I purchased a notebook , and wrote in it things that I came across that struck me as a good concept for my new life . A black , female teacher who was running for President of the US , at the time (Shirley Chisholm , I think ) , commented , "You can't really love anyone else , until you learn to love yourself ." That hit home . I chose to examine myself , set my goals , got rid of all the insecurities my mother-in-law had dumped on me . Her limits may have suited her , I chose to be a better person , and realized I had been all along . Did it lead to a better marriage ? No it did not . But then I don't need to be married . Did it lead to a better life ? Absolutely . I earned an education . I stopped holding myself back (after all , a woman shouldn't do anything to hurt her husband's ego .) I managed to improve life for my children , because I was no longer encountering constant problems from her . My work - promotions . Over time , I was able to make some sound investments , using skills I'd been taught in childhood , which I was not allowed to do , while married . While it didn't happen all at once I live in a nicer home , I've traveled in Europe . I've made friends outside of his family (only) . I don't have to live with any one else's conditions , I don't like . I don't have to get anyone's permission to do the things I want to do , nor do I have to do things I choose not to do .

I do sympathize. I'm divorced and 71, living alone and doing much like I did in younger life. I have a very cheap mortgage and do not want to move. (Maybe if the woman was super rich.lol) Friends tell me you have to take chances, etc, and to me it does not mean giving up what little I have to take that chance. If you took a chance and lost all you had it is doubtful you would ever get that back. What would you do then? My ex wanted more than we had and she now has a mortgage 3 times that of mine. She's also half my age and broke. She just can't figure out where my money comes from. Most of us have limited money and the secret of mine is in this writing. I might invite another woman into my life but I will not give up what little I have because of ignorance. Call me stubborn or whatever you like. I like to be in control of my life and not "gamble" it away in some chance of betterment. You make your own luck in life.

Great post, I happen to be in a similar place. I have done some of the things mentioned, all I can say for me is that it takes longer than I want it to. A friend told me it boils down to finding someone with the attributes you want and the issues you can deal with..... IF you can figure that out....
Still searching...best of luck.

Why do you feel like you have to figure out what you want theoretically before meeting or spending time with people? To me this sounds like trying to figure out what one's favourite meal is without ever having tried anything else but porridge.

Positive self-talk. Think about what you DO want.

I am also trying to figure out what I want. My reasons are a little different I haven't dated in a long time . I think I need to go out with a couple different people without the pressure of this working out you know just a date. What's the worst that could happen maybe I'll start making a list of what I don't want too. Lol. I'm learning a good bit by just reading posts like this one about how other people feel about things. Don't stay under a rock your too pretty to hide yourself from the world. Just try going out maybe join a bowling league or something like that you sure won't find a good man under a rock. Yesterday is done, life is in front of us. You have to get up dress up and show up. Don't let yesterday's disappointments keep you from what tomorrow can be.

I say why have a defined box? Maybe an absolutely open mind could clear a path for someone whom surpasses your wildest imaginations.

After a few years of trying various dating sites, I say just relax and let it happen.

Widower here. Lost her christmas of '13. Still not fully recovered. Still worried that I'll be a crotchety hermit before too long. Probably started to try and date too soon... still trying to find someone. Right now, I'd be happy with a dinner/movie companion, at least initially.

So, I started volunteering at a recycling place here and a gal and I are... checking each other out. It's been a very natural process so far, just gravitating together and enjoying our Saturdays at the site. There are some... issues... but we may be able to resolve those and, well, at worst I hope to have a friend that I can talk to.

The short of this is that it feels better than the hurky-jerky way the dating sites go about it, at least in my experience. I get to see her, experience her voice, her dialogue (how she chooses to speak). I get to gauge when I think she is hiding something from me (or if) and if she is being honest (or not) and I get to decide if I care about same. I also get to see her style, the way she carries herself, her confidence (or lack), and make decisions based on all of that. All of these things that you get to experience in person and just aren't there in text nor in a phone conversation.

Don't get me wrong, I have several friends who have had success with online dating, and I know of stories from as far back as the 30s or 40s of pen pals finally getting together, meeting and marrying. I KNOW it can work. It's just been difficult for me and I realize I may well be turning into too much of a cynic... with the dating site thing.

Oh, and that said, I like this site because it feels more like that natural gravitational attraction. We all just chat and get to know each other and... well, butt sniffing can go from there.

Know what you don't want is the best place to start from sis..

Ah, be careful not to gofor someone who is just the opposite of the last. I was driven insane by one partner, because he w a s s o sllll o w. When I met a fast gut next, I said: yei! Well, that didn't last long. never mind me here. if you like him have a good time.

Stay under a rock until you figure it out. there are vibrators and you want a partner but don't ever need one. better alone than with the wrong person.

I've been living separately from my ex for over 3 years, and officially divorced since October 2016. I'm still not sure exactly what I want, but I have a list of what I don't want, mostly based on things that were wrong in my marriage. Having a job is high on the list because my ex didn't work a lot of the time and I ended up having to pay him alimony for 5 years (that sucks, because the divorce wasn't my idea, although I am now glad to be out of that situation). I know I want an intelligent partner, one who isn't a drunk/druggie (my ex wasn't either, but I grew up in a house with an alcoholic grandfather and...no thanks), one who wants an equal partnership, either shares my view on religion or doesn't push his POV down my throat if he's a theist, and who doesn't view me as an object. Beyond that, I'm still working on determining what I want in a long-term partner. In the meantime, I'm just starting to "meet" someone online and I hope to make some friends first, then if we "click" maybe it could turn into something more. I'm taking it slow because I married young and it's been a long time since I've even had to consider these things.

My ex-wife left me a little bit over a year ago. I wasn't good for much for quite a while.

For me, the split was a massive blow to my ego, and I've only recently found the confidence to think that a woman might be attracted to me. If that's something like your problem, I'd suggest that you take the road back to dating slowly, but deliberately -- as in, don't use your pain and the wound your ego has taken as excuses to not put yourself out there.

The first several attempts will probably not go all that great. Don't have high expectations: meet for coffee or a drink, expect to thank your date for a lovely night and go home alone, unkissed. If it gets better than that, awesome!

As for not finding "what you don't want," that's important to know, too. Beware if you are overreacting to the things that made for emotional scars during your divorce -- your objective is to find a new mate, one who is compatible with you. Again, don't disregard "lessons learned," either -- you're looking for that sweet spot between the extremes of demanding that a new mate be the opposite of your ex and demanding that he be your ex all over again. It's a balancing act.

When I figure out how to sustain that balance, I'll let you know, I promise! We're all just doing the best we can.

I already know why my relationships failed..I lack female instincts and boundaries.

Instead of managing my male sig others, as women with strong female instincts do, I'd be "pals" with them, acting like typical males who let friends borrow and trash their cars, lend them money even when they blow it on beer, keep putting up with them. Men need this attitude to survive relationships with critical women and raise progeny, but women who have this male tendency are putting themselves at risk.

Abused women are typically these types, always giving second chances, believing, like males, that they should be faithful to the end, being enablers of dangerous male behavior.

I don't know the answer for this, other than avoiding having relationships beyond friendship, and dating women doesn't seem to be the answer either. When I tried a brief online courtship of a transwoman friend from high school, it wasn't long until she was planning my life for me, trying to boss me around, and my 40% female side rose up and dumped her.

But I'll see what happens. Maybe something will happen, in time.

Most of my failed were pretty long lived & we parted on good terms so I never got to feeling that looking would be a hassle - I had plenty of women friends to go out with - If you have single women friends its a good place to start as you have someone with you - to trust to watch your back and give you hankies if it all goes a bit pear shaped I think 'failed' is a big word and that there must have been quite a lot of success in between the let downs might be a good idea to sit down and wonder what worked in the failed ones and see if you can spot a pattern .

I sure have and im still stuck under that rock. I think time and luck are the answer....... im just 2 yrs out of a 40 yr relationship..... didn't see it coming so im not sure I'm the fool to ask.....

Do what feels right for you, there is no definite answer.

I've never been in your situation, but maybe it would be helpful to go on several dinner dates, just getting to know men and feel like you're relearning those specific dating/communication skills. Perhaps that would put you in a frame of mind where you're thinking about what traits are good for you, what might be nice in a long-term relationship, etc.?

I know how you feel. I am late 30s and a few years out of a very toxic marriage. I am open to a relationship with the right person if he comes along, but I know I am much better off alone than in a bad relationship.
I definitely have my list of “nots” and a pretty loosely defined list of requirements. There must be things that you want in a partner, even if they are just opposites of your “nots.” E.g. intelligence, kind, honest, sharing core values. Good luck and don’t rush anything!

I've never been married. But I have been hit hard in some relationships, one in particular and it's taken 5 years or so for the cascading effects of it to finally be wearing off. I messed up a lot of relationships trying to re-learn kind of what you're talking about.

What I've decided matters most in a partner is..
They must be crazy about me.
They must be attractive.
They must be faithful.
They must have atleast 1 or 2 things in common with me.

Beyond that nothing else is really important. It just takes time though, the voids WILL fill themselves no matter what you do, I promise.