I hate to break this to you but it's been my experience that most guys ARE just looking for sex. I've been trying to date now for about 6 months. Over that time I've set up some rules for myself.

• If I'm chatting with a guy and he starts talking about sex before we've met then I let him know I'm interested more than just sex. If he keeps on, I stop talking with him.
• I keep my pants on for the first 2 dates (very difficult lesson for me because for some reason I think that if I sleep with them, they'll want to stay with me).

Some codes I've learned is if they ask you if you like to have fun...they don't mean fun as in meeting for happy hour or playing a board game. If they ask what you're into, they don't mean music or something along those lines, they want to know what kinks you have.

I'm in Minnesota so perhaps those things are just for this area but I'm sure they're common all over. Feel free to message me if you ever want to chat/vent about dating at this age.

Know the feeling hun ! Single at 54..and naively thought I would find Prince Charming on dating sites ....how naive I was ..! Needless to say , I 'm getting pretty long in the tooth ...and immune to the amateur photographers who think it's fine , after a cursory "hello" ..to send photos of their genitals ... However ...I'm plodding on nevertheless , in the hope that my soulmateis out there ...somewhere !

I tend to feel the same. The only guys that seem to be interested are either cheaters looking for a side chick (definitely not me) or guys with over a decade difference in age (based on past experience, that just isn’t compatible with a long term relationship). Once you move past your 20’s, I find that it’s difficult to find a meaningful romantic relationship. That’s why I gave up looking and just decided to get to know people as friends and not focus on relationships.

I'm glad I no longer need to worry about this.

However, I will be the first to admit that men are highly preoccupied with sex. We want it. A lot. It goes through our heads constantly. Probably every woman we look at there is a subconscious process that kicks into gear about whether or not we would have sex with them, and then what we would do if given the opportunity to have sex with them. In my mind, I think about what would happen to me if I actually gave into my random thoughts and pursued these urges.

But here is the thing about guys. Yes, if we are interested in you, we want to have sex with you. This is not a bad thing. Also when we are done with having sex, we want to... hang out. Watch TV and go to the movies with you. Take you out to dinner and cook with you. Engage in non-sex activities. Intelligent men tire of stupid women. We want equals we can bounce things off of. We also want the companionship. We want everything that you want. We want a best friend that is not a man, that we can talk about things that we can't talk with other men about.

So there is nothing wrong with his desire for sex being a motivation for dating with you. It shouldn't stop you from dating someone. I would just be straight with him and tell him you want more than sex out of a relationship, thats all. And if he doesn't want more than that move on.

For me, this apparent dichotomy between being sexual first and having a lasting relationship is a false dichotomy, because it doesn't always hold. Some of my best, longest, and most satisfying relationships started with sex first, and blossomed from there.

My thought is: if a person only wants you for sex, then so what? Do you also want them for sex? If yes, then enjoy the sex for as long as you want. If not, then don't. Certainly don't fake it just because you hope a relationship will develop.

But if you like the sex and also want a relationship, who is to say that one would not blossom just as readily in the garden of sexual joy as much as in the garden of friendship joy, or that the two gardens (in this metaphor) don't have a walkway between them? I mean, if the person only shows up for a booty call and then disappears right after, or acts like a jerk at all other times, then they are telling you pretty clearly that they don't like or respect you and are not relationship material. But even then, if they continue to make you feel good, then enjoy them for what they have to offer as long as it suits you and then move on when you find someone more compatible (or else negotiate an open relationship wherein you can have both - it's possible, I guarantee it).

Now if you are only having sex with someone because you are trying to hook them into a relationship, or give in to their demands because you think they will like you for it, but you don't really enjoy sex with them for it's own sake, then I say stop manipulating them and stop abusing yourself. I've been in that situation before where someone did not actually enjoy sex with me as much as they tried to pretend, but acted like it just because they wanted me to like them and take care of them. That was unfair and it ended badly. So consequently I'm an even more enthusiastic advocate for open honesty about intentions.

I mean, I'm not saying everyone behaves ethically in these circumstances. There are people who will certainly fake genuine relationship interest just to get sex, but people will also fake genuine sexual interest just to get into a relationship. Therefore, I find that keeping my side of the street clean, so to speak, helps minimize the fakery and disingenuousness.

I'm in the same problem. My solution is to not have sex until I know they like me for me, not for sex.

The nature of attraction is basically sexual when you break it down. What attracts you is someone who will provide good genetics for your offspring. For
Women that tends towards taller than they are, physically fit or buff. Successful in their profession and are able to provide good Home and standard of living.

For men it’s more weird things, shape of hips to be able to carry a child full term and easily give birth. Yes breasts... the ability to feed children.

Yeah it all seems a bit cynical but there is an element of truth.

As for what makes a good long term partner? I have no clue. To me any long term relationship is finding someone and then try not to push them to the point of murder for the rest of your life.

Interesting comments -- I'm in the same boat, just the male perspective. I stopped dating at 17 years of age, met and married for over 25 years and am now single. I definitely need help, but my thought process is 'she only wants money or gifts.' I would say that time is the only way to get past these two issues with anyone. From your perspective, don't have sex, wait. From my perspective, also wait and see what happens. It's hard to do either, but it's my only 2 cents...

I am 68 and finding it to be the same at this age as it was in my 40's. I have tried several dating sites--all a dismal disappointment. I am curvy, love making a home,cooking etc and not a partier. So, I mistakenly thought men in my age bracket would be interested in that. I thought we had reached an age where we could settle down, make a home, be companions, friends, and share this last great adventure---WRONG-- I have recently gotten "Let's meet for coffee, and since your place and my place are empty, which one would you like to go back to?" "And, oh, by the way, I have no teeth" WHAT? Then the next one wants to know if I have a camera on my computer and if my grand kids ever run around naked. I am totally disgusted. I would love to have a great sex life, but the kind of sex that is being offered is like a drinking away your problems and waking up the next morning feeling physically and emotionally battered. I am to the point where I am just going to go on with my life, if I meet someone and it falls together then great, but the dating sites and singles scene is a bust. It's weird to me that at 68 the mind set of men seems to be the same as it was at 40---

I have had similar thoughts, although I am not interested in having a relationship with a woman just for the sex. I love the friendship aspect of a relationship. To be able to relate to my friend or partner with all kinds of issues and not just sex. I have been alone for 2 years since my wife and I separated. She moved on and has a boyfriend and I am here at home alone. Just want you to know that everyone around you are not all about using you for just sex. I had and still have a very good friendship with my ex-wife in spite of her boyfriend. We have a daughter and it is to her benefit that we get along well, which is the case. If you need friends, I am here for you. I need to make new friends, especially where I live in Toronto.

I don't think that's an issue for guys. I guess the best thing you can do, is see if the guy will stick around for a couple of weeks without sex.

Men want sex. Most of us would be perfectly happy never settling down if we could easily have sex with different beautiful women any time we wanted. But it’s hard work, so we sometimes settle down with one woman if she’s special enough, or we get tired of all the hard work and time involved with dating. Sorry for being so upfront and honest. ?

Hmmm...

All I wanted was somebody honest and supportive that I can talk to about whatever and I got screwed really bad got criminalized by the very people I thought I helped in many cases I think Honesty is a felony in this world I don't really know what to do on this but it'd be nice to know if there's other people besides me that got screwed around by religious people

I think alot of us are in a similar boat! Personally, I'm after the whole enchilada and not a casual 'thing' with benefits.

I'm just looking for someone to wash the dishes after cooking me dinner, clean the house, feed and walk the dogs, laundry, go to work. Sex is OK also. Oh yeah, iron my shirts.

Oh yeah, you are not alone....

you can mediate and you want sex and friendship etc and vice versa. sex is good

What have you been doing for the last 48 years ???

Speaking as a guy, I never expect sex on the first date but am always willing. If I see the girl home I'll try for a kiss and see how far it goes. But importantly, it's always cool when the girl wants to stop, no problem at all. Any subsequent dates are the same. If it got to a month I may seek clarification.

Actually, any cis hetero guy who wants to talk to you and "get to know" you has that goal in mind.

Hi have read your post and would have thought that at the age of 48 you would be well versed in the boy girl friend experience but that aside not all men are just after sex but it is part of a relationship to have sex as is washing the dishes going out for dinner sitting and talking laughing and joking it is all part of a relationship and if you have issues at your age then it is most likely that you are better off alone for you to pursue this matter is only going to end in disaster for two people.

There will be a lot of men only interested in that... just like in the past, people do not really change. They might get wiser. They may fear of ending life alone. You will experience hit and miss but do not discourage, there are those looking for companionship also and a witness to the rest of their lives.