End one relationship before you start another.

When my second wife and I first separated, about 8 years into our marriage, I dated a gal for several months. It had started out as a simple, pre-existing friendship, we had similar interests and similar hobbies, the whole nine yards, and we started hanging out together. She knew my situation, as I told her exactly what was going on. Nevertheless, one night after a road trip to Mall of America (her idea,) dinner, and a bit of drinking we ended up having sex. After that she ran with it, getting it set in her mind that I would get divorced and she and I would be together forever. I didn't encourage or discourage such thinking because I didn't want her to go away, but I wasn't free to make definitive future plans with her either.

Before long my wife's daughter, who freaked when the serious divorce talk began a month or two later, insisted on mediating between my wife and me in an attempt to prevent us from divorcing. It was not entirely successful, as we did eventually divorce, but it was successful enough that we "unseparated" for a couple of years. At the point where we agreed to give it another try, of course, I had to break it off with the other woman. She did not take it well at all, and didn't want to let go. It left me in a very awkward and uncomfortable position given the fact that we had friends in common outside the context of the relationship.

My wife and I would eventually move to California -- for me to accept an unsolicited job offer that paid twice what I was making at my other job, and also in part to escape the "ghosts" (she had also dated another man, who was married, while we were separated.) It was in California that the whole thing completely fell apart and we divorced.

Amazingly, I am still friends with my second ex-wife and with the woman I had dated during our separation. It was difficult to regain these friendships out of the ashes of broken relationships, but that's what eventually happened. However, they are not friendly with each other even to this day.

The point here, I think, is that right or wrong is subjective. Only you can decide what is right or wrong for yourself given your situation. However, dating while separated but not divorced is ripe with potential risks. Even when you think you are doing the right thing by clearing it with your wife and fully informing the other woman, it can easily lead to a very awkward and uncomfortable situation for everyone involved.

This might be fun for you, but as a single woman, I would never again date a man in this situation. They are too deep in transition, don't know what they want or who they are yet.

You can do what you want. I would not date someone who is not divorced, but that's my choice.

This reminds me of a very recent situation with a coworker/friend. He stayed married to his wife, even though they separated more than 20 years ago and live in separate states.

He told me himself that he stayed married because his wife needed his medical insurance and he did not want her to go without it. He has had a girlfriend for much of that time whom he cherishes.

He has always planned his retirement around his life with the girlfriend.

He recently had a serious medical situation that I honestly believed would lead to his death.

It was very awkward for our company manager talking to his adult kids about medical leave processes, etc. and how to reach his girlfriend, because the adult kids didn’t know about his primary relationship!

There are definitely downsides to being legally married, especially when something goes wrong medically or results in death. i.e. The wife, who had not been a part of his life for many many years, is now in control of every aspect of his life.

No, it’s not wrong- morally or ethically, to me. However, I would not get tangled up with someone who was still legally married. My point is that I think it reduces the number of potential dating partners for you.

Check the laws in your state. If you decide you want a divorce in the future - dating while you're separated can screw you there

This is a very individual thing. The circumstances can make all the difference.

Are you separated with the hope of reconciliation?
Are there children involved?
When you separated did you discuss and agree on the terms of the separation?

If you haven't discussed this with your ex, do so first.

Being involved with two women at once is insanity. If you know you want to divorce your wife, do that. Get it over with. Then be single for a while. Heal.

Getting into another relationship immeditely is a mistake.

You can do anything you want (of course), but as you are "not pushing for a dovorce" anybody looking for a long term relationship would be very foolish to date you.

You're still married. Get divorced. Then date.
What you "want" isn't wrong, but it's not reasonable to expect anyone else to
be okay with it, if they're interested in dating you. Just pull the trigger and get it over with.

Well, me and Mr. Robinson live 180 miles apart, for fifteen years now. My choice. What do you mean, going through seperation? Have you filed for legal seperation? If you have, I would recommend that you do not date as to not give Mrs. Robinson a reason to file for divorce under grounds of infedelity.

Also, each state has different definitions about reasons for divorce.

I have been seperated for over 7 years. She left. We still communicate on occasion but it's almost always about our daughter in college. Neither of us wants to get back together, nor are we interested in getting married again, and lawyers are soooo expensive. For all intents and purposes, we are both single. I'm dating and have no qualms about it, nor do the people I'm dating. Society and our culture tell us we need to get divorced before venturing out. But keep in mind that is the same society and culture that says god is real and the bible is fact.

'Nuff said, for me.

Before you start to date some else else you need to get clousure with your wife,
five years ago I was in a relationship with a woman who was still married but seperated from her husband.
but her heart was divided ,.
she could not choose who she wanted to be with her husband or myself.
it wanst fair to me to keep me on a string like that . So as much as my heart wanted to be with her . I realized that a person can't love and be with 2 differnt people at the same time.

It's not wrong to want to date but please consider the person you are dating. I have on two occasions in my life dated men who were separated, divorce papers were filed and the men both were adamant that there was no going back....well...it ain't over till it's over! Both ended up back with their wives, one of the men is still married 20 years later. The other gentleman tried real hard to make it work but finally divorced five years after we quit dating. The bottom line, I developed strong feelings for both of these men as we had dated for a year and had hopes of a long future together. I refuse to ever go down that road again....twice bitten twice shy....

If you are separated, the marriage is over, get a divorce, to me there isn't excuse not to. You can come up with a lot of reasons why not to, none of them rate any value IMHO.

I was separated-and-not-divorced for a couple decades. I lived in another state and he and I had zero desire to reconcile. I met a man that I came very close to marrying. That's what prompted me to pay $400 bucks, drive to my ex's town, and have him sign. My ex tried to hesitate about signing papers because I have always had assets from work/ing. He asked me at one point how much my truck was worth. He is not only a pitiful alcoholic and chronically unemployed, but he's also not the brightest bulb. He signed the papers after a good "talking to". In all of those years I was seperated I carried on with my life raising our son (sans child support), working, building a career, paying the bills, and I never thought of him much. Accept when asked about my marital status. I confess, I would lie since emotionally I was completely divorced from the man. It came to a head when I met the man I almost married. I'm glad I didn't marry the new guy. And I'm also glad I met him. Our relationship prompted me to get a long over-due divorce, and I breathe better for it.

Gosh, your laws in America are so diverse & complicated! Here in England, you just go & pay your £400 & sign some papers. Done. 2 years by mutual consent. 5 if not. Can't see the point of staying seperated if the marriage is over, just get divorced. But if you have to consider archaic ideas like infidelity, alimony etc., I can see why you wouldn't want to. For me, if the marriage is over, then date.

First off, wow just wow. I want to thank everyone for the advice,kind words and tough love, in some cases. To be clear, I have not started dating as I am going for a reconciliation. So instead of feeling down about it, I will do some self improvement and work on some things that was hurting my marriage.

1. First lose this gut I have by going to the gym and eating better

2. Learn to control my impluse spending.

3. Stop over promising and under delivering.

4. Learn to be accountable more.

5. Learn to be more attentive.

I'm pretty sure there is more than just goes 5 but that's all I can think of at the moment. Once again thank you everyone for the advice and tough love you, this really helped gave this really

I would say it depends on what "separated" means. If you expect to get back together, I would say no. In my case, my ex and I were separated for a year and a half before pulling the divorce, but I knew the day I moved out there'd be no going back, so that was OK, although it could be a chore convincing your date that it's over with the ex.

As long as you are honest about your status and dituation, and with your soon to be ex, while you are still legally bound to each other. I see nothign wrogn with dating.

Kids?
Why aren't you getting a divorce or legal separation? Finances? Tax break? Feelings?
Best of luck and love.

As long as you're honest about your status to any prospective dates, and they're cool with it.

Though I know I would never date someone who is separated , as it's still very much "married" in my book. And it's not unheard of for reconciliations to occur - thus leaving the newbie out in the cold ...

Until divorced your are still married. Sounds too complicated for me

There's nothing wrong with the feeling of 'wanting' to date someone while seperated. If you actually date someone then legally there could be repercussions down the road if you decide to divorce and she brings up the fact that you were seeing someone while still married. Not saying she would but it is a very real possibility.

As some have said here, let the dust settle, take some time to sort out your own feelings, and work out an arrangement with your wife, be it divorce or some other legally binding entitiy that let's you both date while seperated.