. You're going to need it.

Wow. Thanks for the informative/entertaining/thought-provoking/well intended responses.

I'm trying to address multiple responses at once here, but please know even if I disagree with some responses I appreciate all of them. It's why it's easy to enjoy this community.
When my wife and I got married 17 years ago, we were both very much believers. I realized I was atheist Jan 2017. I came out to her 3 months ago.
She is still a believer, and every time we try and talk about this issue seriously it seems to become heated. Sometimes because of me, sometimes because of her.
I don't think I have anger issues, but I've never bothered to find out. I'm pretty laid back and conflict averse. I like to diffuse tension with humor or sincere deprecation when its warranted. I was raised in a Quaker church. No, we didnt burn witches, but I understand how you confuse them with puritans. I liked it because it taught pacifism and humility that felt "right" for lack of a better word.

To be clear: I did blow up and I felt terrible. I sooo wanted to go back and handle it differently. I felt like a caricature of an angry atheist. I overreacted to what probably should have been a benign exchange with my wife in front of our kids.
At the same time, I didnt feel passive in this instance. I want my kids to have a firm grasp on reality in respects to religion. Beyond religion, I want them to be as imaginative as possible. We tell stories in our house all the time, we run around and howl like banshees. I cherish their childhood.
Right now, I can't help but look at religion as brainwashing. My knee jerk reaction was in direct response to that outlook.
Part of the joy of childhood should be learning the truth about how the universe and everything in it works, from brains to stars and everything they can see.

Thanks for weighing in, and thanks for the thoughtfulness in so many responses

I would simply present following question to my daughter: Do you really think that a loving god would deliberately create people with problems that make life difficult for them? My hunch is that she would mull over that one for years.

Jesus Christ
Guy says he gets mad one time and a bunch of you get all touchy feely with the “you have anger issues...”
WTF people

There’s only one thing important here that’s missing is your wife religious?

If she is then you two need to have a sit down on what’s the plan for your daughter. If both of you contradict each other it’s going to cause a mind feck for your child.

Niw if you’re both atheist well that’s just an odd thing to say but it’s harmless

And just between us men brother
Man anger is scary to some people
Tuck that shit inside the best you can
But you certainly have the right to express emotion.

It’s fine to be mad sad angry happy or any emotion we feel. It’s also great for your daughter to see them and for her to see how you manage your different emotions.

For now, since they're so young, just say (maybe, what do I know) that's not true honey. We aren't really sure why she's autistic. But we love her just the same anyway. You can have a more mature convo about it down the road. And I completely stand by you NOT allowing her to be indoctrinated or having her mind warped like that!

saying that god did it then later explaining how "god" is just a personification of the universe is the superior solution. she doesn't need to know about NOTCH21NL gene sequence irregularities in chromosome 1 that lead to various organic brain abnormalities and placing the child on the spectrum. don't be so angry about it.

I think you need to first take a deep breath and calm yourself before responding. Since you’re dealing with someone so young, even if she says “god” gave her sister autism, she may not fully understand what she’s saying. She might even be repeating something she heard someone else say.

Rather than getting angry, it’s important to look at these as teaching moments. If your wife believes and you don't, you can say that, too, to help her learn she can think for herself.

I myself might say something like: Mommy thinks there’s a god. Daddy does not. We don’t agree on that. But one thing that’s for sure is no one gave your sister autism. It’s just the way she was born, just like you were born with [brown] hair and your brother was born with [blue] eyes and Mommy was born with [freckles].

Your wife does have a point. Having an imaginary friend really does not matter much.

When you've calmed down , explain that God is a man made fabrication . but remember at five , she most likely still believes in the tooth fairy and Santa Clause .

Do you get upset when your daughter asks Santa for a present? How about the Tooth Fairy when she loses a tooth?

The best thing you can do is to take anger out of it! The other best thing you can do is to make sure your daughter is exposed to all thoughts and possibilities and let HER decide as she gets older. You telling her that there is no god is almost as bad as someone telling her there is.

Lead her to water... But never force her to drink!

Just say "God is not real, sweetie. Some people just like to believe there is someone making decision controlling our lives. But it's not real. We don't know what caused your sister's autism and that's okay. It okay to not know how or why, but it not okay to lie to ourselves or others and think that we do know. Okay? "

You don't have to be mad, you just communicate like you would any other topic.

It's important to talk to her and tell her your beliefs. Your beliefs are just as important as your wife. Let your daughter know exactly what how and why you think the way you do, but don't push her in any direction. Let her figure it out and make her own decisiion. But be honest about your thoughts just as religious people are honest about theirs.

1. Do not get angry
2. Do not get angry
3. Tell your wife that she is hurting someone, herself.
4. Look for help in youtube or google, seen many great videos on the same subject with kids.
5. Did I say do not get angry?

Getting angry wasn't wrong. The way you expressed your anger sounds like it was maybe not the best way to handle things. Also, you need to figure this out without depending on changing your wife's mind. She has the right to believe what she wants and if her beliefs are important to her, she will find ways to teach them to your daughter even if you forbid it.

I would suggest working through your anger and teach your daughter to think critically, rather than try to make sure she learns certain things. You can even do the same with your wife. Ask questions rather than state your opinion. Counter self-righteousness with teasing irony. Do it right, and you'll make your wife think through ideas rather than just try to defend herself from your ideas.

I would think of god as an arbiter of random chance. It is random chance that made your daughter autistic. Why not call that god?

As I have read, women tend to respond more to how something is said than to what exactly was said, and that can be a real kicker. Children, on the other hand, respond to stories, imagination, and become insecure if exposed to to much anger, contentiousness. Were the rubber really hits the road is, if you try to use force . . . and I am not speaking of physical force . . . to influence these two, it will fail.
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One person suggested a psychologist, and I would agree, if that it possible, because it would help get your mind set in a way that could attack the issue in a better way. Even on here, you may get some inspiration.
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When I run in to a problem that I know might prove to be difficult to solve, I generally look for a way to develop a frame of mind going into the problem that will work best. Often that frame of mind is seeing it as a challenge ... it puts your mind above the problem in a way, because instead of dealing with the problem as a fear or drudge-work, it becomes a puzzle to solve. This situation requires a lot though, because you cannot JUST see it as a puzzle to solve, because it also has to be done both diplomatically and delicately.
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My take on this could be complete rubbish, since I have never been married, but then again, I have the advantage of an outsider's view . . . . it may be that the way to overcoming this obstacle is to first be open about it all, but at the same time find ways to be more subtle, maybe even hide that emotional stuff when this kind of thing happens, and tackle the problem from a more . . . . might I say seductive manner? What I mean by that is, as I mentioned earlier, children adore fantasy, stories, imagination . . . find via the internet or via suggestions from people in the know (I'm not one of them, most likely) the type of stories, themes, that support agnosticism / atheism, and use it to change your daughter's views more subtly . . . It is highly unlikely she would respond to pure logic at this point, it is far to crude in her view, my bet is.
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With your wife, is has to be somewhat similar, likely more subtle . . . it is like planting ideas . . . but very indirectly, subtly . . . remember when you were in high school, and you were told about this really "cool" thing that just got everyone's attention, and everyone started to mimic or talk positively about it? This is the kind of thing that can change opinions, but it has to be done subtle like, almost like a salesman, but not so brassy and open, and possibly with more affection. What you want to do is make that event of the anger episode disappear from their consciousness, replace it with something more intriguing . . . . attack the issue in a much more subtle way . . . are you up for the challenge?
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Emotions are surface phenomenon . . . crude. Read Sun Tzu . . .
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The Art of War . . . . 'The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.'
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Obviously we are not talking about an enemy of course, unless you frame the enemy as the ideology itself removed from the connection they have to it.
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This seems like a problem that is difficult, the Gordian Knot, so to speak . . . but because Alexander The Great was in the correct frame of mind to solve it, it turned out to be child's play . . . . Your advantage is that you can first buy yourself some time by pushing the emotions aside, and then dealing with the problem as Sun Tzu might . . . . avoiding battle, using intellect to conquer . . .

I would say it sounds like you have rough waters ahead over the next few years. Good luck.

You probably need to sit down and have "The discussion" about how you'll both answer questions for the kids. Particularly if religion comes up.

Did you daughter come up with that on her own? Did she hear it from another child? Or from her Mom? - If it was from Mom I'd find that problematic.

Autism is a difference in the brain. Not something sent by an imaginary being.
It's not punishment - it's a difference.

It's how you approach that as a family that will matter in the end. I can see why it was triggering. I'm sure you understand that yelling isn't the answer.

Are you normally angry, or is this specific to this incident?

Some people are born with brown eyes, some blue, some people are great at math others are better at art. There aftee many different ways to be human, many different ways to be born. Your sister was just born a different way than you. Can you think of a way you're different from me? Isn't it fantastic that humans can be born so many different ways? Mommy believes god made your sister this way. I don't have proof of that, so i believe everyone is born exactly how they should be, but no one made it happen.

In what way is it more difficult for an autistic brain to function?

Is your wife atheist?