Recently, my mate's hyper-religious, Seventh Day Adventist relatives came over for dinner. They don't swear, don't drink alcohol, don't wear jewelry (even the women), don't dance and only sing sacred songs. Thrilling people. Knowing that the one thing they'd likely have to do during their hours-long visit was use the guest bathroom, I decided to adorn the shelf over the toilet with a statuette I affectionately call "Slutty Salome". Happily, almost all the nine visitors used the facilities and, unless they peed or pooped with their eyes closed, had to have---at least briefly---endured Slutty's salacious gaze. I had good fun . . . But did I go too far or not far enough in my attempt to stick it to the relatives?
I think you missed the boat. Ancient Egyptian and Roman art are rife with blatant phallic imagery .... and hey, it is "legitimate antique art"!!
You can always buy one of these and have them drying on a bathroom shelf:
[divine-interventions.com]
Excellent! Well done.
For reading material, next time add a book about evolution.
"The Origin of Species" by Charles Darwin
"Why Evolution is True" by Jerry A. Coyne