4:15 am and I am lonely. I miss my papa. I want to hear his voice again and to hear him make the weird noises he would make. He always kept me company during my bouts of insomnia, because he was the same. He was my favorite person. I was such a papa's girl. He always made me feel like the most important person in his world and he was in mine. He was such a dork, always shouting "WOOOOO" from his room, randomly, at any given time. He'd take me to bingo and get all huffy that I'd waste dobber ink by getting it all over me, but always split our winnings. He spoiled me by helping me out, even if he were actually in trouble with loan sharks. He was terrible at money managing, and a gambling man through and through, but he was always there for me. Losing him was like losing half of my body. I am haunted by it. The sudden attack, lifting him out of the chair to the floor despite having shoulder surgery. I didn't feel it. All I could feel was his pulse under my fingers and how fast it was. I was feeling cardiac arrest. He was shaking and turning blue and I was holding him. His one eye looked at me and he reached for me. He was so scared and he seized. I couldn't help him. I could not do anything for him except hold him. It was 30 minutes later that the e.r. pronounced him dead, but I knew when he passed because I felt his heart stop under my fingers. I was not able to sleep for 4 days, and for a year I had nothing but the nightmares and the anger and the pain and the grief and flashbacks. I threw up at work every time my code monitor went off because the patient was no longer just room number whatever they were papa. Each and every one became papa before my eyes. I sought therapy within two months, because I know what this is. Therapy and medication didn't help much. I still, 2 years later, have the flashbacks and the nightmares though the latter are less and less, but I am able to get through my job without losing it again. Unfortunately though, the panic attacks have been replaced by cold insensitivity which can also be problematic.
I wonder, does the anger ever go away? Will I always feel such resentment and hate and anger towards the dispatcher that took THIRTY minutes to PAGE the ambulance that was literally four blocks away? Will I always have this giant hole from my heart? Will I always find myself crying myself to sleep every few weeks overwhelmed with grief and loneliness and sorrow? Even when I focus on the good things and happy memories it just makes the pain worse. I'm selfish. I should be grateful for the time I had but I'm not. I'm angry that I didn't have more. I think his heart stopping was the last time my fingers could feel, too. Huh.
Sorry guys, I'm a mess.
6
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8 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.I'm sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was an amazing Dad.
One line that has stuck with me from the bio-doc "Nothing Left Unsaid" is: "There is no why, there just is." It gave me comfort for some reason. I hope you don't mind my sharing that.
I go through the "what ifs" constantly with my late husband... it's maddening. Idk if I'll ever stop doing that. It's taken me awhile to stop being so raw that I can sort of function now.
Qualia
Level 8
Apr 15, 2018
0
Much love to you girl. That story touched my soul. It's ok to feel angry, hurt, love, resent etc, just be aware of those feeling without letting them overwhelm you and move forward in your life understanding yourself a little better than before is a posative step towards where you need to be. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. I almost feel like I know your papa like he's my bestie who I catch up with at the end of the week for drinks and cards hahaha. It sounds like the love you have for him is very special and just because he is now gone in this physical relm, doesn't mean your love for him has to go as well. I like to think there's more to the story than that somehow. You can feel proud you were there for his passing as well. So many don't have someone and find themselves doing it all on their own. I do volunteer ambulance work and have felf many pulses stop under my gloved hand. I always wondered why they took so long to get to the scene at times, but now realise there is a reason for everything and we are all only human. Focus on that energy your papa intilled in your heart, because it's beautiful and worth holding on to for sure!!! Be selfish. Your allowed to ok. You know wha you need to do and although it's not easy to let the good memories take precedence over the hurt, you know self destructive feelings of regret is not what papa wants for you. So be aware of those feelings and let them pass. It will ease with time I promise. Stay brave and be yourself. Be ok with feeling the hurt, but carry on being you, because the world is a better place with you in it sharing papas love with everyone else he has left behind. Thank you for being such a beautiful person. Kia kaha
Herbie
Level 3
Apr 6, 2018
1
I had set this to private I thought.. oops. Thank you everyone for your comforting words and understanding
LadyAlyxandrea
Level 8
Apr 6, 2018
0
Sorry to hear about your grief. I lost my mother when I was 26. It was devastating. I eventually got to the point where I can think of her and feel good. I eventually got over it, but it took loads of time.
indirect76
Level 7
Apr 6, 2018
1
Nothing to be sorry about. Even when you describe a helpless feeling, I am sure your Dad was much better off with you by his side than going through those moments completely alone. Time shoud help, nobody knows how long though. Its up to you to make peace with...... Take care
IamNobody
Level 8
Apr 6, 2018
1
I can only imagine your horror and the anger. We only have our reason and love to combat this sort wound. I have a scar that is similar, but it can never be the same as yours. It can heal over, but like a busted shoulder, which I share, It will always be there and will go with us as long and wherever we go. Actual hugs may only do a little more than virtual ones, But I would give you both, gladly. Don't be sorry for being real and staying human.
CapriKious
Level 7
Apr 6, 2018
2
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