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Is there a reason we should speak respectfully of the dead?

How is it death seems to "sanitize" a person's life, that somehow they now deserve more respect than when they were alive?

#reason #death #respect
Hominid 7 Feb 18
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23

Level 8

I reserve the right to speak ill of anyone, regardless of their vitality status.

We all have the right to misbehave. Using it responsibly is helpful to the rest of us.

@Dwight If I want to talk about my mother and the harm she did to her family, her ill temperament and manipulative nature and emotional abuse, that's my prerogative. I don't give a rip whether that offends you or anyone else.

@resserts Stand your ground, even if it means being a surly old bastard. You are my brother.
19

Level 8

The dead literally do not care what you say about them.

The living do.

My thought exactly. The dead don't care, but I would consider the feelings of a living person. Although, maybe those people don't deserve much concern either, personal call for each of us. For example, I will never say one nice thing about a hypothetical woman's dead rapist son. Fuck that guy.

yes -well said - I think i would be muttering/chunnering , my comments to myself anyway

14

Level 9

Yet another reason to avoid funerals, and other death rituals.
If you were an asshole when you were alive, I'm not going to say you weren't just because
you're dead.

totally agree.

My grannys funeral was massively attended, along the streets as she was so well known in our small town., she talked to everyone, It was also for respect of the relations who owned shops as lots of people knew them too . I was in the black hearse procession with my youngest Uncle and Aunt and all the way to the crem they were telling hilarious granny stories, because they lived with her, so we had to keep straying form hilarious laughter to straight faced and back again for the whole journey. I love that We laughed I think it helped our grieving process too.think My Granny would have cracked a smile too!
10

Level 6

Being dead doesn't change my opinion of you. ...However, I do try to be sensitive when others are grieving and not speak ill of their loved one if I can help it. And if I liked and cared for the person, I won't speak ill of them after they've passed. That's just an asshole thing to do.

yes you said that for me too thanks -

9

Level 8

Perhaps it’s more about making things easier on the living.

That could be part of it. I knew a miserable old cranky guy that even made his wife glad when he passed away. Everyone in the neighborhood cheered... No word of a lie...

@Hominid now that i like!

I’ve met plenty of people just like that. @Hominid

I think you’re wrong. People suffering from grief want to view their loved ones in the best terms. @sarahjustme

Yes. All our death rituals are to support the living. Casseroles being one of the most practical.
8

Level 4

For me, it’s about consideration for the friends and family. It just seems cruel and rude to disparage the recently deceased when their loved ones are still grieving.

Of course, it’s different if we’re talking about truly horrible people like serial violent offenders, war criminals, or genocidal maniacs.

7

Level 8

On a positive note, my mother has decided she does not want a funeral, because she doesn't want anyone to hear what my youngest brother and I may say about her.

I'm not going to my mother's funeral. My sister gets to deal with all of it.

6

Level 7

I try to speak with respect of those people who I respected when they were alive. Certainly don't want to embellish the not very good people, in my view.

5

Level 9

They are listening? Sorry....i would speak about them the same way they deserved IMO in life.

5

Level 8

That’s good… Honestly though, most I’ve listened to lately regarding ‘the recently deceased’ were more factual than respectful 😉 ..I appreciate that ~

Varn Level 8 Feb 18, 2018
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4

Level 9

I don't think respectfully ever came into it? I tell the "Good stories" which often lead to laughter. Usually so the next generation knows something about their forebears. It's verbal history.

I have a friend whose father was her and her sister's abuser. She does not speak respectfully about him. I'm with her on this.

The relatives that were a bag of dicks don't usually get mentioned.

4

Level 8

Speak respectfully of the dead if they earned it while alive. My old man was a git, now he is a dead git.
Unfortunately my mother takes it one step further, my father would forbid her to speak to me, so for a few years after he died, she wouldn't because she was respecting his wishes.

Good grief that's horrific.
4

Level 7

Only if they deserve it or if you don't know them well enough to be critical. There is the point that they're not there to defend themselves...

3

Level 7

Yes. They are not here to defend themselves,. They are dead. Leave them alone, they won't do you any harm.

Yes, they are not able to defend themselves.

What if they couldn't defend themselves even if they were alive because they were so hateful, spiteful, abusive, selfish, and psychopathic? It's not that the living have to "get over their anger", it's that the person was a POS in the first place. So, to me, there's no reason to change tunes and talk of them as though they were a saint.

@Hominid If it makes you feel better do it. That doesn't make it right for me. My personal preference is to bury the hatchet along with the dead, They can't harm me anymore.
3

Level 6

surely only really works if you believe in an afterlife...
if i liked someone when they were alive, i'd be sad they're gone and speak well of them
if i din't like them, i why would i bother saying anything

3

Level 5

I don't see how it would matter to the deceased, I assume it derives from superstitions that the spirits of the dead are hovering above us. I'm respectful to the family and loved ones of the recently departed, why add to their grief? None the less personally I wouldn't absolve an asshole from being an asshole just because they're pushing up daisies.

The living don't need to carry the weight of the dead. They are gone, let them go. You punish a corpse.
3

Level 6

There no proof that dead people can hear so why talk to someone that can't hear or see you. Unless they are blind or def and alive

3

Level 7

What is the reason why we would speak ill of he dead? In most instances I can see no good coming from it.

What if they were a dick that made everyone around them miserable? For some reason, all their sins are wiped clean... I don't get it.

@Hominid The sins are best forgotten along with the sinner. Talking about them doesn't change things, time will do that.

@Hominid Those people need to be forgotten as soon as possible. Help them become forgotten. Ignore them.

@Dick_Martin @Dwight - I'm not defending that we should go on about how bad they were, but rather that we shouldn't speak of them as though they have somehow achieved sainthood through death.

@Hominid that's what I am saying, Just let it go. Our silence can speak louder than we can.

@Hominid My father-in-law would make a point after the funeral of going to the grave and pissing on it.
2

Level 8

I have always wonder that, too. I'm with @resserts.

2

Level 4

To a degree, I think it’s healthy to not dwell on the wrongs the dead have committed. If someone is no longer able to do harm, let it go. It’s more for a personal sense of closure or peace than actual respect for the dead person. We only deserve the respect we earn.

2

Level 7

I try not to gossip about the dead, but sometime you just have to speak ill of them if they were little assholes in life.

2

Level 6

I was always taught not to speak ill of the dead, and I practice that to this day. Now that doesn't mean that I praise someone who did not deserve praise when alive, but rather that for those who deserve no good words I remain silent about them.

This is something I identify as a largely midwestern US reserve (though I'm sure it exists elsewhere and in particular individuals) usually identified as "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it". While admirable in a way, I think with no qualification at all I can't really agree with it, as it amounts to a conspiracy of silence about ANYTHING negative, if you take it literally. In practice, people regard this as a taboo and no one communicates and no one is willing to call out bullshit. Granted some people are too hair-trigger about that, but I have seen too many families perpetuate dysfunction because they refuse to talk or work things out and go around demanding that they read each other's minds so they don't have to say anything uncomfortable.
2

Level 7

One time I stood at my father's grave and "swore like a sailor" due to the feelings that he instilled in me from childhood. I shared this with a nephew. My sister, his mother, later told me I desecrated his grave! I didn't come back with a retort then. I'm thinking now she was wrong. How can you desecrate the devil's grave? (I shared these events with a trusted acquaintance. He told me he had overheard someone in a cemetery cursing VERY loudly. I'm not the only one.) So, to answer the question, NO, there is no reason to speak respectfully of the dead if they, while they were alive did not EARN that respect.

When my mother died I wanted to Honor her request of final words on her headstone (Dark/Black Humor) "I have PROVEN cigarette smoking is hazardous to your health!"
My siblings saw it as Sacrilegious and would not assent.
YET, at her service they had the sheer audacity to have FLOWERS!
Which I saw as sacreligious as she ALWAYS SAID "Give me flowers when I can smell them, not when I am dead and they are useless" since I was a small boy.

I insisted, on her behalf, that each person take one and smell it in her stead, since they did not recall her words, which I repeated.

We all greive differently, and what you see as Honoring the dead might well offend another.
2

Level 7

Death is a natural part of life. Speak respectfully of the dead if you respected them in life.

1

Level 7

Aside from protection from libel and slander, the dead shouldn't be afforded any right that the living don't have.

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