Relationship Stalled
Ok... this is not a question I would have thought I’d ever be asking...
Some background.... my GF of 6 months is stalling our relationship and pulling back... I’m 47, with a 10 yr old son. She’s 41 with no children and doesn’t want any. She’s great with my son.
We had a good heart to heart last week and I found out that she’s hesitant with our future as she’s wondering what our ‘goal’ is?
I asked her what does she mean by that? What goals does she have? She really didn’t have an answer.
Do we need a relationship mission statement?
Really in the weeds on this one!
Constructive help only!
1
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9 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Ask her to marry you
Amisja
Level 8
Jan 29, 2019
0
@Bigandblue Try it.
@Bigandblue Well I'd stick to one significant other. There comes a point in a relationship where you want to know you have a future. You want to feel secure and real.
Yep, I feel a "mission statement" is a good idea - keeping in mind that it can change as time goes one. Honesty is key. If you one of you is hoping for long term - and the other is hoping for a fun casual relationship until feelings of long term become apparent - it's wise to gauge if those goals might cross at some point, so worth the investment/enjoyment of your time together or if one of you is certain to disappoint the other. It's good to know where you both stand and be sure to keep the other apprised if feelings change. Sometimes it takes a while to get on the same page with a shared goal.
Julie808
Level 8
Jan 29, 2019
0
It sounds like SHE needs to know a direction - for whatever reason. I've met other folks like this, that require some sort of road map in order to move forward.
If I were you, I'd push a bit more, to try and get her to identify what she means by a "goal" ?
Maybe she's feeling insecure, and simply needs some reassurance from you . Or she could be second guessing the whole relationship. Talk-talk-talk !
It's only been six months though - don't make the mistake of saying anything you don't mean.
evergreen
Level 8
Jan 29, 2019
2
@Bigandblue I find it curious, that you posted asking for some direction - which many offered. From your responses to individuals, including me, it sounds like the only one you need to be discussing all this with , is the woman in question. Good luck to you both.
Yes. There needs to be a plan. Short-term through long-term.
Shared goals.
Otherwise....it's all just random treading water...
SkotlandSkye
Level 8
Jan 29, 2019
0
Ask her where she sees herself in 5 years, 10 years. Does that future her include you and your son. Are there things that she would like to see happen in those times, marriage etc. Ask her about her dream, professionally, for a hobby perspective and relationship. See you are there with her or not.
AlexRam
Level 7
Jan 29, 2019
1
Like so many of her gender, she thinks that if you truly loved her, you could read her mind. A wild guess, she wants you to declare yourself (use the "L" word), propose or suggest marriage, engagement, take the lead, or what ever.
The choice is clear...either smother her with her pillow, or make some move that indicates you see her as your bride. The choice is yours.
dahermit
Level 7
Jan 29, 2019
1
yeah and men never do that. right. pfffft. so many of her gender indeed.
g
@Bigandblue Then she has a bug up her ass about something. I could very well be that she has second thoughts about you as being the guy for her. However, as per your post, she is reluctant to share what her problem/misgiving, etc. is with you. If it were me, I would have another "heart-to-heart" with her. I would tell her that it is evident that the relationship has hit a snag and her unwillingness to define the problem is causing you stress. I would also say, that if she cannot be honest about what the problem is, it casts doubt about the future of the relationship. The thing about "smothering her with her pillow", was meant as humor.
@Bigandblue If she cannot express what "her" plan is, them you are pretty much wasting your time. You might want to consider the fact that the relationship has run its course and she wants out, but does not know how or is reluctant to go about it.
If you have not done so, you may want to read Gail Sheehy's book, "Passages". It explains some of the phases that Sheehe thinks people (women) go through at key points (20's, 30's, 40's) in their lives. However, unless she opens up, you will just be guessing.
It is unfair that she is putting the burden on you to figure out what "her" problem is. I would ask her straight out, "Do you want out of the relationship?" And if not, "What is the problem?"
@Bigandblue Yeah, I forgot that you two are not married...smothering or downing in the bathtub is better suited for dealing with wives. 
@PalacinkyPDX Actually, not a hermit...married three times, this last time over twenty years. However, I am a recluse (as my Bio states, High Functioning Asperger's Syndrome person),as is my wife. I avoid people (except for my Amish neighbors), by choice. Your perception of me does not jibe with reality...My wife describes me as a very kind person as did the many girls/women who fawned over me in my youth...but I prefered to live alone and wanted them gone before morning. The thing about smothering and drowning is just a manifestation of an Asperger's humor odd as it may be.
@PalacinkyPDX i have not the experience of his posts that you have but the pillow thing wasn't funny, and i found his advice -- and his whole take on the situation -- kind of stereotypical. if i were @bigandblue i would take it with about a pound of salt.
g
@PalacinkyPDX "Do what you want, but don't expect others to put up with it." Then you should be aware that no one compels you to respond to my posts.
@PalacinkyPDX Thank you.
@dahermit what makes you think that my commenting on your comment obligates me to give advice? unlike you, i know when i have something useful to say, and about what. as for whether anyone gives a shit, they sometimes tell me they do. frankly, i don't care whether YOU give a shit how i find your advice, of whether you think i should give some of my own, or whether you engage with the stuffy side of a pillow. i don't even give a shit whether you read this, which you probably won't be able to do unless you're REALLY fast, because i, too,will be blocking you. i am writing this for the benefit of anyone who actually does give a shit what i have to say, not YOUR benefit. bye.
g
She wants to get engaged...or move in, orhave you tell her you love her, or whatever the "next step" would normally be from where you are
AnneWimsey
Level 9
Jan 29, 2019
1
/\ This /\
@Bigandblue 6 months can be short or it can be long, depending on your level of interaction. But asking what the next level is to herseems like a good move....women like to know where we are hheaded, and if you feel the same....maybe a non-engagement ring, or long-term engagement would reassure her?
Having a mission statement isn't a bad idea, actually. Both of you separately put down your list of life goals then come together and see how they do or don't combine. At the ages you are you should both have a pretty good idea of what you see for yourselves in terms of marriage, kids, what you want to do for retirement, and how important or unimportant things are to each of you.
GwenC
Level 7
Jan 29, 2019
1
Enjoy being online again!
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