My dad was completely lax. My mom was the General in the house. lol.
She was relatively strict with me... but by the time my younger brothers were born, she got worn down and much less stringent.
How about your parents? Were they strict? Or, were they relaxed? Something in-between?
My mother's second husband (not my father), was an abusive bastard, who believed in over-the-top, often violent, punishment. His response to my 15-year-old self, saying I wished we'd had a dishwasher because I hated washing dishes, was to throw me against a wall and try to strangle me. She was a victim of his violence as well. She was also damaged from her own upbringing, and violent in her own way.
I learned at a young age that not all people are meant to be parents. Nor should they be.
@SACatWalker It's all good, but thank you. I might have made a decent parent, but it wasn't in the cards.
Neither of my parents should have been parents. My mother never forgave my father for not standing up to the grandmothers and insisting they allow her to give me up for adoption. She made it clear that she never wanted me, and there was no way I should ever have been born Other members of the family confirmed that the doctor had said she went through menopause 7 years before I was born, and every time she went to the doctor because she thought she was pregnant, he kept telling her I was just gas - and she was quite overweight and losing weight throughout her pregnancy, so I wasn't very detectable until 2 months before I was supposed to be born and one month before I was actually born. The doctor said it was unlikely that I would be born alive, and even if I did live, I would probably be retarded. That seemed to give her comfort because everyone would feel sorry for her. Strike one - I was born alive, healthy, and although she was able to convince teachers that I was at least a little retarded until I took my first standardized test in the third grade - where most of my scores were in the 99th percentile - so they had my IQ tested, and not only was I not retarded, I was a genius. The only thing that would console her was that she would finally have the little boy she always wanted. Strike two. Finally, she decided that if she had to have a girl, she wanted one like my cousin, who was a tomboy (and later admitted to being a lesbian). Strike three. I was was born alive, healthy, intelligent, and a straight female. I was the biggest disappointment in her life, and she made that clear to me, frequently.
My father, on the other hand, said he didn't really care if I was born or not. He understood that when you get married, children happen. I was actually relieved to hear that. He did admit afterthat though that I did kind of ruin his marriage by being born.
@ElizabethI It's amazing the damage parents can do. My mother mentioned more than once that if abortion had been legal at the time, neither I, nor my sister, would have been born. I think, perhaps if had had the option, she actually might have had a better life. Then again, probably not. Her nature was to be miserable and have a martyr complex. Congratulations to both you and I for surviving, and thriving, despite having parents who shouldn't have been parents.
@KKGator My mother would have had a better life without me, and would have lived longer too. She also had quite a martyr complex, but my father was too shocked by the divorce from his first wife, and so unable to be alone, that he put up with quite basically anything from her - including her constant claims to others that he was abusing her, even though he never hit her, never yelled at her, and never restricted her freedoms in any way (though he would submissively complain when she would absolutely waste money on phone calls (there were such things as toll calls in those days, they could be very expensive to another state, and he didn't see the need for more than "Hi, we're on our way" before we drove up to visit her mother - and would get very frustrated that she would spend 3 or 4 ours on the phone with her right before we drove up for the rest of the day - where they would repeat everything they just said on the phone). If she had been yelling at him all day, or for hours a day for multiple days in a row, sometimes he would sound angry and slightly raise his voice when he said "I've had enough. I'm going out for a few hours." I almost always went with him, he'd get a 6-pack of beer and drink it on his boat, and then we would go home.
He said that their marriage was great until she found out that I existed, they both said she never forgave him for getting her pregnant, and she also said she never forgave him for not standing up to the grandmothers and letting her give me up for adoption.
We all would have been better off if I hadn't been there. Adoption would have put a strain on their relationships with their parents (though I would have been so incredibly better off, although I never would have known it), but had I never been born, it would have been much better for all 3 of us.
Congratulations to you for surviving and thriving. I've survived and done pretty well considering the circumstances - but I'm still making progress towards the thriving part. I'll take wishes of good luck though
My siblings and I lived almost like those 13 kids that they recently found tied up and emaciated. We got picked on at school, because of our weirdness. Then we'd come back home to the continuing nightmare. My parents had no affection, no bond, no communication with me. I have no idea what it's like to have actual parents. They're dead now, but I wish they had lived long enough to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
So sorry you went through all this..
Hey man, sorry to hear it, and yeah same. Got picked on at school for many reasons including the fact that my father obviously beat the crap outta me. Not permitted to go anywhere except school, not even school excursions in the earlier years. My old man is dead, I often wish I could go back in time at my current size and give him a good smack in the mouth, multiple times a day. My mother freaks at the mere thought of me talking to anybody she knows because i will tell things as they were, not the fairy tale she spins.
@Galihad_Z You did an amazing job with what you had.I admire you.
@ElizabethI Thank you
I had the 'no' mom...she said yes so rarely it would surprise me when she did...and generally only when she was distracted by other people...my dad was a lazy bones...literally...he died 3 months before I was born, so he was chill....see what I did there?...hehe
@silvereyes they need a 'ha!' button.
Very strict mother. So strict I never invited anyone to play at my home because I never knew what might set her off. As a result I became very independent and self suffient. While growing up I repaired my own clothes on the sewing machine,ironed my own clothes and of course washed them. All this was very helpful in the Marines where it seemed no one could do anything. I made more money per month helping these guys out than I got in pay. It made for a very nice engagement ring for my wife.
They were strict about boundaries, and the boundaries were fairly wide. I had great latitude to try pretty much anything I wanted to do. Early on they had let me figure out that crossing the boundaries was usually humiliating and uncomfortable. I got wet, got cold, hurt myself, lost friends, lost a treasured item, or was laughed at. So I chose not to drink or do drugs, not to embarrass others, destroy property, or incite trouble. I still live with those boundaries.,
My Mother was controlling and abusive and I have forgiven her as I can not live with bitterness that eats away at you..I wish my Father was a stronger person but he wasn't he also was controlled by her. I bought my kids up differently I learnt early on that what my Mother did was very wrong, I feel proud that I did not turn out the same way.
I think my parents started out being strict but, as each successive child becoming a teenager they seemed to become more lax. At the time I thought the 6 of us just wore them down but, as I got older I realized that what was really happening is that they trusted us and themselves for raising us to be decent people.
My father was a WWII veteran who seemed to think his family could be a disciplined military squad. My mother was in denial as to how bad it was, she didn't invite a social worker to our house who wanted to see first hand the family dynamics. She had to admit after her husband's death (yes, I'm in denial about him being my father) that is was a relief that he had passed away.
Mine were strict but not militantly so. My father was the one with an iron fist and discipline that I see now as abusive.
As a parent, myself, I see how those boundaries made a difference in my life and I am glad that my parents cared enough to enforce them.
My Mom wasn't very strict with me. Looking back I guess I could have used more structure as a kid because then I wouldn't be having to work on it as an adult. I wasted my freedom which kind of sucks but at least I've been learning a lot about having freedom in the past few years
My mother was really strict in ways that were just stupid, I didn't get kids books. We could only have "literature" at home. She was very strict about the toys we could have. Basically if it was the huge popular toy I didn't get it. She was very restrictive about what I could wear and how old I had to be before I could wear make up. And while you might think some of this would be a good thing, the lack of common toys and the odd dress made me a target. I never could get her to understand that you don't have to be one of the popular kids but at least fitting in makes school a ton easier.
my father was the choleric, abusive chieftain of the family, with my mother the subservient & prudish mouse. sorry if it sounds harsh, but you asked.
@silvereyes, i realise that i did - light years apart, as a matter of fact. off into the universe of love
My dad was a 20 year Navy man and the disciplinarian and there were a few times that I was spanked in such a fashion that today would probably be considered child abuse but it taught me to have a healthy respect for authority and a bit of a non-violent streak in me so generally, I turned out okay.
But as a growing teen, I was given a lot of autonomy to go wondering about as long as I was home for dinner. It was suburbia in the early 70s and there was plenty to explore.
Too relax and drunk. I did learn self reliance and how to think creatively. Then came back and retrained them to be better people
They were better parents the second half of my life.
Well, not quite sure. I mean, they always forced me to go to church, and while they not quite forced me to make my first communion and confirmation, they gave me social pressure to do so. They always talked about "respect" whenever I defied their authority, so in the end, maybe they were either strict, or power obsessed, don't know, really
My parents didn't let me get away with just anything, but they were fairly relaxed and loving. In high scool, I had to go to bed around 11:00 p.m., but they didn't have any weird rules or requirements for my behavior. They set some boundaries, but still gave me a fair amount of freedom. But I was well-behaved to the point of being too good, I guess, so they never had to punish me. I was always afraid of getting in trouble and very reserved.
@silvereyes Yes, they were good. My brother and I were lucky to have them.
My father would scrutinize every motion I made at the table to make sure I kept abiding by each of his long list of table manners, and there was severe punishment for any infraction - even if I couldn't help it. I can't possibly guess how many times I got my elbow thumped when I'd grown just tall enough that my elbow would accidentally brush or bump on the armrest of the dining room chair.I had to put up with that most of the time I was growing up, until one night as a teenager, my mother distracted me from what I was doing by grilling me about something, that I accidentally took three bites of vegetables in a row (the rule was only one or two bites of each type of food before moving on to the next, and measure the bites in such a way that even with the last bites on my plate, everything would be finishedd at about the same time, so that only one or two bites of each kind of food remained at the last round around the plate - and no, I didn't get to serve myself, so I had to work with whatever portions were provided). My punishment for 3 bites in a row was that he stuck his fingernail into the back of my throat until I was counging up blood. At least my mother said I didn't have to eat with him anymore after that.
There were innumerable rules, and often I would only find out about them when I broke one. She wasn't an angel either, and once broke my right ankle for calling her "ma'am." She said it made her sound old. My father was always "sir" and when we moved to the south, I heard the word ma'am a lot, and understood it as a term of respect, and had never been told differently, so the next time I felt the need to show extra deference to her, I said "Yes ma'am." I didn't find out that my ankle was actually broken though until I was 18 and the bone chip shifted after a jump, causing me to not be able to walk on it awhile. They did an x-ray, told me that it had been broken years before, and that it should have been operated on back then, but at that point other bones had grown around it, so it was too late to operate, and eventually I'd have problems with my knee, hip, and back because of it. They also firmly told me that they were sure that I didn't remember how it happened. I did remember the incident, and remembered that for two weeks after, my father gave me spankings for limping in front of my mother because it made her feel guilty. I told the doctor that actually I did remember, and he slightly angrily and insistently said "No, you don't."
I had to make sure that the Venetian blinds were at a 15 degree angle during the day. I could not visit a friend on any night or evening before school the next day. If there wasn't school the next day, I could visit the friend if there was going to be a parent there (even when I was a teenager), my mother had met the friend and at least one of the friend's parents, and there was sufficient notice before the visit. How long "sufficient" was varied, sometimes hardly any time as a little kid so long as my parents didn't have to drive me anywhere, but as I got older, it would usually be at least a week, though one birthday party the entire class was going to and talking aboout, I was not allowed to attend because my mother said there had to be over 2 week's notice, and the invitations didn't get sent out that soon. When putting away the utensils in the dishwasher, there were specific sections of the utensil tray that each type of silverware had to go in. I forget now which way it went, but one day my father decided either that the butter knives went in the upper left hand corner rather than the upper right, or if it was the other way around, but I found out about it around 5 a.m. when I was being dragged out of bed by the scruff of my neck, dragged across the house, and shown with my face inches above the tray where the knives were supposed to go. I could go on, but you get the idea.
Oh, and my 4 half-siblings, none of whom I ever lived with, were raised by people other than my parents - and those who raised them only mentioned the good stuff - my father's first wife did that so he wouldn't beat the kids, and my mother's mother did that because she was trying to convince my mother to take back her daughter, or at least visit every now and then - so I was raised the fifth child after 4 "perfect" older siblings. They were really disgusted with how many mistakes I made, and furious over any "insubordination."
@silvereyes Thanks. I see from the other comments that I am far from alone in that on here. I hope that by mutual sharing, fewer of us feel alone.
That is both terrible and bizarre. Many of these stories about abusive parents just floor me. I didn't realize before that stuff like this is as common as it is.
Dad was completely passive, almost never having anything to do with disciplining us. Mom was THE law in the household. She was semi strict at best. We had an insane amount of freedom, but such was typical of most house holds back in the 1970s.
The neat thing was that we were a VERY conversant family. We talked through everything and anything. We keep the communication channels wide open to this day. My children and I do likewise.
My mother would burn my thumb on the stove to try to get me to stop sucking my thumb. So, yeah.
My mom didn't have time to discipline me. She was a single parent putting herself through college & then working full time. When I was very young our neighbor would watch me & a bunch of other neighborhood kids. We'd just run up & down the block all day. We moved during the summer between 2nd & 3rd grade & I can't remember having a babysitter after that. From 3rd grade on I'd walk home from school, let myself in, eat something, ride my bike around the neighborhood or play in the woods. Then when I got older I'd have friends over & we'd smoke pot in the garage.
I did get in a lot of trouble during my late teens/early 20s. But I think that was inevitable for me no matter how my mom disciplined me.
My life was micro-managed, and as soon as I had some freedom, I was a bit less restrained in various areas than others for awhile.