Hi @Leutrelle

I have been thinking about your problem. From your statement I have inferred that you are agnostic/aspiring atheist, would that be correct?

I have been trying to figure out what, exactly, you are afraid of.
If you lean toward the atheistic world view and hold to the opinion that there are no further dimensions to reality beyond this physical/material plane and that once your body can no longer support life, you will simply cease to exist, then why be concerned at all?
Do you worry that falling back, as you put it, to your Christian belief at the hour of your death would attest that you lacked the courage of your convictions?

I was reminded of the mini-death in which I do call out god. I suspect maybe the is no hope for me

I was a devout Christian for 37 years. I consider the state of death to be the same state we were in before we were born - a state of nothingness. If you believe that you won't need to fear gods and their punishments. Just realize there is no evidence for any supernatural beliefs at all. The natural is all there is and all there ever will be.

Nope.

zhen de ma.

You have no choice in the matter, so no need to worry about it. The other worry people have is that their religious family will give them religious after death rituals. I generally think, I'll be dead and gone so who gives a shit what they do, but I don't want any of my money that should go toward my nephew's college fund going to any religious organization.

Just remain curious! That way, if there is "something" there (reincarnation?) You will be excited & interested. And if there is nothing.........

No, I don't. I don't think I ever really believed that particular theology about death and what goes on after. You could compare other ideas on what happens and see if something else resonates with you... but if fear or even terror in the face of death could push you back to it... did you ever really leave it?

Yes I suspect if I'm ever staring death in the face, it's possible I'll become desperate and irrational enough to subscribe to one of humanities popular comforting myths.
but at least I will have spent most of my life being more interested in reality.

death and nothing at all afterwards if looked at wrong can be a very abrupt end and forever to make it seem terrible and scary. this is the living caring you thinking. death is the ultimate rest without stress we will ever have and won't care about then because we are finished and over. I for one hope it is just that really I do just like before I was born.

From an evolutionary perspective, being intellectual and rational uses a much younger part of our brain than the survival instincts that took millions of years to evolve... It's called biological imperative.

So - as in a panic situation where the intellect gets tossed out the window in favour of our natural instincts, we'll gravitate to any life saver we can see. Example: I saved my younger brother from drowning in deep water. His only instinct was to climb on top of me like I was a flotation device. Didn't give a shit he was drowning me in the process. Facing death isn't easy.

Not even the slightest chance. When I went rational, I went rational. Been that way now for 60+ years. No looking back. No regrets. No more bullshit.

Confucian? Martian? Holy Order of Beer Xanadutian? Relax. Make god whatever you want it to be. Love it if it helps you. You will die, that's assured. Might as well go happy.

I do not but it is common. The reason I do not is that I study Christianity and the bible every day. I couldn't convert to or regress if I wanted to with all of my being. The reason is every day I study I find one more false claim that the religion makes. When you truly know something is a lie it is impossible to believe it.
So If it continues to be a problem, I would suggest reading The God Delusion, Breaking the Spell, or the God Virus. I simply studied the bible.

Nope. I punched my ticket already. The train never left the station, but I still punched my ticket just the same. I doubt I'll change my feelings when the time comes.

Who knows? I don't pretend to know that I'll always feel the same way. I've been all over the map. But I feel solid about this. Super solid.

??

Yeah, I know the feeling. If I had minor damage to the left side of my brain and my many uncertainty issues with Christianity were to decrease, I'd probably flip back. I don't think I should, but the emotional harnesses are pretty deep. If I had the emotional connections, but not the intellectual distancing, I'd probably end up back in the fold. Similarly, a loss of loved ones might also have unforeseen impacts. We don't know how our own brains will change under stress.

As a possible example to add to your point, there's always Anthony Flew's late shift to Deism. I don't really think he had the full force of his earlier faculties by the last ten years of his life, though.

Yep, me too. It's because of fear, which is religion's toehold. Fear of death; fear of the slight possibility we're wrong. It's explained by understanding how deep-seated these archetypes are in our reptilian brains.

I had Cancer - this convinced me I wasn't going to turn around and go back. My Dad had once said to me "But what will you have at the end if you don't believe?" - it really upset him for me? But I strongly feel I'll have had my life and I hope some grace while dying. I know my family knows way better than to try to convert me back.