Unmatched libidos is a potential deal breaker for many marriages. There are few things more displeasing (dare I say, deflating) than to hear one’s spouse say, “Again?” or “Now?” or “Well, okay, if that’s what you want to do.” As a male, I would much prefer no sex than obligation. Great sex is all about tension and release—the build up, which is as much psycho-emotional as it is physical—and it requires being more into your partner and the moment than you are into yourself. We knew this, at one point, but what might have changed?

Today we seem to schedule everything. We even try to get pregnant. We sometimes forget the chemistry that brought us together, and we sure as hell are often guilty of not being creative enough to continue the romance that was so prevalent during courtship. Taking anyone for granted—particularly one’s spouse—is a certain turn off. Through our inattentiveness and self-absorption we fail to fan the flames, and the embers grow cold. It may be that the one with whom we share a bed is only waiting for our undistracted focus, empathy and attention.

It is not untrue, probably not the whole story either.
My ex and I shared a house for a few years after we split, we stopped having sex a year or mroe before the split. I say we didn't have sex, reality was about once a year after the split until I moved out. Sex was never good but you know ..... She was not chasing sex, but it would have happened more if I had have been interested. I did not like her, so wasn't interested.

10 years later I met an absolutely stunning looking lady, my best ever bedroom partner. And she told me her 1st husband was totally uninterested, she would stand naked in front of the television to get his attention, and he would tell her to get out of the way. They were in their late 20s at the time. He and I became friends at some point, and her story was true.

Nothing is simple though, my argument (in jest) is not that men lose the ability, just that their partners become less desirable with age. The best sex happens in the mind, the body just tags along for the ride.

One of my best friends is in a sexless marriage. It's rough road to hoe.

My last sexcapade was about 2 months ago. One little thing happened and I started to think! That was my down fall. When your a woman not interested you can fake it when your a guy, you can fake an orgasm, but you can’t fake lamp dick! One of the most embarrassing moments in my life!

I just couldnt but heres a laugh for you.

Ok, I have read it now and there is so much truth here. My experience was with mismatched libidos in a marriage but a deep love such that we were able to work together and enjoy each other most of the time. I would've liked a bit higher frequency, she was getting a bit more than she needed (that is my read of it, based on many conversations and observation of, us).

Since losing my wife, I have had three full on attempts at a relationship with gals whose libidos rivaled mine. I was unable to keep up. Now, there are a LOT of factors here and I am not sure I am able to figure out what truly was the key issue: Grief, health, age and possibly desire.

My life has been one in which I've always felt that I had too strong a libido and have never been very happy in that I feel I am being too pushy with my partners, wanting sex more than they. However, in all of my previous relationships (not that I've had a great many, for the record, I think I am well within average statistics at about 10 relationships in 45 years of being 'on the market'... certainly not a LOT of excapades but I bet I am, at worst, low average) that spark, that desire, was keen for me. With these last three... it never got the chance to develop. I was seduced, and at least one of them was like an old couple undressing climbing into bed, going at it and then to sleep... and she had a great time (there were some physically nice coincidences for her with my build) but I... well, where was the necking and the heavy petting? The exploration of each other? Learning what each ot her likes? It simply wasn't there and I think that is what was missing. We went so fast that we skipped right past the romance part and snuffed any possible spark out for throwing on too much fuel.

I think that is part of what she is talking to when she talks about building in romance to your relationship and I think it is true at all levels and times of a relationship. Does this mean I think you have to have date night every night, complete with dinner, wine and candles. Massage, foot rubs, etc? No... but, we need to be able to slow down, relax and let things build up, and we need to be able to fan that spark into a tiny ember, and gently feed it to a small flame, then start working on more fuel to get into that roaring fire of wild sex. Rather than expecting two people of the appropriate gender combination and wham! There it is! Nothing more needed.

Just my 2c worth.

I received a "You have reached your limit of free articles.".

Interesting, but generally I'm the one not wanting to have sex, and my partner gets frustrated and leaves. It does give me hope that eventually I'll find a partner who doesn't want sex 3-4 times a DAY let alone a month.

Liked the article, good information. Thanks!

Sex is vital.

Marriage has many differnt purposes tho our culture doesn't recognise such. Marriage is for love only via our pop music, rom coms, & romantic dramas. It is dictated by hormones. As I have rejected most elements of our culture early on in my life I find a sexless marriage ideal. I have no interest in spawning. My portfolio is stable & productive. The marriage is open in that a liason to my or his liking is open to pursue. We get tax benefits for filing jointly. I get the security of having a male around to fend off unwanted attention. He gets the security of my parenting him. There is little better than solo sex. I know what & when it pleases me. It is always available. It is safe. The committment is to myself. It is uncomplicated. Self preservation is not selfish. We both are content with the arrangement. Different strokes. Literally. =0}

This happened in my last relationship. First time. On my side, I am all about getting to the orgasm, not the actual orgasm. That's the end. Who wants that? And while my ex claimed to be a nymphomaniac (in the true sense of the word, which is very unhealthy) she was an orgasm addict. Get there quick. And if I didn't get there quick, she would cry. Actually cry. This killed my libido. Never seen that before. And it made discussion difficult because of tears. I am a big communicator, but if I can't talk without causing a break down, I will just shut up. Which causes stress, so sex became 'make myself hurry up and orgasm'...which doesn't work for me, at all. And then I began having to make choices about responsibilities. I take care of my mom. She has partial dementia, so there are a lot of responsibilities and time that I have to put in, and for my exes credit, my mother's dementia didn't set in til about 3 weeks after we started dating. So she didn't sign up for that. And a dozen other stresses, which just resulted in me choosing to masturbate than have sex. Another first. So no libido issue. An odd thing that I noticed too: sex became serious at an early stage. No laughter, not playful, but 'let's do this' 'let's do that'...no impulsiveness. Ugh. A lot more to that story, but there you go...haha...you're welcome...hehe

Before I read.

A friend read a book a while back and relayed some of the interesting twists in it. The one that comes to mind is that in Puritan society, back in the 1600s, a marriage had to be consuamated. There were histories of marriages of a man and a woman that sounded like he was looking for a replacement for his mom and she a son. They weren't interested in each other physically. However, they were quite happy together. Their society eventually figured out what was going on and annuled hte marriage.

Why is this odd? The term "puritan" seems like one that calls to an extremely regimented society when it comes to sex. It was in ways, and it was quite, ahem, fun in others. Seems the Puritans were getting down and getting nasty a lot, just in a safe, monogamous and righteous way (though, there were a lot of perversions, even by their standards, going on).

Been there before bust up.... then she portrayed as asshole when cheated

I reckon that denying a human being with a healthy sex drive an outlet for that sex drive amounts to 'cruel and unusual punishment.' It isn't acceptable to expect someone with a low libido to meet the needs of someone with a stronger one, but equally, it isn't reasonable for the person with the strong libido to have to do without because their partner is disinterested. This is where I believe that open (sexually promiscuous, emotionally monogamous) relationships should come into play. Give the partner with the higher sex drive the opportunity to scratch their itch elsewhere if then need to. Obviously this goes against religion's mantra of "Repress. Conform. Marry. Breed." But it's a practical solution for a common problem.

I think reasonable expectations need to be established, too. A partner demanding sex more than 2-3 times a week or one allowing it less than twice a month (assuming that you're cohabiting) has unreasonable expectations of their partner. Of course if their partner has a similar drive (or lack thereof) then happy days, but if they don't, then what's reasonable and normal frequency-wise needs to be considered.

I spent well over a decade in a sexless marriage, by the 'less than 10 times a year' yardstick. My ex typically allowed it to happen (and indeed demanded it when she wanted it) 3 or 4 times a year. You should feel happy after sex. I used to be hit by a wave of depression, because I knew my sex life would be masturbating in the shower for the next 90 to 120 days.

Brilliant and very true. some people actually marry each other happily knowing they won't be having sex and it works out just fine. once you stop comunicating you stop doing anything but the essential things like a robot. presumption is the mother of all fuck ups. I have a high sex drive but I also have hands and I obviously don't need a woman in my life. is sex what we really want mostly from a relationship? being a couple is always going to be a compremise.

Being married for 44 years requires a healthy sexual relationship. For most of our married life sex was on average three encounters per week.

With misandrism on rooftops, it's be to be with no libido at all.

never got to read the article. stated i had reached my limit. I HAVENT EVEN BEEN THERE BEFORE!! I think ts a scam. lets make you payto read oneof two articles a year.

I can technology.

[mobile.nytimes.com]

I can’t make the link work.