I heard this one the other day:

An elderly man is in the doctor's office for a physical. His doctor enters and says to him, "There's no easy way to say this, Mr. Smith, but you're going to have to stop masturbating." "But why?" the old man inquires. The doctor replies, "So I can examine you, sir."

A giraffe walks into a bar and announced to everyone, "the highballs are on me!"

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes

He gave me a hug

''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

OK. Dumb blonde joke.
Three guys were discussing the lack of intelligence of their blonde wives.
1st guy, dark haired tells how his wife saw a sale at the butcher, so she bought 500 pounds of fresh meat, problem is the guy explained is that we don't have a deep freeze, she is so dumb.
Well said the 2nd guy, a ginger. My wife is so dumb she just went and bought an expensive car cover, and we don't even have a car.
The 3rd guy (you guessed it) blonde, said well if you think they are dumb, my wife is going on a two week vacation to Eurpoe, and she bought a suitcase full of condoms.

And she doesn't even have a penis!

Heisenberg is pulled over and the cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg responds "No, but I know exactly where I am."
Always wanted to tell an officer that, but never could get up the courage.

The Bible is the inerrant word of God. That was a pretty good one. Or this lol. It's much funnier in video format.

What do you call a boomerang that doesnt return?

a stick

Not exactly the funniest but it gets the best reactions for me.

Two men walk into a bar... The third one ducks.

A man suspected his son was skipping school, so he hid a lie detector near the dining room table. When the family sat down for dinner, he asked his son, Scott, if he had attended school and when Scott said yes, the lie detector beeped.

So the dad asked again, and the son said he'd run off to smoke weed behind the mall.
The dad yelled angrily, "Why would you do that? I've never done anything like that before!"

And the lie detector machine beeped again.

The wife laughed and said, "Ha, ha! Scott is your son, alright!"

The machine beeped again.

I have listened,do daily Namaaz(Muslim Worship) Allah(God) will send u heaven.

Q.~Why was the blonde staring at the orange juice container?
A.~Because the label read concentrate!

A Kansas businessman who loves seafood is thrilled when his company sends him to Boston for a conference. Upon arrival, he jumps into a cab and asks the driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod?" The cabbie scratches his head, then answers, "Mister, I've heard that question a million times, but never before in the pluperfect subjunctive!"

For some really funny religious jokes, check out DAVE ALLEN on YouTube.

A man wakes up one morning to find an angry gorilla on his roof,

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the fucking dog."

Why does Tigger stink all the time? Cuz he's always playin' with Pooh...

He is risen.

There's a good one about Easter that ends with "Jesus rolls back the stone from his tomb, steps outside, and if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter!"

Please foregive me, but this is my choice......... A travelling salesman's car breaks down on a lonely country road, he approaches a farmhouse and is offered shelter for the night. The only bed available is with the farmers young daughter...... The farmer explains that she sleeps well and won't disturb him. While the salesman was undressing she noticed his willie and asked what it was. He was a bit embarresed but noted that she was cuddling her doll, so he quickly explained that as she had a doll, he also had one, and that is what it was............The next day the traveller thanked the farmer and returned to recover his car.....The farmer asked his daughter, " how did you sleep last night dear ? " OK dad, but a funny thing happened, my doll fell out of bed so I played with the mans, and it was sick twice and fainted....

I was walking down the street the other day & this random man ran up to me & started smashing milk cartons over my head....

I thought, "how dairy".

A dyslexic agnostic insomniac is someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

(Not the funniest, but seems applicable here.)

Whats black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?

a nun with a spear through her neck.

I don't think I can repeat it here.

The white man promised the Native Americans that the iron horse would bring many good things to their people, but the Indians had reservations...

It has visuals.

I was at a sales conference for a week. As you can imagine there were jokes told all the time. This joke however was the agreed best of them all.
A paraplegic girl goes to the beach. As she is laying there sunbathing, she notices the lifeguard walking past. He is tall, tanned, muscled and has tight trunks that hide nothing of his privates. So eventually she calls him over and says " Excuse me, I hope you dont mind but I could not help but notice you there. You are such a good looking guy and... how can I put this. Ive been in a wheelchair all my life and I have never been fucked. "
The lifeguard looks at her lying there and says " Well darling, today you will be fucked " Her eyes light up till he adds " The tide is coming in "