Day of the Girl Child
I used to say I was sorry compulsively, like all the time. Friends would say stop saying your sorry. So it intrigues me when I see a young women today asking "Am I imagining it or do women say I'm sorry a lot more than men."
A response with a peer juried scholarly article pops up. The suggestion of the article is that men have a greater threshold of tolerance for a wider range of behaviors.
I'm posting the article with my response to that
Happy Day of the Girl Child.
Love forgive and fly an invisible jet plane.
Men may have been taught their behavior is not so easily offensive. No one told men to sit like a lady or to be ladylike. They are perhaps not so programmed to be nsecure. Men don't often get called bitches for having a contrary opinion. There is no suggestion in religious text that men should be subordinate. Nor do men bear the property surname when they get married. Women are more likely to be killed by their intimate partner than strangers so logic they would be fearful of being offensive.
Still we must be careful with generalizations. The general public often reads often as always. This can widen the gaps in understanding rather than bridge them.
There are boys and men abused, self doubting and experiencing shame who also apologize more than they need to.
There are also men and women just very concerned that they might have hurt someone who often apologize.
Day of the Girl Child is about stopping the violence and uplifting girls Homocide is 9 times likely to occur where the perpetrator has been using methamphetamines. Educate.
Remembering Victoria Martens
#protectourkids #educate #dayofthegirlchild
4
Enjoy being online again!
Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.Create your free account
9 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.
Hippie Chick wrote I gently mentor young women I've worked with that they don't have to apologize for taking up space, that they don't have to soften their tone when they send emails or correspondence of any kind. Especially on official correspondence, they are the voice of the company. It is hard to unlearn the lessons we've been taught all our lives, to defer to males and persons of authority, we're slow to grab the authority for ourselves. Tides are changing, but slowly. I think for me it helps that my first "adult" job was soldier. I joined the Army, and learned how to think like a man. My daughters are feminine, but they don't hesitate to speak up when necessary. One of my girls is a carpenter, another formerly "male" job. My girls know how to kick ass and take names.
HippieChick58
Level 9
Oct 10, 2020
thinkwithme
Level 7
Oct 10, 2020
3
Varn:
I’ve noticed it being Mother's far more than Fathers demanding their children 'apologize.’ My father didn’t, thus never demanded his four children did either. Mom, however, pushed it way too far..
My gripe with ‘today’s women’ is their use of Up-speak! Far more than males, they’ll place an inflection-like ‘question mark’ at the end of nearly every utterance? ..leaves me asking out loud, ‘is that a statement or a question..?’ Glad I kept mine from following that irritating trend, as it’s already served them well in the working world.
@Varn Maybe is more true than certainly sometimes. Could be the question is inviting other opinions.
Varn:
@thinkwithme I’ve heard educators describe ‘upspeak’ as indicating a lack of confidence. As I hear it more from young women, as opposed to equal age males, would bet it’s akin to the ‘I’m sorry’ syndrome here..
@Varn It could be.
@Varn The I'm sorry syndrome makes me crazy. I tell gals all the time you should not ever apologize for taking up space that belongs to you. You have a right to exist and to be where you are. I think the tide is changing as we get more women into the spotlight in government and other fields, but it is a rough journey. Now that Judge whathername is up for Supreme Court, that sends the wrong message to young women but I'm sure Republican men think it is just right.
Willow wisp wrote: Life is hard on everyone, and I mean everyone.
I’m a trans woman and I was raised as a male.
Failing to live up to male expectations that I never understood was tragic, but on the other side I find a world where I’m expected to be submissive after a lifetime of being expected to be assertive.
Between the two females get the hardship award hands down and I didn’t even have to suffer male sexual aggression as a teenager.
I have two adult children both daughters, I want their world to be safe, and I raised them strong and opinionated like me.
Willow_Wisp
Level 7
Oct 10, 2020
thinkwithme
Level 7
Oct 10, 2020
1
Yes, I say that a lot, too. In my last relationship last year, it was pointed out to me, so I am now semi-aware of it. Presently, I still say it, but it's kind of a joke now.
Organist1
Level 8
Oct 10, 2020
2
Sounds decent that you are encouraged to not have to be so sorry
@thinkwithme the preface "I'm sorry but" or "forgive me" preceeding good declarations IS NOT APOLOGY but is faux humility where not needed.....that all implies ASSERTIVENESS is too macho or arrogant .... bullshit .... I admit here most often my intent to controvert common postings here.... so I use the phrase "sorry to burst your bubble" as a warning their feelings will be hurt if not persuaded by my different declarations
I think you should delete the OTHER 5 times your post has appeared 
FearlessFly
Level 9
Oct 10, 2020
2
And NOT say "I'm sorry".
Idk what even happened there. I thought I removed the repeats but now I have comments on all of them
@thinkwithme YOU can still delete any post you initiated . . .
@FearlessFly I know I'm just deleting the responses along with so I don't know which one to leave up
@thinkwithme . . . just pick one
@FearlessFly I think I'm down to one other. I'm going to transfer comments on the other one to here
No men apologize way too much.
I'm just talking about my own culture. What I'm REALLY talking about is me.
Women need to step up and rescue us from the patriarchy. They're the only ones who can do it.
Storm1752
Level 8
Oct 10, 2020
0
I don't think it is womens' job, although highly motivated they may be.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb ?
. . . just one, but the light bulb has to REALLY want to change !
I think we help each other is prolly the best plan. Just being able to not argue as much as discuss these issues is huge
YES! I totally agree with you that too many women apologize way too much. Often, the women I talk to think it comes from their parents. Many say they don't know why they do it or where it came from. I encourage them to stop and THINK every time they feel the urge to say, "I'm sorry." I like the concept of Radical Honesty. If you really ARE sorry (i.e., you think you did something wrong), well okay. Otherwise, think of something different and more honest to say. Maybe, "Oh, that's so unfortunate."
mischl
Level 8
Oct 10, 2020
2
How is it that the urge to say "I'm sorry” comes and has its effect before the mind can process and replace it with anything else.
@yvilletom Habit running on automatic or defense from fear. If you are anxious afraid closer to fight or flight, it's harder to reason
@thinkwithme Good answer! I try to help some of my friends (and at least one client) by responding, "Well, I KNOW it's your fault, right?" Which causes a moment of thought and an immediate retraction.
@mischl if you said that to me I might think you were upset with me or angry about something..
@thinkwithme “ Habit running on automatic or defense from fear” is IMO, a powerful debating point for the Equal Rights Amendment and for equal pay for equal work.
I hope your thinking mischi is upset with you was a momentary thing. He was using a technique therapists use which briefly increases a symptom until a client sees the symptom as blocking a necessary decision. It has a name - paradoxical intention. I don’t do therapy on people; I do it on decision-making processes. Reasonable hesitations sometimes block necessary decisions.
@thinkwithme Well, of course my tone of voice and grin should tell the person that I know it's NOT their fault, and they don't have anything to apologize for. So I'm saying: quit apologizing. On a somewhat different vein, those constant inappropriate apologies (for nothing) are not HONEST. Does that make sense? Isn't there something one can say that's a lot more honest and appropriate?
@mischl less about being ingenuine and more about trauma induced fear. If someone puts a gun at your head and says say you agree with xyz, you will most likely agree until you get away. Sometimes people have to realize they no longer have a gun at their head. Some have a very rational reason to be afraid of speaking their mind. I don't perceive myself so often in that type of danger now. I aim to be both comforting and honest to my best ability because that is how I like to be
Enjoy being online again!
Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.Create your free account
Share this post
Categories
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.