So my mama is a crazy Christian. My Father is a Catholic but I think he doesn't care about religion. My mama always brings up Jesus in everything. She knows I'm agnostic and I blatantly tell her sometimes to not read the Bible cause it's stupid. Bible is the only thing she reads all day. I love my mama and now I'm 24 and she still treats me like a baby. You know Filipinos are doting parents.

So one time I told her, mama put that archaic middle-eastern sci-fi down, It doesn't help with your constipation. Here take your meds. Suddenly she cried and told me she been thinking about what if she won't see me in the clouds with sky dad. I told her if there is an afterlife, sky dad would high five me for being real and not "faithful" and actually use my brain and reasoning. She said with watery eyes, "I'm serious, what if you'd burn in hell?! Jesus is a jealous God, repent and thou shal be forgiven." She went all out religitard on me haha. So I asked her what's he jealous about?

Everything?!

Well envy, is an attribute of the weak, a spoiled brat. What's he bitchin' about?

D'you mean he's upset if you love your sons and daughters more than him who don't show up ever? Or do you love your imaginary friend more than us, your family?

She went silent, contemplating..

Imagine god told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac his only son.

"It was just a test of loyalty!"

So would you stab me If you hear someone whisper in your head to stab and burn your own son?

"God will never let that happen. As soon as I raise the knife he would take my hand and defend you"

Defend me? Fuck anyone who suggests murder.

So you would really attempt to do that. That's crazy. I would tell that god to fuck off. What if god really wants you to sacrifice me because he is "angry with firstborn infidels". So you would wait for like 5 minutes holding the knife up in the air expecting a voice to say "hold on, it's just a prank you have proven your loyalty. Here, take this greencard to VIP in life after death."

Instead you hear a voice, "What you waiting for honey, stab the fucking kid on the throat. Prepare his ashes and bake it on Christmas on my 6000th birthday. Mmmmm nothing tastes better than infidels burnt ash cake. You will be rewarded in heaven my child."

She lost that argument. But guess what she said? "My poor son, I will pray for you more than ever."