I'm in a quandary. When is enough enough? On one hand, I don't want to burn bridges and completely cut my daughter off from any family relations. On the other hand, I'm sick and tired of smoothing things over and ignoring bad behaviour.
It was an inter-racial marriage and his side of the family has denied our daughter is his child since her birth. I've been asked, repeatedly by him and his family, to provide and pay for DNA tests. (Not going to happen ever.)
Now, a young woman, a bit older than our daughter, and someone we met about 8 years ago when she and her family lived down the block, has moved back. She calls my ex "Dad" and he calls her (in foster care) children his grandkids. He treats her better than he ever treated his own daughter. AND this is the kicker, no one has ever asked her to provide DNA to prove his paternity. (I'm sure her actual parents would be horrified.)
I'm so angry, I could spit. This is the quandary. I no longer want to talk to the grandmother except to tell her exactly what kind of slime I think they all are. On the other hand, I don't want my daughter to be isolated forever. I keep hoping someone will accept her, but I think that's less and less likely.
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16 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Pixie, this situation sucks. They suck. He sucks.
If I were in your shoes, I would get the test. Sure, I'd be angry that they doubted me, but it would be the surefire way to put the accusations/argument to rest permanently.
After that, let her and her dad figure out the rest. Be the best mama you can be and nuture her self-worth, but let her make her decisions about them.
My daughter also is bi-racial. When you said your daughter has blue eyes, it reminded me of this song that I love.
BlueWave
Level 8
June 4, 2018
1
What a lovely song. Made me cry.
I bet your family is a lively place to live.
@pixiedust Yeah, it makes me tear up also.
I don't understand your second sentence, lol. 
My daughter is 28 now and doesn't live near me. 
We are close, but she wanted to live in NY.
Also, her dad was not a good dad. But, I never said a bad word about him. Ever. She figured it out on her own. His only saving grace is that when he was dying, he apologized profusely (while crying) for not being a good dad. I think that helped soothe the wound a bit, but not completely.
I know we all want our children to know their family retain ties and such.
Others have mentioned that blood families are not always the best solution. I think we need to reconsider our approach.
Children need loving families, those families do not need not be biological. I am a single dad to my 2 biological offspring and a number of fosterlings, now scoring a new generation as these have families of their own. In a couple of cases the new generation will never know the grandparents I replaced. My advice is don't diminish your life or that of your daughter, wipe them, there seems to be nothing to lose.
Since my in laws passed away I feel bad that my children don't have grandparents as my family never accepted me or my kids. So we are better off without them. Build a loving environment around your daughter and avoid that other family.
Rugglesby
Level 8
June 4, 2018
2
Has he been supporting your daughter? If not, I would definitely tell granny where she can shove her attitude. Chosen family can often be better than biological. Odds are good that I will never be a biological grandma. My best friend shares her grandbabies with me and I love them like I've always loved her children.
Deb57
Level 8
June 4, 2018
3
If I were in your shoes, I would very carefully craft my remarks to tell them that you find their attitudes toward your daughter hateful, cruel, and immoral, and that you expect better from them. Tell them that you would like to give them the opportunity to build a solid relationship with your daughter -- and that if they will not, you want nothing more to do with them.
wordywalt
Level 9
June 3, 2018
2
We do not choose our families but we damn well choose what we do or do not allow in our lives. In my opinion this should not have continued as long as it has. Tell your daughter she deserves better and has a fucked up family that does not deserve her! Tell her to find people that celebrate her and make a family of her own and tell those douche bags it is their loss not hers. (Sorry if I over-reacted or offended you)
CreativelyMe
Level 7
June 3, 2018
2
No offense taken. A forthright and justifiable sentiment.
@pixiedust Oh good. I am glad you received it that way.
So you failed at chosing a partner. Now what are you going to do about it now?
GipsyOfNewSpain
Level 9
June 3, 2018
1
I must admit the thought of sacrificing him to wolves has crossed my mind, but our daughter is still rather fond of him.
@pixiedust You sure speaking like my ex-wife. To her I am worth more money alive than dead.
@GipsyOfNewSpain We exes can be a bitter and vindictive lot 
(irl, I maintain affordable housing for him and his cats and ensure he has the means to get to his medical appointments. He suffered a traumatic brain injury a couple of years after the divorce.)
@pixiedust my ex will send my children to keep me alive, in a coma but alive, she gets half of my military pension as long I am alive, if she dies I get her half back. So one wants the other dead and the other needs him alive. Oh the irony of love and marriage!
@GipsyOfNewSpain That is ironic. I can picture an entire comedic movie around your situation. (P.S. I really like your profile pic.)
@pixiedust My whole life is an ironic comedy but she earned that money monthly giving me 3 wonderful kids and 19 years of marriage. Thanks for the compliment. Just to give you a little bit of how far irony could go. Me and her husband nr 2 went to get a pc for my first born. In the store the young sales lady helping us thought him and me were a couple! I have to explain to her.... No, I am the Father, he is the Stepfather. Funny aint? And after she left him and moved to the West Coast he wanted to move as a roommate with me in my daughter's condo. I am not going to give her the satisfaction to say.... my 2 exes are living together now. If is a reality show and I will get at least a half a million for the first season I do it but we moving to the house I build with her with screened pool and jacuzzi and because I am hubbie nr 1, the older and the least crazy I got the master bedroom! Another irony.... something I wrote cost me the divorce. According to her I never wrote something as pretty for her and that she couldn't stand.... Who needs roseanne show? "Ina's Two Husbands" would had been the Bomb!
@GipsyOfNewSpain LOL. One crazy adventure after another! Which just proves life is crazier than fiction.
@pixiedust Always been my thought that life must be one crazy adventure after the other, so nothing surprise me.
When you're telling the truth, testing should not be a problem except for the expense. I've always said - go ahead, test the kids. Go ahead, give me a drug test which I will gladly take right along with you taking yours. Shuts them down real quick when they see you've nothing to fear and aren't worried about any results.
exilesky
Level 7
June 3, 2018
1
pixie...you are going to have to let it go. you cannot change them....even if you HAD given them a test result when they wanted it...they would have come up with some other total bullshit remark. much like what trump tried on obama.
however, you can find someone in that group to keep up with where the family will be. your daughters generation of kin may grow up looking for a connection to her. don't shut all doors on her future. The more drama you give it, the worse it will get. and don't talk shit about them to her. she may find a cousin in that bunch she gets along with one day. theres no point in her thinking that part of her family is total crap....then she may wonder if shes got bad blood. kids look at stuff kinda funny at times.
let it go for the both of your sakes.
cheepsie
Level 4
June 3, 2018
4
We talk about the cousins she's never been allowed to meet and try to keep track of where they are in case they would like contact later. No sense painting them with the same brush. They're as innocent as my daughter is.
If you need the financial help, sue him for it and provide DNA evidence. Otherwise it sounds like you AND your daughter are better off severing this branch of the family tree.
Fins
Level 4
June 3, 2018
4
I've always been the breadwinner. She's legally his daughter because we were legally married. We help support him as he's on disability. I've been reading all these comments and gained a new perspective. I think I've been letting the family suck me into unnecessary drama.
If you were married at the time did he sign the birth certificate?
All of this story is way too much drama Maury Povich.
It sounds as if the children are grown?
Let it be then.
Let him be.
Let yourself be.
BufftonBeotch
Level 8
June 3, 2018
1
Yes, he signed the birth certificate. We both did. Yes, the comments on this post have let me step back to see all the toxic drama. Time to let it go - just how to tell the grandmother I don't want to hear any of it anymore without causing nuclear fallout.
@pixiedust Let the weight loose.
Just because they are blood doesn't make them good for you. How does your daughter feel about the whole situation?
IMHO They know who you are and she knows who they are - take a break. You can't make them care.
Donna_I
Level 8
June 3, 2018
5
Too true. We got three phone calls once telling us not to come to a particular funeral. Since the death and funeral happened in another province and hundreds of miles away, we wouldn't have even known about it except for the phone calls. Feels raw again because we just learned about another death in the family a couple of months ago.
There's still your side of the family. I say just cut them off if they're going to be like that. There's more to life than just relatives.
memorylikeasieve
Level 7
June 3, 2018
4
Thank you for your support.
My side of the family is worse - they haven't spoken to me in decades. They don't even believe my daughter exists. The last time my sister and I talked she accused me of making it up to get money from her despite me never, ever asking for anything. Why would I? I have a good job and have been supporting myself since I was 17.
@pixiedust oh, dear. I'm sorry to hear that. Just a lot of really toxic people, it seems. ? Still might be best for you and your daughter to avoid them.
If they aren't treating her as his daughter, are they treating her badly? If so, then what is the point of keeping in touch? Your daughter can always reconnect with them in the future.
Bill165
Level 5
June 3, 2018
4
Yes, they are and I think we've been patient far too long.
I'd have the DNA done. You'll have proof then.
Ellatynemouth
Level 8
June 3, 2018
1
I can see you’re feeling angry. But I gotta wonder whether biting the bullet and getting that paternity might just put the little shits in their place. Unless you know something you’re not sharing.
Justjoni
Level 8
June 3, 2018
8
I had an amniocentesis when I was pregnant and they didn't believe the results of that.
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