I've been thinking about sexual desire because I am meeting a new man today.
At age 15, a married man - a family friend- was deeply attracted to me. At gatherings, he pulled me into the shadows to kiss and fondle, groaning about wanting sex with me.
It was confusing. I trusted him. Also felt attracted to him. To my relief, he made the decision for me. Feeling guilty that I was a virgin, he suddenly pulled back.
Desire enters a young girl's life as a sudden force from the outside world, from men and boys, a confusing, overwhelming, and sometimes frightening bombardment that makes it difficult to find the mental space to figure out our own hungers.
At the same time, the belief that a “good” woman should be without appetite, that women’s desires are unseemly or even ugly, has been tenacious, especially among women themselves.
At 16-1/2, I began having sex with my first boyfriend Dave for the first time, a relationship that lasted six years. To my delight, my heightened senses and intensity made sex deeply pleasurable.
With a high sex drive, my body is flooded with oxytocin when I orgasm. It's the same hormone that bonded me with my baby while breastfeeding. Oxytocin has been called the love hormone and the bonding hormone. It’s a dopey, wishful feeling. Darn it!
Questions persist: Will he respect me in the morning? Do I care?
Your thoughts?
Photos: Age 15, ready for a prom with the first boy I was allowed to date. Darryl, 18, asked me to marry him that evening. I was horrified. "I'm going to college," I replied and immediately dumped him.
Rome, Italy during a European art tour with my family. I'm 2nd from the left, age 15.
A man pinched my butt as I ran alone down the steps of St. Peter's Basilica. I felt offended and scared. I had spent too long transfixed by Michaelangelo's Pieta. My family left without me.
Good thing my parents insisted we memorize the name of each hotel! And made us change money into the country's currency. I took a taxi to our hotel and paid with lira.
As I was responding to this post with some anecdotes of past sexual desire I realized that part of my life may have passed. Not from lack of desire, but lack of opportunities. But more than the act of sexual intercourse I miss the gentle touches. The back of a woman's hand softly going down the side of my face. Taking my hand or arm as we walk. Wrapping her her arms around my shoulders and laughing loudly.
A several years back I met someone. We later met in downtown Ft. Worth for dinner. The rest of the evening we walked and talked while holding hands and gentle little kisses. We stopped at several places for beer or wine. We came separately and left the same way. We later had sex. It was great, but my favorite memory of those two events is the walk around town.
That’s incredibly sweet. I really like it when a man can appreciate those kinds of touches. I certainly do
My history with sex has left me wondering if I will ever have a fulfilling sexual relationship in my life. At this point, I don't know if the scars are permanent or not. Much of the problem stems from the religious upbringing I had. Those ideas led me into a marriage that I now term a 10 year rape. The whole mentality in the marriage was rape-like and I had no choice about sex in the relationship. I've come to terms with it as much as possible and am happy with my newfound relationship with vibrators so I'm living life as fully as possible right now but I would love to someday know what it is like to have sex with someone who really respects and loves me.
Plenty of bad decisions made due to sexual desires.
I tend not to trust anyone who claims they haven't.
I don't think they're being honest with themselves, or anyone else.
Sex makes people do stupid/crazy things.
That said, I think it's wrong to ask anyone what their "number" is.
No regrets though.
I had a boatload of fun.
My sex drive has always been high but I confuse lust with love often and I’m left feeling empty. Haven’t met my match in terms of great sex with great emotional compatibility, it’s always one or the other.
That’s what I’m afraid of, I’ll have to choose between having emotional or sexual needs met but not both
@Marcie1974 I think that’s a struggle for a lot of women, for me both are equally important but hard to find
@sandrarocks83 both are equally important to me as well. I have a strong need for touch, platonic or other. My skin craves it and I need it for my mental health. I so so miss when my kids were younger and always on my lap or holding my hand. Now that they’re older and I live alone it can get really tough for me
With a high sex drive, my body is flooded with oxytocin when I orgasm. It's the same hormone that bonded me with my baby while breastfeeding.
Oxytocin has been called the love hormone and the bonding hormone. It’s a dopey, wishful feeling. Darn it!
Absolutely. I had an average sex drive until my late 30’s, then it went into overdrive. My ex lost interest in sex not long after our second child was born...about 5 or 6 years into the marriage. I finally divorced him after 20 years of marriage. I’m still working on getting over the feeling there was something wrong with me and that’s why he wasn’t interested in sex. To be honest, I think he’s just asexual. People’s sex drives can change over time, if you and your partner aren’t in sync, it can be very emotionally painful.
As a single woman in her mid-40s with a high sex drive, I’m finding dating difficult. Maybe it’s difficult regardless. If I like a guy and we click, I’d sleep with him. I’ve come to discover I’m not looked at as dating material after that, just someone for sex. So now I’m trying to keep my libido in check when I date, although I haven’t had many dates in the last 6 months.
I don’t know, it kind of makes me sad that it’s 2019 and women still aren’t supposed to be sexual creatures.
I didn’t experience sexual desire until I got to college. I did have two mad crushes as a teen, one that lasted through middle school and one that lasted through high school – both unrequited – where the most I would have wanted was to maybe have long deep conversations and hug each other. I felt sex was gross, and at the same time I felt what the heck was wrong with me, especially as I saw everyone else my age seeming to have no problem with it – it lead to my being very judgmental about anyone who was sexually active.
That changed in college, and it came on very strong, and was a big surprise to me when it did. It lead to some very unhealthy obsessions, messed-up boundaries, and painful relationships. I had other problems, too, and though I managed to make it through school and graduate, I pretty much I shut down afterwards. Sexual desire was the last thing on my mind, and even the sight of two people holding hands would freak me out. I even had a hard enough time with friendships and I became a serious social recluse for quite a while.
Turning my life around was a slow and gradual process, but with work I was eventually able to come out of that. Got more comfortable socially and more comfortable being interactive in general, and also did start dating again, but didn’t have a strong sexual desire. Until a few years ago – and again it hit me like gangbusters, but this time I was prepared for it, enjoyed it, and it lead to some nice experiences. The desire is still there and still just as strong, but I need to take a time-out from dating to take care of my health and financial situation; they pull too much focus right now and effect my energy and confidence. Haven’t cut off the possibility – if I met someone and it worked out, that would be great; I’m just not actively looking… But I’m more and more intrigued and fascinated by these feelings all the time, and just trying to take that in – feeling desirable is just a great feeling in and of itself.
@Deiter I don’t think I’m so unusual – I used to, but I also don’t think I’m so alone about this anymore. I consider myself a cross between a demisexual (sexually attracted to someone based on a strong emotional connection) and a sapiosexual (sexually attracted to intelligence) – I go for the mind and heart before the body. I don’t have to have a close relationship with someone before I can feel sexual attraction towards them, but I do have to have a feeling of connection – and I may need to have certain things in place and extra care taken first, but I will say this: once those things are in place, I won’t hold back.
I think about this a lot these days. How do I want to live out the rest of my life? How sexually promiscuous do I want to be? Do I want steady and boring or do I want fun and insecure? Life is short. I want to enjoy whats left. Sometimes enjoyment comes with risk. Is the fun in moment worth possibly getting hurt later? Falling in love feels so good. Is it worth the heartache if it doesn't work out? Is falling for someone inappropriate something that you should let happen or run from? I think that I find it more fun when there is risk. Is that messed up? Yet, feeling taken advantage of is not great. It can take a long time to lose that attachment that sexual intimacy builds. Those are the kinds of thoughts that go through my mind these days. I know that some of my most enjoyable moments are out dancing with many men vying for my attention on the dance floor. Do I just need this ego boosting experience to recover from my marriage? At my age I should know more answers, but at least I know the questions.
Sexual desire does seem to increase for some as they age, and the oxytocin is indeed powerful.
I enjoy all aspects of the intimacy - I use that term instead of sex because the touch is wonderful in every way. It’s not all about penetration or orgasm, although those are wonderful. I’m wanting a long term relationship that has all aspects of intimacy, physical, emotional, intellectual.
“Desire enters a young girl's life as a sudden force from the outside world, from men and boys, a confusing, overwhelming, and sometimes frightening bombardment that makes it difficult to find the mental space to figure out our own hungers.”
No. Not for me. I had desires before anyone expressed them toward me.
I wonder how much your parents told you about sex? Most dont' and we are left floundering in the dark. Learning it from our friends, books or places where we should not. No wonder we don't know what to do, how to react when something happens.
Even though my mother was a registered nurse, she said nothing.
At 17, I learned about birth control at the Univ. of Michigan. Fainted - for the first and only time in my life- upon hearing about IUDs. Hit the floor in a birth control workshop offered by Student Health Services.
@LiterateHiker Yeah, must have been an awful shock to you. My mother never told me anything either and to this day I am so angry about it. She didn't even tell me about periods and I was so embarrassed when my started. Actually I am angry with her for some other things too but can understand that she was just a product of her environment. Luckily I was brought up in Sweden and we had terrific sex education lessons at school. The teacher who tough it was brilliant. It wasn't only about the sex but feelings too.
I don't understand . U were 15 when a married family friend man was allover u physically ?
Has he been hung by now ? Bcz if u were my daughter , I can tell u that much , the priest will had not find his body to do the funeral . Wow .
And how old was Daryl when he asked u to marry him ? I don't get it . U were 15 or 16 , how old was he ?
I am confused . Was this type of thing acceptable back then ?
No shit
@Pralina
Darryl was 18; I was 15. I only kissed him. Darryl was the first boy I was allowed to date. My cousin introduced us. He took me to his senior prom.
After the prom, he drove me home. Darryl stopped in the driveway and proposed. I promptly dumped him. Later he stalked me.
How women are indoctrinated from birth, strictly as a control means, with the constant bombardment that sex is "nasty", "dirty", "filthy", "slutty", "guttery", "dangerous", "unhealthy" has to lead to many women having such a distorted view of sex and it's necessary and essential place in the human condition is appalling to say the least. A good and proper sex education is essential for both males and females to function properly in any and all societies.
The penis and vagina were created by nature and evolved to have a purpose and to be used, both for input activity and output activity.
I agree. There is only one purpose for sex in the religious world and that is to procreate. Recreational sex, even between a married couple, is seen as a sin and immoral according to their personal interpretation of the spellbinding "word" conjured by ancient ignorant men that didn't know where the sun went at night. This is why the religious block birth control "AND" abortion - they don't want women having sex for any reason other than to get pregnant so they can carry a man's seed to term even if it is rape or incest. Has anyone heard the religious call out "Oh God" during sex? Oddly enough the religious seem to be closer to their god during recreational sex than at church and yet they are still absolutely against causal sex. And it is plum crazy to see a porn star performing porn while wearing a cross or with a cross tattoo showing lol. What an oxymoron! Christians don't know what the fuck they are doing or why - they just follow the interpretations of leaders that follow the static words of ancient dictators who wrote the book on dictating and spellbinding the public at large and how to start brainwashing new followers from birth.
I married young,22, my wife was 19. Divorce 3 years later. I was devastated, had no idea how to attract women, especially with my son in tow. At a party I met Peg, 12 years older. She knew exactly what I needed and it was exactly what SHE needed. I learned more in the next three years than most men learn their entire life. We are still friends, I talk to her on Facebook. So yes, a woman's sexuality can change lives, it sure did mine.
I still have NO idea how to attract women. I'm doubting whether it's something that can be learned.
@BitFlipper Try chocolate. Worked on me anyway!
@BitFlipper My brother (quite wealthy at the time) would lick his Gold Card Visa, stick it to his forehead , and yell; "any of you girls need rent money?". Sad to say it was alarmingly successful.
@BitFlipper act like you don't care.
@clarkatticus I'm not looking to rent one. I'd like to be noticed for me, not for the bait. I'm tired of being invisible.
@BitFlipper more of a humorous story than a suggestion. My brother was successful with women on a scale Charlie Sheen would be surprised at. Me, not nearly as much but I get by. At some point in my life other things became more important, that's when I became more attractive to women for some reason. I don't try to understand.
@daylily you are not "all" women. Remember, 53% of white American female voters voted for Trump. Seems to be a trend. The percentage is much higher here in Missouri. Your disdain is noted and I won't defend my brothers tactic other than to say they were highly suçcessful.
@daylily agreed
Sexual desire alters everyone's lives. It drives us to do things we normally wouldn't in order to satisfy those desires. It also affects everyone differently depending upon the sociological views of family and peers - sometimes positive, sometimes negative, blah blah blah.
Enjoy the 1st date today.
Does sexual desire alter our lives?
I became flooded with sexual desire the year I turned 50. I went from feeling asexual to needing lots of sex. My marriage ended as a result.
I hope you are happier now
Thank you for your insightful reply. That's understandable.
In my 50s, I went through a slutty period. Men were delighted. Personally, I found it emotionally unrewarding.
@LiterateHiker I went through a slutty period as well. Too many men just didn’t give a crap if I was satisfied. Definitely emotionally unrewarding
@Marcie1974 Sexual Desires are a natural part of our lives.
@PatrickKerr yes, I agree. Did you think I thought otherwise?
@Marcie1974 There are days where I struggle and doubt myself and days where I'm thriving. I'm much more opinionated, much more confident, much more independent. Yes, I'm happier.
It's very encouraging to hear that some women still have sexual desire. It's not something I'm able to see. Thank you all for sharing.
What happened to the guy with the plane?
I dumped him. All he wanted me for was sex.
What "thoughts" would you like?
I'd search for your own personal ideal. As a very sexual woman, is one man enough? Are you exploring alternative lifestyles? Swinging? Polyamorous?
Sounds like it, Otherwise your goal would be a monogamous LTR with one man. Any interest in other women?
You're a very attractive woman. As such, It seems it's up to you to decide what you want; experiment, explore, take charge.
Thanks. My first sensual, under-the-covers experience was with a girlfriend at 14. Had an impromptu three-way (two women/one man) in my 20s.
A year ago, I set up a three-way for a man. He chickened out. His Catholic upbringing reared its ugly head. His loss.
Yes, I am hoping for a loving, long-term relationship.
@LiterateHiker Well, I'm available!
I'm not interested in a relationship with a teddy bear in Florida.
@LiterateHiker Hahaha.
Prime driving force in many males especially teenagers when blood is mostly hormones strong drive to reproduce. A woman who has a strong drive or not as sexually supressed is highly desirable and can make for a very happy life . So yes it can alter life for good or bad
You can be a good woman and still have appetites.