You need fitted sheets one size bigger than what you have there. Use flat sheets on the mattress and fold down the corners ( military style) If you do the seducing with passion and tenderness, nobody willl notice

Bed bugs are a nightmare. Because of my heinous neighbor I ended up with them. Get sprayed, get a bed protector and sprinkle some Diatomaceous Earth around the baseboards, under the sheet, around the bed, wall cracks. Hit every baseboard in everyroom. You don't need a lot of this powder, but it works like a miracle.

Get a new bed, perhaps ?

Here ya go. Works every time. Fuck a bunch of making beds.

Do not by microfiber sheets. Get high thread count 100% cotton with deep pockets.

Well dear readers, I couldn't lure her to the boudoir (did get the sheets on eventually after much struggle) but we had a long conversation. And OH NO, she is going to some spiritual, chanting yoga retreat on the weekend.

Now I got nothing against yoga and contorting your body into unnatural positions but the 'spiritual' part concerned me plus the location where it's to be held.

Byron Bay, on the coast in northern New South Wales ( a State in OZ, we only got 6 and a few territories) . Used to be a sleepy town but then the 'celebrities' bought up properties and now it's the most super cool and expensive town in OZ. It's so cool that people sit in the outdoor cafes, smoking a cannabis joint and pretending to read a philosophical book whilst watching people go by and making sure they get seen by the passers-by. In fact the town is shrouded by a cloud of marihuana smoke and you can get cheaply and happingly stoned just by passive smoke inhalation.

It's also the town where quasi-religious groups and psychic mediums hold their 'retreats' for which they charge very big bucks. It's an industry there. I'm sure you got places like that in the USA.

Now I don't decimate people's beliefs as long as they don't hurt anyone. If they find solace in harmless practices and got the money to blow, it's okay by me.

Anyway, got to go and practise my chanting.