Quips for the day.

Sometimes I get on a line of thinking that bugs me and I have to get the thoughts out before I forget them. It's usually things that I find funny.

Things like:
When someone says to you, 'Don't even think about it'. You are almost obligated at that point to think about it. Where does someone come off telling me how to think? What will be the penalty if I do think about it? While we are at it, how are you going to know whether I thought about it or not? Do you have some mind reading skills I haven't been informed of? Now I'm almost afraid to think at all.

I have had times where someone told me not to even think about it and I was literally not thinking at all. I was happy not thinking at all, and now to nimrod has made me think about what it is I am not allowed to think about.

Here's another one. I'm sure you have heard this one before. 'Taste like shit' Really? Well thanks my friend. I never knew what shit tasted like and you sir have advised me that this dish I was eating is apparently the same as shit. One more thing I can add to the list of don't eat.

While we are on that subject. What do they mean when they say 'I feel like shit.'? WTF? Have you taken a poll and found out exactly how shit feels? Is it mostly depressed or is there happy shit out there somewhere? I have never been shit, and as far as I know, I have never met shit. So, as far as I know I have no comparison there. But rest assured, if I ever encounter a talking shit, I will ask it how it feels. I'm pretty sure the response will be 'I feel like two goldfish flushed in a toilet on a hot summer day.'

How about 'sucks like ass'? I don't know about everyone else but my ass tends to blow, not suck. The day my ass starts sucking shit in, instead of blowing shit out, I will be mildly impressed.

Here's another one. Has someone ever said to you, 'This sucks.'? What are they talking about? What is 'This' and what makes you think it 'sucks'? Is it my ass again? Cause we already had this discussion and we both know it was dumb.

Oh here's one that makes me question someone's sanity. I'm sure you have heard this one before. 'I'll be back in two shakes of a lambs tail.' Okay first: When did a shake of a lambs tail become a measurement of time? Second: What is that shake equivalent to? And if you know what it's equivalent to, then why not just eliminate the confusion and give me the unit of time. Two shakes of a lambs tail. The person who made this up was probably a frustrated farmer who couldn't figure out why the sheep kept running away from them.

Another one that just makes me want to slap someone. 'Come on over here and sit beside me. I don't bite' Well that's a relief. I was really worried you were a biter. But for the record, that fear wasn't the reason I didn't sit down beside you. I sat here because it was convenient. If you want me to sit beside you, come over here. Oh wait, someone else already took that seat. Sorry

One more before I give it a rest. Has anyone ever said to you 'Where did the time go?'? Like time is a tangible idea. Well, I don't know. Maybe time is upstairs packing it's bags cause it was tired of your complaining. Or maybe you didn't reassure time that you don't bite.