Our Narrator Tells Us He Might Have A "Retail" Face

"I'm telling you about one event but I must have a "retail" face because I'm approached so often. I wear a suit at work. When I call in at any shop on the way home I leave my jacket in the car so I'm just wearing a shirt and tie. I couldn't tell you how many times people assume I am staff.

If they're civil, I'm civil.
If they're struggling, I'm helpful.
If they're rude, I have fun.

The reason I remember this one is because I've said all of these things separately before but this was the first time I got them all squeezed into one single interaction. It just went so perfectly. It will never happen again."

He Sees Her Being Rude To Another Customer
"I had called in to a large supermarket to pick up birthday candles.

I first saw the woman being very rude to another customer for no apparent reason...She was just impatient and the other customer wasn't moving fast enough for her liking so she was insulting her. She definitely ranked above a**hole so let's call her Douchebagette or DB for short.

As she turned I saw the "rocket lock" in her eyes as she spotted me. She galumphed her way over. I decided to enjoy it and settled on being deadpan literal as a plan. I looked away."

Karen Starts Talking To Our Narrator And Mistakes Them For An Employee

"DB: Excuse me!!

Me: Why, what have you done?

DB: What?!

She paused for a second looking like a dog that had been shown a card trick. Then angrily asked:-

DB: Can you help me?

Me: I couldn't possibly know. I don't know what you want.

She makes a Tucker Carlson face."

We Find Out Karen Wants Eyelash Curlers
"DB: Where do you keep your eyelash curlers?

Me: I don't keep them anywhere.

DB: Yes, you do. I've seen them before.

Me: I'm certain I don't. I've never owned any. My eyelashes manage to bend all on their own. I'm more than happy with the bendiness of my eyelashes.

DB: Huh? What? No, idiot, I mean the shop. Where in the shop are the eyelash curlers?

Me: I haven't got a clue.

DB: Why not?

Me: I refer you to my previous answer. I never use them.

DB: Aargh! Are you trying to be stupid?

Me: No, it's effortless.

DB: This is insane! Are you going to find out where the eyelash curlers are, or would you prefer that I speak to your manager?

Me: I'd say neither but if I had to choose I'd go for option "

Karen Threatens To Call The Manager
"DB: What?? You want me to speak to your manager?

Me: No.

She shakes her head in angry confusion and says:-

DB: You just said you did.

Me: No I didn't. You asked me which I'd prefer. If I was offered a rectal exam or a slap in the face I don't want either but I'd prefer the second to the first. See how it works? (This is a phrase I use with my wife when she gives me bad alternatives.)

She stood in silence for a few seconds with her mouth open and the deepest frown. She then built up to a shout with:-

DB: This is RIDICULOUS!!!

Me: I completely agree.

DB: WHERE is your manager?

Me: I'm not exactly sure but my guess would be at home with his family.

DB: AAARGH! You're being STUPID! Who supervises YOU here in this store RIGHT NOW?

She actually stamped her foot twice when she shouted "right now".

Me: Nobody.

DB: What? Why not?

Me: Because I don't need to be supervised. I haven't needed supervision in a shop since I was about 9 years old.

DB: OH MY GOD, IT'S LIKE TALKING TO THE WALL!!"

A Sliver Of Hope - Karen Starts To Understand Maybe She's Making A Mistake
"I could see that her shouting had attracted a member of management. She was approaching quickly.

DB: Why aren't you HELPING ME!!!

Me: Why would I?

I think I saw a slight hint of understanding spread across her puzzled face.

DB: You do WORK HERE don't you?

Me: No.

DB: WHY DIDN'T YOU F*CKING SAY SO?!

Me: You didn't ask me. Until now."

The Manager Arrives And Karen Gets More Frustrated
"The manager arrived just as Douchebagette shouted into my face

DB: YOU'RE A F*CKING MORON!!!

Manager to DB: Madam, please lower your voice and stop swearing. There are children in the store.

Manager to me: What's happening Sir?

Me: I'm not really sure. This woman was being rude to another customer then she approached me and started to interrogate me about my personal grooming habits. She wasn't happy with my answers and started to spit shout at me.

DB: NO, THAT'S NOT F*CKING TRUE. I WAS SHOUTING BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE WORKED HERE!

Manager: Whether he was an employee or not you can't talk like that. You can't abuse customers and we have a strict policy about abuse towards staff. We don't tolerate it.

DB: ITS NOT MY FAULT. HE'S A F*CKING IDIOT. IF HE HAD ......

She was interrupted by the manager.

Manager: Please. stop. shouting!

The manager pressed transmit on her radio and said:-

Manager: Security, urgent, code 4, aisle 14.

Manager to me: Are you OK Sir?

Me: Yes I'm fine I just needed birthday candles. Could you tell me where they are?

DB: WHAT THE F*CKING HELL IS GOI....

Manager to DB: Stop. Shouting. Stop. Swearing. If I have to warn you again you will have to leave the store.

Manager to me: They're on aisle 22.

Me: OK. Thank you."

Karen Gets Escorted Out Of The Store
"I started to walk away. Meanwhile, DB was still shouting. Two security staff turned the corner and passed me on their way to DB.

I could hear her shouting for another 30 seconds. The next time I saw DB I was standing at the self checkout. She was being followed out of the store by the security staff. She was complaining into her phone, loudly but unclearly, about the shop, the staff and "some f*cking moron" as she left empty-handed. Do you think that moron was me?

I was wishing so hard for her to look left and see me but she didn't. If she had shouted at me, regardless of what she said, I was going to raise my little box of candles and say "Yes thanks, I found them".

The whole thing was so funny. I almost broke and nearly started laughing when she stamped her foot in time with "right now".

I've been mistaken for staff dozens of times but I've never had it go so perfectly. Probably never will. Don't expect a sequel."