My wife of 23 years is a devout Catholic. I accept her right to believe as she does, and she accepts the fact that I am an atheist. We very seldom discuss religion at all, and we have no conflicts about the issue. Neither of us makes any attempt to change each other.

If you love her that much I would start researching methods of deprogramming someone first before I gave up, and try those things.
Be clever about it, whittle away at this nonsense. If she loves you as much as you do her she should have a healthy fear of losing you also.
Just my .02.

Been there. It ended badly. If I could change things, I would have let go of the marriage earlier so that when it ended, it was more controlled and less like the aftermath of Hiroshima.

I'm in a similar spot. It's a tough spot for sure! My issue is the blind indoctrination of children without consent. Besides that, live and let live. I'd go on but even this much will cause an argument...

If you are new to Atheism, I recommend that you spend a year reading, studying and really creating a firm foundation of you newfound understanding of the role of religion in human history and culture.
For better, for worse, in sickness, in health, etc.
There is no reason to create drama or ruin a relationship when you are still in love and the relationship is healthy other than the religion issue.
There is no reason she can't work with you on your journey of self-development and understanding.
Share with her the doubts you have and the books you are reading to better understand Christianity.
You can easily walk her through the process during the next few years in a non-combative way...and, who knows, maybe she will reach the same conclusions you have.
For a relationship that long....you owe it to her and yourself to do the work and get through these life changes together.

Then don't ask her to choose. And hopefully she won't ask you to choose. People CAN agree to disagree.

I’ve been there! I’ve lost a relationship because he preferred his devotion to church and religion and couldn’t that I questioned the mindless indoctrination of it. Best of luck. I hope this works out for you.

I empathize with your situation because I was in this very same position. My wife is a Jehovah's Witness which is a fundamentalist apocalyptic cult. I lost my wife of 25 year's and my three children, my home and life as I knew it. Not an ideal situation but it is what it is. I hope that it turns out better for you.

I think it's a much greater issue because you have kids. It's pretty easy to "live and let live" (as long as they are not constantly trying to convert you, or "bring you back into the fold" in your case). But with kids in the mix, now we're talking about how this will impact developing minds. IMHO, that's where the battleground is, sadly. I know someone else on this site who is a religious refugee. She left her domineering husband and religion with your young son. The war rages on in her family because her ex does everything he can to inject religion into his son's life. Every visit is a nightmare for her. Co-parenting doesn't happen. Happily, she has physical custody, but it's still an intense battle.

I'm from that back ground and I feel for you. In church they will give you a scripture where you do not hook up a cow and an oxen to plow with because they are not equal. I call it "unequally joked." In real life the minister will make it out that the family must have both parents of strong and sound religious belief and if they are not, some changes need to be made. She will go with the minister's idea of this and these people think nothing of breaking up such a marriage. Hey, they are just following their book, right? You may have to fake this. I'm serious. If you love your family you might have to fake "seeing the light again" just to be able to stay together. Since there is no god anyway it all just depends on how important this is to you. It's possible that such a move might get the church off your back for now. It's also possible that your wife might see at some other time.

I am guessing the kids may be teens or near it.

You are going to have to choke this out for a few years.

Child support will put you in a van down by the river.

is there any possibility you can be completely frank with her and sit down and talk about your prospects?

g

Why tha fuck did you get involved that deep with "That"?

So who changed in your 20 year marriage? I think the most typical scenario in the beginning would be that neither of you were religious but sort of called yourselves whatever religion you were both raised with. Then, over the years, she grew more religious and you grew less religious. That's unfortunate and now you have to consider your kids.

It has happened to me.

I think that you could coexist in a loving relationship. The real question in my mind is “Is she being coerced by a religious leader to force the issue?”

If your relationship is truly based on mutual respect, have a discussion with her. Mutual respect usually doesn't involve trying to change something so fundamental to who you are. Will you only respect who she is if her beliefs mirror yours? Vice versa? You could fake it but I think in the end it would only lead to anger and resentment that would slowly poison you both. I would recommend a frank discussion on mutual acceptance. Just my 2 cents.

I am so sorry you are playing second fiddle to something that doesn't even exist.
That has got to suck so bad.

I've never had any of my relationships end strictly because of my complete lack
of belief. However, I definitely believe it was a contributing factor. Particularly in my
last marriage.

Only you know what you're going to be able to live with. It sounds like you're already preparing yourself for the inevitable.
Good luck going forward. Hope you remember that you have this community to come to when you need support.

I think your hope lies in coming to an agreement where you both respect the other and don't try and convert each other.

Kids can be complicated. My advice again is to discuss it and come to an agreement where you both can talk about what you believe in front of the kids and no arguments happen.

At least this way you have the opportunity to show the children that there's an alternative to religion.

You can also show them how they can educate themselves about religions, as opposed to having religion shoved down their throats from before they can talk.

My situation is slightly different. I married in 1997, religion was a non issue. I was an atheist already and he was a recovering JW. About five years ago he discovered the church and started treating us like we were “less than”. He tried to force the boys to go to church, one is agnostic one atheist. We ended up divorced. I have to tell you, I loved being married and up until that time we had a fantastic relationship. It’s disappointing but it was better for the kids to get out.

You have to be strong. You know her position. More than likely dug in. People have to reach their own religious conclusions. Doesn't have to be over if you can stand the religious atmosphere.

I'm single, so it's not an issue except my dating pool has shrunk because I don't want to date someone super-religious.

Good luck.

That's a tough situation...what makes it really bad is the kids...if she's that far down the rabbit hole, you have big problems...don't have any advice, but I do sympathize...if you decide to file for divorce...record and document ANY attempt to alienate the kids ... Went through that and it is harmful as hell to the kids...courts do not like hearing that...that is grounds for custody...good luck.

Wow, that's a tuff position to be in. You at one time were Christian? What changed your beliefs? Are you able to share and enjoy other things in life? Are you concerned about causing confusion in your children? For me I could never be in this type of marriage because it is a very important part of my parenting style to allow my son to choose his own beliefs. Where do your values lie in parenting?

Her weakness is your burden, if she insists on taking the placebo let her. I would recommend the occasional skeptical interjection in the hope of engendering rational thought, but steering clear of causing consternation. Faith is a poison that takes a careful weaning. Whatever you do, don't force her to choose the figment of her imagination over you. The idea of God has aborted more romances than have ever been engendered by its name.

What is your investment in the situation? Do the benefits of staying outweigh leaving? If so get involved with her life. You don’t have to be a card carrying Christian and you still get the cakes st Christmas! If it doesn’t you could consider an alternative arrangement for your own sanity. Either way you need to discuss the situation to determine what is the best outcome for everyone. The parents of a friend of mine were in a similar situation. His mother was JW and his father of no religion and they managed fine. It’s a shame when an ideology, whether belief or non-belief, is given far too much emphasis.