It is easy to disrespect those that can't defend themselves. Just saying... not on one side or the other just saying.

Hominid,

I am new on here as of just now and looking at the posts yours is what caught my attention. A breath of fresh air reading your question. "Is there a reason we should speak respectfully of the dead"? If the person was a bad apple while breathing my friends, they are then a bad apple dead. Use them as fertilizer to bring something positive to the planet.

I think the concept is that you don't disparage people who aren't there to defend themselves. It's intended to discourage gossip and exaggeration.

It's a little different with the dead, in theory there's no one to harm. However, there are those who hold the person's memory sacred and want to keep it alive in a positive way.

My wife's ex died in a car accident. He had some issues, issues that had undermined their marriage. At the end he was seriously ill and she stood by him out of love and loyalty, to see him through his final illness. She has refused, nobly I think, to sully his memory with her kids, to whom he was an excellent step father. They will never know about his dark side. The way she puts it is that everyone should be remembered at their very best. It does no one, living or dead, any favors to dwell on their failures.

I mostly agree with her on that. She has confided in me alone concerning the dark stuff, which is enough for her to work it out and move beyond it. There's no need to spout off about it to one and all.

Of course there are people who are just black stains on the soul of humanity, who deserve no protection, in life or in death. That's a different story. I'm talking about most ordinarily flawed persons.

The Dead on't care. Funeral are for the living. No matter how much I care for someone, once they are dead I simply accept it even though I don't like it. I'm not one for funerals as I actually accept reality and go on with life. My best friend does not know nor did he expect me to go to his funeral. I love him deeply. Now a jerk is a jerk, Why should we lie about his life? A lie is still a lie whether alive or dead. Hitler is dead and I am glad for it. He can do no more harm, only the stupid people can hold him up as a hero.

I've never understood that thinking either. There are people who walked the earth and did so much damage that the earth is actually a better place now that they're gone.

There's also the idea of speaking honestly about someone as opposed to whitewashing their lives. Saying that Roger Ailes sold his soul for money and destroyed journalism, not to mention created a cadre of scared conspiracy theorists is not speaking ill of the dead. It's simply telling the truth. And as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing wrong with telling the truth.

Only if you believe they are liable to come and get you.
Otherwise It would or should depend entirely on the individual discussed.

EMPATHY, for the living who loved them.

Only if they earned it in life

Anyone ever seen Hitchens on the death of Jerry Falwell.? Wonderful stuff .

No harm in giving your respects to the dead especially if you are friends with them or the family.

Any issues with said person may lead to rest because of the act of dying

I simply do not attend them. The last, about 20 years ago, was for an indigent Glaswegian. He was buried in a pauper's grave whilst many fellow members of his Masonic Lodge looked on. Obviously I did not belong to the Masons & couldn't take the swearing in ceremony as I refused to lie. He was buried by the minister off the church that he had been scrounging off who was wearing a checkered sports coat and yellow trousers. It was the last time that I wore my black suit and tie.

After watching the Masonic hypocrites at the graveyard I vowed never to go to another funeral. Unlike them I did talk to Sandy's when he was alive. They were only there to claim the right to erect an headstone on his grave emblazoned with the masonic emblem and identifying the lodge.

Now I just say "if I didn't want to spend time with them when they were I've I sure am not going to start now because they are dead." And if I did spend time with them alive my response is "Fred's dead, gone, shuffled off, taken the last hike. Go for what - a wooden overcoat? No thank you"

For me personally it is the same reason I attend funerals, the feelings of the loved ones. Even if I could not stand the person, the family still do not need salt rubbed into the wound.

Although I'm generally pretty polite, I have 0 ability to tolerate that crap. I likely won't trash talk a deceased person to someone who loved/liked them, but if they were asses when alive, dying sure didn't reinvent them.

And yeah, I have some particular people in mind.

Upon reading other posts, I decided to mention, no, I won't go out of my way to disparage that person, but won't lie to make them seem nice either.

One poster said his wife wouldn't say negative things about her x to the kids. I applaud her, but I'll bet they knew.

I do not discriminate. If you are dead but pissed me off with your bad manners, behavior, or how you treat others, I will speak of you the way you deserve it. It's not like it would matter to you. I do not attend funerals very often. I have been seen crying at wakes ( that seems to be out of style as well)

The only reason I've heard is that the dead cannot defend themselves

[en.wikipedia.org]

No. I think the truth often comes out at Irish wakes. It's not disrespectful if it's the truth. Until, it gets out of control.

As much as it is while they are still alive. If you do not like someone, you do not like them. Respect is a must but liking is not.

Only if they earned it in life

That has always pissed me off. My brother was a cruel violent person in life and then when he got killed by one of his cohorts, everybody wants to talk about great he was?

Bullshit

No, if they were assholes alive then there assholes but dead.

It depends on who you dpesk WITH. Like if the family didn’t think the dead person was an ass, and there won’t be any negative impact by not saying how much of an ass that person was— why hurt the living?

But if it can help them heal, like they knew the guy was a total piece of shit— talk! Super cathartic!

You just don’t want to say something you can’t confirm to be a truth. Imagine if you said someone has an illegitimate kid but he was cremated— you can’t prove it, it hurts both the kid looking for a father and the family who thought he was faithful.

If you loved me when I was alive, you would have made it a point to inform me of our concern. Does that make your point mute? The Victims whom have perished in war, famine, gun violence are not coming back because of respect! Like in a War Memorial you will never be able to insert the word respectfully. I don't think that Victims would make the agenda!

If you respected them in life... why not in death? If you did not respected them in life... fuck'em, death should not earn them any respect.