Here’s a fun lie our culture teaches us: “bad” girls are sluts who will say “yes” to “risky” sex with anyone and everyone, and they’re the ones who end up getting sexually used and abused. “Good” girls don’t even think about sex, until the night they’re married when they have perfect, satisfying sex with the love of their lives.
Obviously when we lay it all out there like that we know that that’s a myth, but a lot of people still have an internal bias about women who own their sexuality, thinking of them as taking unnecessary risks. We don’t tend to think of men in the same way.
A new paper suggests that it’s the “good” girls we should be worried about when it comes to risky behaviors in bed. A researcher at Vanderbilt examined an existing database with surveys from more than 7,000 college students, looking specifically at women’s self-described sexual agency and “pleasure prioritization”. She cross-referenced that with women who had experienced unwanted sexual activity during a hook-up.
What she found was that women who were sexual “subjects” as opposed to sexual “objects” — that is to say, women who know what they want and go after it as opposed to women who go along with the situation and wait for things to happen to them — the “subjects” were much less likely to experience unwanted sexual activity compared to the “objects.” Women with sexual agency were much more likely to say “no” instead of going along with an undesired activity just to please their partner. Women who didn’t prioritize their own pleasure, and who didn’t see themselves as sexual beings, were more likely to just do what they were asked to do regardless of whether they really wanted to, leading to regret.
Interesting, so know what you want, like duh, took a study to determing that, lol
This makes sense to me, and reflects my life experience. Women with sexual agency are often punished for it in one way or another; men, much less so. And since women are so objectified by our patriarchal, porn-saturated culture, older women get overlooked a lot.
I agree but what about the rising number of cougar women?
@JackPedigo Gotta love those cougars
Women are taught that being “good” and “nice” mean not telling people “no.” In hundreds of little ways, we learn to subjugate our own needs and feelings for others. In all kinds of situations, not just sexual ones. Women are told that we are responsible for setting sexual boundaries, but in all other areas of our lives we are taught that it’s not nice/feminine/allowed to have boundaries.
Women who feel less restricted by those norms are better able to set and adhere to personal boundaries.
Maybe in today's changing culture that will also change. I hope so. I, for one, can't imagine being with a non-assertive woman. It takes too much mind-reading which I am terrible at.
Yeah, I noticed that also.
Also, they're the ones most often abused in a marriage.
More specifically, the ones more likely to stay in the marriage, or at least stay longer.
@AmyLF Abused women usually have high levels of male traits, and since males are typically "whatever" about their friends borrowing their car, wrecking it, borrowing money, spilling beer everywhere, and not caring, these women often lack the female "brain chip" that usually effortlessly manages men, like with most of my cis female friends and relatives .
Typically, cis females with strong female traits won't even date an unstable character..the man has to bring her status, money, and approval from others or it's "Next!"
And even if somehow she starts dating a loser, the moment the guy disrespects her, his stuff is tossed onto the lawn, she changes the locks, and moves on without a backward glance.
Women with a high level of male traits (like me) tend to act like loyal males do with their girlfriends..they make excuses for bad behavior, keep forgiving them and letting them stay, even cover up for them to their families.
Although being loyal is an evolutionary plus for males, keeping them with one woman long enough to help raise his progeny, staunch loyalty in a female can be dangerous, if she turns a blind eye to scary behavior.
As I well know (sigh).
@birdingnut Ah, I don't think I've met a sic female in such a situation so I can't speak on them. Most of the women I've known who stay in these situations are usually fairly quiet and reserved, afraid to set off the person they are with. Many of them end up pulling away from friends and family out of shame or fear. These relationships often don't start out so bad. They guy my mother was with had charm and class and sweetness in droves during the courting and early part of the marriage. The brut slipped out slowly and in little bits until the confrontation that made her leave. She fought back with a knee to the groin and change jar to his head and then ran. She only went back with several male family members to pick up necessities and make sure he understood he would be leaving long enough for us to collect our things or they would be back to... "discuss" things with him more clearly. It worked.
I've been on a few Catholic pilgrimages in my younger years...
I've experienced both. Most women really are terrible at sex because of this. I see it often in the, what if my __ found out? What would "they" think of me if they knew I did this? What if they hear us? What if someone sees us? What if someone comes in?
Eventually it gets to the point of why even make any effort if she's going to be like this? I think it's the main reason why marriages and relationships fail. The money problems come from this dissatisfaction too not the other way around. Like I said, in my experience.
That makes sense, A woman/girl who knows her own self and self worth is more likely to own her own desire and know what she wants. A "good girl" is likely to go along just to be a good girl. I was a good girl for a while. I'm so glad I got over that s**t.
We should be teaching women that they are sexual beings who deserve as much satisfaction in bed (and elsewhere, of course) as a man. Sex doesn’t have to hurt, and it doesn’t have to be something you just have to get through in order for you to keep your boyfriend. It should be pleasurable for both people.
Obviously this is just a little study that shows correlation (but not causation) and looks at the issue of sexual satisfaction and women’s agency in a very narrow way. I’d love to see more research like this, because if nothing else it’s going to really freak out conservatives who don’t even want us to tell teenagers about condoms in sex ed, let alone telling them that sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable. That’s going to make some heads explode.
I felt like the whole thing skewed somewhat towards women that don't want to have sex. Of course I have been a bad girl most of my life so...