This happens too often for you not to address it. I suggest that before you agree to meet the man you come right out and ask him if his photos are recent and reflect his appearance as it is NOW. If he says yes, tell him to send you a quick selfie holding a frying pan and send it to you in the next five mins.

If he refuses or fails to do it, no date. The frying pan guarantees the pic is new and authentic.

This might sound silly but I'm being serious about it.

Women also lie online and are, in many cases, in the same denial as many men are, so I would say that no gender is free of charge.

I hear you, Kathleen, but most of us are really a legend in our own minds. This goes for male and female. I used to think I was Tarzan or Errol Flynn and I worked out all the time. These days I look in the mirror and I see my grandpa.

My theory is that every man should expect some woman somewhere to find him attractive. That doesn't mean he will find her attractive. And there's no guarantee that two mutually-attracted people will ever meet.

There's an obvious give-and-take when it comes to attractiveness. It's the elephant in the room. As Clint Eastwood's character said in a movie: "a man's got to know his limitations".

Many of us don't want to be realistic about our limitations, and keep casting the line out there where there aren't any fish. As we get older there are 2 things we can do about our limitations: [1] lower our expectations, and [2] improve our attractiveness.

I'm working on both.

Self-centered, if not narcissistic (though not necessarily in a clinical way). Some people confuse confidence with arrogance.

It's not just men. I dated for 15 years before I met Karen. I ran into exactly the thing you described here from women. They were either way older than their picture, or heavier or both. I was a distance runner at the time, and had an ad explaining that I enjoyed hiking/backpacking, running, bicycling and paddling. I had women message me who had a hard time walking from their car to the restaurant.
I didn't understand it either. They had to know you would see the way they look now, when you meet and you are right, there has to be some kind of initial attraction before you can go farther.

You have a much more active social life then I do! I rarely meet anyone and so have no good stories

I've seen both men and women use old or "airbrushed" photos of themselves and I think it's a combination of denying mortality and fearing rejection, with a dash of vanity thrown in. Why people do it in a dating context, where face to face contact is the goal, I'll never understand. If I were dating, I'd used my best current photo, but it'd be current. What's far worse than someone looking at your photo and going "yuck" is someone looking you in the face and knowing that you've been lying -- and THEN going "yuck".

There's one other possible explanation for this behavior that you bemoan: it may be a strategy to locate partners who are weak and servile. If a woman is too "nice" to express betrayal that early in the relationship, then she will be easily controlled. In other words, get them invested with old photos and smooth talk, and hope that they stay the course rather than cut their losses. Hope, in short, they're that desperate.

You are right that chemistry and trust are important. My wife vividly remembers the first pic she saw of me. It was an accurate representation of my current appearance, and she liked what she saw and was not surprised to see that I looked that way in person. And it established right away that I'm an honest actor.

That picture is now 12 years old and I'm somewhat worse for the wear, but love has a way of stopping time, fortunately. But I try to honor that old photo by doing my best to stay fit and healthy.

Most men are legends in their own minds. Due to traditional roles that men have been inculcated into, mens egos are unnecessarily vulnerable. The fear of rejections often causes men to overi-inflate their assets, to the point that they eventually actually believe their own press. It's not right, but given the old pervasive culture, it happens all too often.

Lying like that is a non-starter, every time. Old photos are a deal-breaker.

You don’t seem to be having much luck lately. You know the old adages

“If what you’re doing ain’t working, change what you’re doing”

And “If you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always got”

Just a thought.

Hi, I'm fat, old, and gray. I drive a 69 f150 with primer. It doesn't have muffler. Neither do I.
Want to go out? Or just want me to go?

The best advice I ever got as far as women are concerned is in life, there will be women who like you and you don't feel the same way, women who you like and they won't feel the same way and women where the feeling is mutual.

Online dating can be tough as we all try to put our best foot forward. This can manifest itself as exaggerated interest and hobbies as well as outdated and picking the best pictures available to us.

Due to this, I often try to ask for impromptu pictures in order to make sure the person I am talking to looks the way they presented themselves in their profile. I try not to overdo this of course, but I do view it as a safety precaution.

Always ask for a real time selfie or FaceTime, I’ve learned this the hard way

I think two things are needed after a little introductory chat online... 1 a text of a selfie. I send one, just me at that moment, not posed or airbrushed, and request one back. A guy who is afraid of showing his face, just as boring and plain as mine, is a no-go. 2 a plan to meet. NSA quick meet up, decide on a "real date" after that. Its really easy to get a vibe from a 20 minute meeting. And if it turns into a 90 minute meeting, thats great, but the key is, make it really easy for either person to say "i have to get going", without pressuring anyone.

You could go on a short drive to meet me? I'm not a hiker. I hate exercise. In fact I would move unless I had to. I'm not thin. I never will be. I'm gonna make sure of that. I'm not driving there either. You could show up at the door and I'm still not letting you in.
I don't live alone. There's two dogs, two cats, two fish, two goats and two horses. And that's inside the house. As far as the smoking? It's not my fault, I'm on fire!

I've seen me in the mirror. I'd love to be the 23 year old again, but I'm not. I try be honest about being human. I don't hide my age, although it is nice for being taken as somewhat younger.
I don't fancy young lasses anymore. A lady has to have some age to her, not that I don't find their beauty a wonder to admire, but it's different.
Now I am overweight, but apart from Christmas I'm gently working it. I snore, fart, belch, scratch, pick and swear. If yoy were in bed with me, I'd steal the covers, but I'd also warm your feet. Plus I can hold a conversation.

And how did you get a picture of me in MY bathroom?

When I’m attracted to a woman, I don’t automatically assume she’ll be attracted to me. But I do hope she is, and I go into a first meeting with that hope, that confidence. It’s disappointing when she’s not attracted to me because my photos are real and current.

we all think we have an agreeable look -- but some of us really don't --those plexaderm commercials kill me -- they found what I consider unattractive ppl and they are pleased with the new look I wonder why they would bother --- I feel its inner beauty and attraction there is and are someone out there for anyone willing to be open and try
men always see that young virile boy when in fact they are not that at all
their virility depends on that fragile ego
I get asked all the time to go out and trust me im no beauty and when I turn them down they get hurt and lash out and attack me -- mostly men of average size below ---
ive had men say they were attracted and within three sentences after hi they want me to swear I won't even talk to another man how stupid is that? and yet it happened more than once

What words disguise a lying old fart enough to negotiate a a nice bistro rendezvous?

Where did you get this picture of me????

Your last word was delusional, I think maybe replacing that with, Legends in their own mind. May be more appropriate? I truly wish you better luck.

I recently went back to online dating. IDK why, I'm too busy.
It's been prolly 4 years, and I recognize several women with the SAME pictures who are still on there.

I think it is great that you are making an effort to connect. I rarely get any kind of response to messages I send. Sometimes I bug them and ask them to shit or get off the pot. If you're not interested then STOP viewing my profile. WTF!?!? But just tell me you're not interested and I'll stop viewing your profile too.

I am told by various non-experts ( opinionated people) that this is because women get TONS of messages (and men vastly outnumber them on these sites. )

So my question to you Kathleen , or any woman reading this, is this true?

If you don't recognize them because of old photos (not shitty photography) pretend like you recognize them as the high school captain of some sports team that you dated in high school.

"Wow, you've changed! How'd things work out with that cheating bitch Cathy I caught you with under the bleachers after the championship, you 2 timing whore?"

Nights now yours again, you're all dolled up, call a friend up for a kidnap girls night out and go kidnap her. Order pizza for the husband and kids if necessary.