SOME OLD, SOME NEW... ALL FUNNY!!

So cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren't. That must be frustrating.

Still trying to get my head around the fact that the words 'Take-Out' can mean food, a date, or murder.

To the paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what's your plan?

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the 'cool table' of the patients' cafeteria in a mental hospital.

You know you're over 50 when you have 'upstairs Tylenol' and 'downstairs Tylenol'.

I too was once a male trapped in a female body ...and then I was born.

When I lost two fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I'd still be able to write with it. He said, "Possibly, but I wouldn't count on it."

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise daily. But that was five hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars come out at once from a vending machine.

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.

The biggest joke on humans is that computers have begun asking us to prove we aren't robots.

When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor".

If Adam and Eve had been really smart, they'd have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

We celebrated our anniversary last night with a couple of adult beverages ..Metamucil and Ensure.

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

After watching how some people wore their covid masks, I understand why contraception devices fail.

Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

For those of you that don't want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they're making a male version ...it doesn't listen to anything.

Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly ...next week: Turn Signals.

Someone said, "Nothing rhymes with orange." I said, "No, it doesn't."

The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.

I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

Exercise helps you with decision-making. It's true. I went for a run this morning and decided I'm never going again.

Have a funny day!