Taking personal responsibility instead of blaming others. Your thoughts?
"I can't believe how many people my age don't take personal responsibility and blame others for their problems," my daughter Claire said at 25. "They get fired repeatedly. Their parents constantly bail them out financially."
"How long have your dad and I taught you personal responsibility?" I asked. "Since birth," she groaned. We laughed. My daughter, the comic.
Today I helped Dennise, the girl I'm mentoring, write an essay on leadership for the Washington State Opportunity Scholarship.
"As an introvert, I am a quiet leader. I lead by example. This year, I am mentoring 20 students as a group: an entire Algebra 1 class. I make sure they can properly solve the problems they're given by explaining them so they can be approached from different directions. I have been a Freshman orientation leader for the past two years. I help make the transition from middle school to high school smoother and less scary. I show them how to find their classes, where to get help, dealing with high school culture, etc. I am inspiring my younger cousins and neighbor kids to get good grades, stay in school, and go to college.
"The only person I can change and control is myself. Music education and performance have sculpted me into a responsible young woman. Late nights refining my part for orchestra rehearsals taught me not to my settle for a product that I am not proud of presenting to the world. Playing in an orchestra and small ensembles trained me to work well as a harmonic team. The thrilling accomplishment of performance proves that all the discipline and preparation leading to that point have been worth it. I believe this applies to all education. This perseverance will be invaluable throughout my life.
"This week, I started back at school. Instead of mentoring Algebra I students over Zoom, I met with them in person. I walked around the classroom, checking to see if any students were struggling with their assignment.
"I noticed Jenny had been stuck on the same problem. She had checked her answer on a class website and it showed her answer was wrong. That's when I jumped in. "Jenny, can I help you?" She nodded. I reworded the question so she would understand it better. Without giving her the answer, I was able to help her until she got it right.
"Some students just need a little more one-on-one help to succeed. I learned not to give away the answer and let students think for themselves. Some students get frustrated and want me to give them the answer so they can write it down, but that's not how they learn.
"This example applies to leading a group. Delegation is important to teach and trust others to take responsibility for themselves. I set high expectations for myself and others. I learned that people tend to rise to the level I set. If I set low expectations, people will just meet that level.
"As a positive role model, I am teaching people to take self-responsibility instead of blaming others and playing victim. This is one of the most powerful life lessons we all need to learn."
Bravo, Dennise!
Photo:
Dennise, 18, plays first viola in orchestras and percussion instruments in Jazz Band. She has tutored math students in Algebra 1 and 2 for four years.
Since age six, Dennise has been translating for her Spanish-speaking parents at doctor's offices, hospitals, and parent-teacher conferences.
She plans to become an accountant and hopes to help her parents financially.
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14 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.I blame others when it's their fault, and myself when it's mine, but usually when something goes wrong (or right) the reasons are a complicated combination of a lot of things.
Storm1752
Level 8
Feb 1, 2021
2
I concur.
I remember as a kid, my dad would say to me;
"Janeel don't blame your life adversities on another human and praise yourself for your success, it's hypocrisy! Be responsible for your actions".
That single succeeding phrase reminded me i was the generator of bad luck and good luck in my life.
BRAVO DENNISE!
Lady_bug
Level 5
Jan 31, 2021
2
You experienced effective and supportive PARENTING, and you passed it along. Not everyone is so lucky. Oh, we can work to fill those cavities in adulthood, but the malleability of youth has been lost.
BitFlipper
Level 8
Jan 31, 2021
1
Your assumption is incorrect.
My father was a critical, emotionally abusive alcoholic. Nothing I did was good enough for him. Sadly, Dad never said he loved me.
I tried to please Dad: excelling in swimming and sailing, first flute, won the Michigan State Solo and Ensemble Competition for flute solo, great grades, Queen of the Junior Prom, etc. To no avail.
I vowed never to treat my child like my father treated me. Terry and I took parenting classes before getting pregnant.
Thats the way i was brought up,ake your own money and pay your debts as you go long ,learn to do with out or substitute priorityize ones needs and wants ,Earn up to your mistakes and pay or damages you cause. yes people do not take responsibility and blame others
RoyMillar
Level 9
Jan 31, 2021
1
That's exactly the best way for them to learn. I lived on the Navajo reservation for a year, I taught business classes. It was not easy. It was a boarding school and 30% attendance was a good day. But I actually got through to them, this exact way.
I believe a lack of accepting personal responsibility is what we see going around politically lately.
Larimar
Level 8
Jan 31, 2021
2
I'm down with the personal responsibility but I wouldn't want to walk a mile in those shoes, they look really uncomfortable.
Surfpirate
Level 9
Jan 31, 2021
3
She wore those shoes for her senior photo. You are hilarious!
As a financially and professionally secured systems engineer, can you pass my mantra to Denise?
My mantra: "Math is your Friend..."
CarlosG903
Level 6
Jan 31, 2021
5
Dennise became fluent in English by third grade.
In third grade, she got the highest grade on state math tests and won a trophy. The trophy was given to her at an assembly with all of the elementary students and teachers.
"I felt proud, thrilled and recognized," she said. Dennise was put in enrichment and advanced math classes from then on.
@LiterateHiker Based on your reply, it seems that All of Dennise's achievements can be best summed up in my fav phrase:
"Goodness"....
Is it fair to assume that she is getting a lot of "Encouragement"? If yes,
Keep Up The Good Work! So that she will continue to be an Achiever.
The more Encouragement she receives in her past, present, and future academic achievements,
it will increase her goal of entering the Professional Job Market. And be Happy and Successful.
Reflecting on my academic and professional achievements, no matter what she will eventually choose as her College Major, I would suggest to her family(if you care to pass onto her):
If her major is not in the STEM field, I would suggest to her to
have(all or the majority) of her College Elective Hrs with
College Math Hrs...it will do her justice when she enters the professional job market!
Dennise plans to major in a STEM field: Applied Mathematics.
This makes her eligible for more scholarships.
@LiterateHiker Applied Mathematics?
Goodness on her Scholareships.
My basic instinct is to wish Dennise
"Luck",
but it seems that she is on the path to achieving a successful career path, on her own.
In short....Cool Beans!
Do I sense a path towards a Masters Degree?
Regardless, on your brief bio,
...all she needs now is the Continued Encouragement(no matter what form)
between now and when she Earns that Degree...or Degrees!
Dennise will be the first person in her family to graduate from high school and go to college.
Since 2006, I have been a volunteer college mentor, helping first generation (children of immigrants) write essays to apply for colleges and scholarships. I teach them writing and organizational skills. Give encouragement: "I believe in you. You can do it!"
One of my best success stories is Brenda, who won $269,445 in scholarships and grants in 2016. Brenda is becoming a medical doctor and pathologist. She hopes to cure diseases.
@LiterateHiker It appears that you have practiced what you preached...and have been recognized by your achievements....that, seems to me, a life that you enjoy now...and will enjoy as you enrich others to enrich themselves. IIn your last photo, I see several categories of beauty;'
1st: the beauty of the natural landscape behind you(reminds me of Germany's Barvarian forests),
2nd: the beauty of "naturally" being with those young minds and friends, whom you're mentored,
and
3rd: the beauty of seeing successful or soon-to-be successful young minds...egged on with positive and practical encouragement!
Thank you. I appreciate you.
@LiterateHiker You're Welcome Kathleen!
Always good to chat with one with an altruistic commitment towards your community!
{ especially given the current climate )
I think getting people to take personal responsibility for the out comes in life is possible when they are made to feel confident about who they are and what they do.
I think the greatest Gift an adult can give a child is confidence. Give them confidence and watch them go. When people play the Victim, it's usually a lack of confidence that makes that happen.
dermot235
Level 7
Jan 31, 2021
3
@dermont235
Playing victim is a stuck position. Nothing changes.
People who play victim feel powerless and helpless. They don't feel in control of the quality or circumstances in their lives. They show little interest in problem-solving.
Reminds me of the two Trumpsters I accidentally met through online dating. Ugh.
Both men said white men are discriminated against. Their children refuse to speak to them. They angrily blamed their ex-wives, feminists (like me), the court system and affirmative action.
I explained protected groups under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act, why these groups are protected, reasons for affirmative action, ad nauseum.
My middle finger was twitching. "We don't make a good match," I said and escaped.
@LiterateHiker It's like they can't live without being a Victim. They get secondary income (lots of attention without any benefit) from being like this. It's hard to know in what universe they exist that they think they will attract a woman if they insist men are discriminated against and tell you their children refused to speak to them and they feel angry and blame their ex-wives. But then again I guess men like that are not really looking for a confident intelligent woman. More likely they are looking for a woman with low confidence and low self esteem that they can put down and blame for all their troubles. And Trying to explain the Civil Rights Act to a Trumpster is like trying to explain Quantum Mechanics to a 3 year old. 10 out of 10 for trying I guess. lol
Shouldn't we all?
After its all boiled down is it not logical that your actions, etc, ARE your responsibility, yours and your alone?
Triphid
Level 9
Jan 31, 2021
1
What do you mean?
All of our feelings are okay.
We are responsible for our actions and behavior.
@LiterateHiker Hey, don't get uptight, I was speak of Human Kind as whole there NOT singling anyone in particular out.
It definitely depends on life experiences and opportunities. Having worked with young people who have been in the care system it seems strange to talk of children that have never been abused as having a victim mentality. When a child has been abused both both their parents, and their parents’ friends sometimes you just hope that they live long enough to experience kindness and reframe their life.
When you visit children that are in court because their parents have played a part in them breaking their bond conditions....and their parent is there blaming you, it seems farcical, but to them it’s quite real, they don’t feel in control, alcoholism is a disease. .
Everyone has their own story and frame of reference, many feel that they are doing the best that they can. Some are just dulling the pain until they are able to deal with it.
Taking responsibility for your part in your circle of influence; sure.
Taking responsibility for perpetrator’s behaviour? Some do.
You can’t change how people feel, if they don’t feel responsible it’s difficult to convince them otherwise. The gift of insight can be elusive.
girlwithsmiles
Level 8
Jan 31, 2021
5
She seems like a wonderful very resilient young woman. She has shouldered many burdens in her young life and dealt with it well.
HippieChick58
Level 9
Jan 31, 2021
6
Enjoy being online again!
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