Your parents religious observance is merely the way they chose to cope with a difficult situation. It's clear from your writing that they are still in the situation you escaped. It's easy to judge people who are unable to take charge and change their situation but, the truth is not everyone has the ability to do that. People are just people even if they are parents and being parents doesn't guarantee that we become better people (even though it would be nice if it did). They probably only have two things that make their lives bearable, their religion, which they believe gives them hope for the future and you. Other than those two things they probably view their lives as irrelevant. So I think its great that you don't forget about them.
Fortunately for you, you had the ability to overcome the circumstances that defeated them. You should always keep in mind that most people, for whatever reason, do not have that ability. In spite of your history, you should recognize that you are actually a member of a fortunate minority in that you have the ability to analyze and learn from your past and use those lessons for your own future benefit. This should make you feel special, but never lose compassion for those who are less intellectually fortunate, so far you haven't, but you will have to if you can't learn to mentally separate yourself from their reality. This is necessary for the sake of your own mental health. In these situations I sometimes pretend I'm watching a movie and then try to dispassionately analyze these situations. Try that or a similar mental exercise, it might help.

My family is a lot like yours. My ancestors are some of the sickest bastards known to man and thrived on abusing children. The neighborhood(s) were safe enough but no-one gave a damn about the kids. I lived in over 15 different places (group homes, shelter homes, detention centers, foster homes, and even psych units) because of our mother....I swear she is responsible for at least 3 deaths but you would never even know she is so evil and even I still get conned into believing she has changed sometimes.
So, I would like to share some things that are helping me in the hopes that you may find some hope, strength and coping skills. The damage that was done to you as a child is permanent BUT (good but) the open and infected wounds can become scars that no longer create additional problems like infected wounds do. Early childhood trauma does cause damage for a lifetime and people NEED to wake the fuck up and stop wounding children.
Anyway,the fear I feel today is more like terror. Although I am safe now my mind will never let go of the fact that safety is not guaranteed. For me to even move off the couch is mind boggling difficult. I am still trying to be invisible because being seen by adults was never safe for one reason or another. The fact is that our minds are stuck in fight or flight (freeze) as a result of the repetitive abuse. Abuse at different stages of growth can actually damage areas of our brains causing us to wonder why we cannot bond or lose our shit over stupid things like unfolded clothes in a dresser drawer yet knowing that is helpful. The absolute best piece of advice I ever received was "Melita, you have spent your entire life fighting an illness that you cannot defeat. You need to accept it and find ways to live with it."
So, the first thing I did was to stand up tall and brave and I told those fuckers off (in my mind) and aloud but they were not with me. I wrote them letters and talked about the things they did as though it were done to someone else because they had taught me only too well not to care about my own needs. Then I began to ask myself questions about me and what I want.
My daughter tells me to keep a journal because I keep going "home" hoping things changed only to end up in crisis again and again. It is hard to accept the people that were supposed to protect us were the ones we were hiding from. It makes trusting others probably impossible. The best thing we can do is to LOVE that kid ourselves, accept her fears as real and let her know that the adult you will take care of her. I am beginning DBT therapy, have you heard of it? It is a mind and body awareness (mindfulness) and some skills training for handling emotions better.
My diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, and chronic anxiety. To many people this would be as good as a death sentence but to me it is proof positive that children need for people like you and I to speak up and advocate for ourselves and them. Far too many adults are paying for therapy because of shit they do not even remember.
You are obviously a lot stronger than you may be aware of right now or you would not have left in the first place. In my opinion when you went back, you reopened the wounds which is what any doctor would do if it were a physical injury that had gotten infected. Yes, you are going to be in a shit ton of confusing emotions but you can and WILL heal and wear those scars with pride. You survived when so many do not and if you need to talk then we are here for you. You can send me a private message if you ever need to talk privately or anything.
I am truly sorry you carry the responsibility of the mess but you are so brave. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

You're doing good, lass. You've taken huge steps, and the occasional backwards step ain't changing that trajectory. Strength and endurance to you.

I struggled with the choice to cut my Mother out of my life. Actually, I still do, all the time. At some point, maybe after the birth of my daughter, I had to really assess the relationship and decide whether it caused more pain, or brought more pleasure. Dealing with someone who's really mentally ill, and in my family that goes hand-in-hand with being a religious fanatic, will always cost you much more than it could ever be worth. Make your own JOY, and don't give anymore energy to people who don't realize who wonderful you are!

Eeek! Maybe get out of there and hit the beach, or a national park. Nature doesn't judge.

I suggest you see a counselor. It sounds like you have PTSD. That is understandable.

I support you, dear.

Family are just people you grow up with in close quarters... Nothing more.

Remain with us on this site, you will be OK! You are amongst friends here. ?❤?

My advice is - don't go back. At least, not until you feel a lot stronger and more confident about the person you are now. It sounds as if you have escaped from your background and are making yourself a better life. That's the most important thing for you now. Deal with that first and build yourself up. Make new friends carefully, join supportive groups, don't open your heart to everyone, but keep in contact with the supportive people in this group. If you find you miss your family after a while, why not invite them to visit you, rather than visiting them? There is no need to go back to an environment where you don't feel safe. Stay strong!

Very sorry to hear of your difficulty. Some very constructive advice has been given already, I think, and I particularly agree with @LiterateHiker. You seem a bit shell-shocked and might benefit from some counseling. Possibly just talking about your feelings on all of this with a professional who can feed back to you will help you find a healthy perspective from which to cope. Also, as others have said, you DO indeed have a place here to vent and discuss without judgment. =] You're not alone.

There's an old saying: You can't return home, which is sort of true... The thing is things do change, but sometimes to their detriment, they stay the same but we've changed. It is comforting to think of a place where you came from and you'll be safe, and you can be wrapped in the trappings of a childhood you longed for, but didn't experience... Unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way. Honestly, it probably almost never works out that way. Just be proud of the knowledge that you're in a way better place now and you are moving forward with a clear, discerning mind that allows you to see things as they are.

Everyone has advice for you and to you. There is nothing worse than being tied to something you can't control,,, But you can. Meditate and let the thoughts get out of your head. Learn to be outside where there is the earth, trees and nature enjoy those things around you. It is hard when each one of us has a story of our lives of our past which conflicts our present. Anything you say to define yourself brings about limitations. .....

Wow, your story parallels my life as a kid in so many ways! I also grew up poor and in a ghetto-centric area back in St. Paul, MN. I was considered the "token" white kid, so to speak. As a result of watching my back, seeing terrible things happen to others, and ensuring the worst from other people, I can relate on the little "kwirks" in my personality such as being tense, high-strung, anxious, and guarded at times. It's like I just read parts of my own biography there with what you said.

I also understand the mindset of wanting to go visit but once you do, it just seems to re-ignite those anxieties and other feelings. I have lately been missing Minnesota like crazy, as I haven't visited it since 2004. I moved from there to New Mexico, and it's been a huge culture change. At least in MN, I want bothered as much by the bible-thumoers and so on, where down here it's like EVERYONE is a Christian or Catholic or so on.. I find it funny how these super religious types tend to be the most troubled or problematic to others. I try not to be judgemental, but it's a common factor in so many people's lives here.

I think that you've got a great head on your shoulders with your realizations and understanding of who you are and how you've grown to become, well... you. The past is a part of your life story but from the way it sounds, you have much larger chapters waiting to come. Hopefully you won't be discouraged and push forward.

Sometimes laughter is the best medicine, when some of my JW family would try to get all hot and heavy with me over their crazy beliefs I would just deflect with humour instead of arguing with them. I suspect that they really wanted to argue in order to reinforce their belief compared to my Atheism but it was impossible for them to find traction when I used humour and it dropped my stress level significantly.

Sounds like Post Traumatic Stress. Have you looked into counseling? Sounds like you lived in the hilltop neighborhood during the height of gang activity? I can't imagine!

You are gorgeous! You are smart! You have a heart for helping people!!! You are also trying to stay connected to family, which shows a loving heart!!!

Wow - so much to share about my own personal recovery journey from similar but different situation. Anytime you want t reach out, please message me. What worked for me, in summary: Radical self-acceptance and self-care. Taking all the space I need. Learning my gut and then learning to trust it. Someone mentioned professional help and DBT. I second those.

I can offer this hope: at age 27 I finally built the Berlin Wall of boundaries with my mom and dad. The following 10 years were full of my own peace to follow my instincts some days and self-doubt and grief others. I did not want to be alive some days. I did love every breath and second some days. Life is like that. Mantra “this is just a moment of suffering.”

Last winter, my mom finally apologized - she got it. Genuinely. We are at detente and loving detachment now.

I don’t want to birth kids because nothing about my maternal instincts is wired well. And yet, I think I helped raise myself and mom into the women we have the potential to be.

Continue to be strong ?

Sorry to hear you feel so stressed, please count me as a new anti bullshit friend, Steve is my name.

Sometimes we do this because we love the idea.of what we have made in our head they way we wanted things to be. Oh it wasnt that bad. Remember the ice cream cone we got that one Saturday with dad. But forget about the weeks of screaming and yelling that happened before it.
Last year I almost died. My dad was 85 and all I had was him. He demanded I start talking to one of my sisters again. I did it to make him happy. It went ok. U til we really started talking. Then I remembered all the crap. I was telling my daughter a story and she asked well why did that happen. This funny quirky story was really about pain amd my sister kicking me out of her daughters life. Becauae her daughter wanted me as her mom. Other things like this popped up
And it all came crashing down. I disowned my family over 15yrs ago. And her I was feeling the same bullshit I hadn't in years. But I kept my tongue for my dad. He did last Feb. I have prettt much cut off the family again . I don't need them. But I am glad I had this little reminder of why I am the way I am. I know it hurts now. But you will get your footing again. Look back and be yea I am stronger without them amd why. Head up and know your not alone

It sounds like you have some PTSD issues, if you are not getting therapy I believe you should seek therapy. I would not go back to that environment myself if you have that type of reaction to it, it ain't worth it. It took me 15 years of separation from my childhood home and parents before I could face them without anxiety or anger or depressive issues cropping up.
My father was a beast when I was growing up, didn't need church to know about the devil, he came home at 5 o'clock. Mom finally divorced him but let him back into our lives a short time later. I was able to forgive my Father before he died, now I'm dealing with an elderly Mom. It seems harder to forgive her for what she allowed to happen and contributed to in her own way.
Of course my path differs from yours but I have after Mom passes. I'm cutting all ties to my immediate family and moving. That's my solution. I refuse to deal with my family any more so I will recuse myself from them. It's easier than trying to get them to realize what happened and how their choices affected me, not spending the rest of my life dreading when the phone rings that it may be one of them.
You have to protect yourself, no one else can do that like you can. It involves a new way of thinking and dealing with issues and that will take time. You have to decide if learning a new way to think is worth it and if it is it will be hard work at times, but the payoff is massive. You will learn yourself and possibly what makes you tick. You will learn to act rather than react to outside influences, you will decide how you feel, not how something or someone makes you feel. You can become empowered to live your life as you want to, not being pushed or shoved by fear and hate, but deciding for yourself.
You can do this, you are not alone.

“I had not yet learned that one cannot really be superior without humility and tolerance and human understanding. I did not yet know that in order to belong to a rare and higher breed one must first develop the true power and talent of selfless immolation.”
― Thomas Wolfe, You Can't Go Home Again

I've always liked this passage from the book. To me it means we need to look inward to grow and develop tolerance of others. Try looking at the decor in your folks home as an unappealing art exhibit you might encounter at a local gallery or a museum. You don't have to like it, you don't have to understand it. That is for the owner of the items and for those others who do. Embrace the things in life that make you happy and phuck what other's may think or say. It shouldn't matter because it doesn't matter.

Maybe that is why I did not retired to live back in Puerto Rico. The place has changed, the locals had changed, I had changed. The PR in my mind and my heart is no longer there. So why bother?

It might help if you keep in mind that your parents, along with everyone else, did the best that they could do with the genes and environment that that made them who and what they are. This is a societal pathology and there is really no certain person to blame for the past but you are the only one who can take care of you now and in the future. Do what serves you, and therefore humanity, the best and try to avoid what does you harm if there is no chance to make things better for someone.

Knowing is half the battle.
My situation differed but found resonance with your story.