John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help but noticing John’s roommate. She had long been suspicious of John and his roommate, but she had kept those suspicions to herself.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she began to think that her suspicions were correct. There seemed to be more to the two of them than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you’re thinking, but I assure you, Bruce and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Bruce approached John and told him: “Ever since your mother came over for dinner, I’ve been unable to locate our silver serving tray. You don’t suppose she took it do you?”

“I doubt it,” John said, but I’ll ask her to make sure.

So he sat down and wrote his mother an e-mail:

Dear Mother,

I’m not saying you ‘did’ take our silver-serving tray from the house, but it has been missing since you came for dinner.

Love, John

Later, John received an e-mail response from his mother.

Dear John,

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Bruce, but if Bruce were sleeping in his own bed he would have found the serving tray under his comforter.

Love, Mom

What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons......

An old man and old woman driving down the highway are pulled over by a highway patrolman for speeding.
The highway patrolman walks up to the car and taps on the window for the old man to roll it down and tells him, I need to see your driver's license, the old woman leans over and says, hey what'd he say, the old man hollers over to her, he says he wants to see my driver's license. Highway patrolman says I see you're from Missouri, the old woman leans over and questions, hey what'd he say, the old man hollers back, he says we're from Missouri, the highway patrolman says, you know the worst piece of pussy I ever had was from Missouri, the old women questions again, hey what'd he say, where the old man hollers back, he says he thinks he knows you.

This isn't a joke, but...my dad worked at a construction site and everyday at lunch, a woman would come by in a taco truck to sell her tacos. One day, she was late and my dad asked, "Where is Ruby Rotten Crotch in her Roach Coach?"

Whiteboards are remarkable

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

A guy goes on holiday to Spain and when he gets back he finds that his flat has been burgled. They have taken absolutely everything, furniture, pictures, light fittings, carpets etc, and replaced them with exact replicas. So he says to his flatmate " who has done all this? " and his flatmate says "Who the fuck are you?"

I went to a quarry the other day. I said to the guy working there 'gosh thats a big rock', he said 'boulder', I said 'GOSH, THATS A BIG ROCK'

Did you hear about the bisexual donkey that had a hee inthe morning and a whore in the afternoon because his ass was on burrowed time. Told to me in the cafeteria of Monash Medical Centre By a 'mortician' whilst I had been engaged to propose staff nos. and machinery necessary to maintain landscaped surrounds. I am a Horticulturalist (gardener) and I laughed my arse off with many senior staff directing 'askance' expressions at us, despite being fairly modest and inhibited.

Q. what do you call a ten foot giant with a club in his hand?

A. Sir!

“When I was a student working in construction, a worker came late to the work after his break.

So, there was this funny conversation or dumb argument between them..

Timekeeper: Why are you late?

Worker: I went for a haircut.

Timekeeper: What, during work hours?

Worker: It grew during work hours.

Timekeeper: It didn't all grow during work hours.

Worker: That's why I didn't get it all cut off. “

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says : 'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want A million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they just keep coming, duck after duck after duck!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.'

'No shit!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?'

I totally freaked out my UPS driver today when I came to the door completely naked. Was she shocked by my nakedness or that I knew where she lived?

OK so Mickey Mouse takes Minnie to the shrink, and the Doc says Mickey, I've examined her thoroughly and I just haven't found any evidence to support your claim that she's crazy.
Mickey says, Doc, I didn't say she's crazy.
I said she's fuckin' Goofy!