If I hear the "they're in a better place", "he/she is at peace now", "they no longer have to suffer", etc any more I think I'll scream. I lost me dad, two brothers, a husband and an ex-husband within a year of each other. No one should lose that many loved ones in such a short period of time.

As horrible as that was, having a pastor tell me that I should be glad that my 3 week old son died (SIDS) because now he won't have to go through all the trials/tribulations....... well that was it for me. Thinking back I should have let my step-son beat the crap out of the guy but stopped him.

For some its just a way to cope, but for some its just a way to live in denial. It all comes down to context.

Don't get me started... I had to swallow so much religious platitude BS when my husband died (sorry about your mom, by the way. I'll freak when my mom's time comes!). "In a better place", really? Like having a happy marriage, working in a business of your own making, and getting watch your kids grow up in so awful...

Ive heard them all in my line of work, the most common one for sure is "he or she is in a better place" I just smile and nod. Whatever helps these people is fine, I also hate the term "passed away" I prefer so and so died. DIED we don't pass away we die.

Well, I was at my mother's side when she died. Her last words were, "God's coming." I looked up but didn't see anything but still I wonder. Her last months were harsh and all the calls to 911 to revive her were horrible, scary moments of life and death. Now that that's all over I can clearly say she's better off dead because now she's no longer suffering. So if you consider death a place then yes she's in a better place because life was shit before she died.

I guess we can only take comfort in our own convictions, and let others cope with events in their own way. It is a hard time when loved ones die and others are saying what makes them feel better even if it conflicts with your thoughts, but it is a measure of our maturity how we handle the social situation.

I had to laugh and honestly not at your pain but because I've felt those same feelings of, how stupid are you my father is dead and the place he is, is 6 feet underground. A better place would be alive not in the freaking ground. Go away a peddle your BS to someone dumb enough to buy it, you piece of $#it!
I'm sorry she had to go, especially because she wasn't ready to stop being present in your life. There is nothing that can be said that makes that pain go away and all I can say is, I'm sorry you had to go through that.

First, let me offer you my condolences for your grievous loss. I, too, lost my mother fairly recently (3 years ago), so I have at least some idea of what you are likely going through. Then again, my mother was 90 while you lost your mother much more unexpectedly. That is beyond my experience. In any case, I hope that the grieving process has included sweetness as well as sorrow.
As for your irritation over "she is in a better place," I certainly empathize. Far better as a form of solace would have been for them to share a memory they have of your mother, so that you might thereby know just how many ways she touched people's lives. It's sad, but our society doesn't really know how to deal with death.

When any living creature dies, it no longer suffers, but it no longer loves or experiences joy. Death is a reality and reality is no always pleasant. I lost my mom 4 yrs ago and my dad 3 yrs ago. I held my mom's hand as she died and I was more convinced than ever that death is nothing but the end of life..
What happens to you is the same thing that happens before you were born. Here are two great links about death: 1. What we should think about death-

I mean, to some people death can be peaceful

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, @DeiP, and for the torture you've had to go through from obtuse believers. I can remember how exasperated I was by their comfort after my husband died, particularly with the things told our 3-yr old daughter. "Your Daddy is waiting for you up in heaven" was a winner, as was "He's always watching over you." It confused and scared her. Fortunately, I dealt with our grief logically and I think my daughter came out of it very well-balanced. She knows dead is dead, and I often had to suppress a smile when someone said something stupid thinking to comfort her and my darling child looked up at them sweetly and explained frankly, "No, my Daddy is dead. Dead is dead." It totally stumped each an every one of them (yes, I enjoyed this more than a little.)

I realize that the brainwashing by religion is to discourage people from actually feeling emotions, so they can't become whole, and I usually feel sorry for them, but it's a lot to deflect when you're dealing with grief. It sounds like a lot of people here have been in similar circumstances so feel free to vent or talk or whatever, whenever you need to. And I'm always available if you want to take it offline. {{{ hugs }}}

My father, whom I greatly respect even though he is a Christian pastor is fond of saying that we judge ourselves based on our motives but others based on their actions. When I find myself becoming upset I try to ask myself if the person that has bothered me truly intended to be hurtful or if that feeling was already within me and awaiting a reason for expression.

I know this cannot completely eliminate pain, especially in an emotionally trying time like that, but it does help. It will also help you to respond in an appropriate manner when the time comes.

They offer what comfort they can, which is what comforts them. Condolences are one of those clumsy things in life. The loss when someone dies can be overwhelming, and it can be hard or impossible to find the right thing to say. The fact they don't know you're not one of them means they may have no clue that this upsets you.

More than 10 years before my mother died she was suffering from a terrible disease, Alzheimer's. She doesn't know who we are anymore. And there was this funny incident when one time she kicked my father out of their bed and scolded him, "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

Those 10 years could've been the saddest part of our lives, she cannot feel our love anymore, she doesn't care because she doesn't know what's going on anymore. She passed away peacefully in her sleep at age 81. She was in fairly good health then. We were expecting her to live some more years since her elder sister and brother died at the age of 94 and 92.

I even find 'passed away' aggravating. Then there's the 'rest-in-peace' line. What the hell does that mean? How about the one that says 'the lord has taken him/her' for a grabber. I understand why they use such phrases, but damn them.

My father died when I was single parenting my then 10 year old son. I'm very overt about my beliefs, so anyone knowing me well wouldn't try to comfort me with religious platitudes. Feelings around death are painful, awkward and uncomfortable, so sometimes people just revert to roles that they have seen modeled in life or in movies, behaving as expected. When we are feeling real deep grief, and someone approaches caring, but acting in a rote manner, it feels fake and off putting. For me its like that with the religious aspect or not. I don't blame them, but I don't feel like they are organically there for me.

My father's death came after a lifetime of mental illness, that eventually led to him just losing interest in being alive, and eventually eating, drinking, and finally breathing. In many ways his death was a relief for him and for those that loved him, he was just so unhappy. There was way more to him that his mental illness, but less so in his latter years. Still I was left with many warm memories and some ways that he was a great influence on my life. Being bi-polar, he was to put it mildly, a free thinker!

As a non-religious person surrounded by mostly religious ones, I try to meet them in the place where our worldviews coincide, like the overlapping circles on a Venn diagram. Sometimes that means translating my thoughts into words that they can understand and absorb on a heart level. I don't really expect that sort of consideration in return, but when I get it, well, that's cool.

Suicide has touched my life twice, my nephew and a coworker. It is a shock when someone dies unexpectedly and you haven't had time to emotionally gird for it. My heart goes out to you on that level for your mom.

Ken

Logically though:

If the departed/deceased made this world a "better" place then their absence makes this place "worse." As there's now a gradient between "better" and "worse" locations. So, if they're not in the "worse" place presently (being dead and all) then arguably they're in a "better" place because they're not experiencing the "worse" place made by their absence.

Yes, it's a weak argument but at the end of the day, week, month, year, <allotment of the grieving process>, I don't think anyone who's saying those things does so with malice; rather that's how they were taught/raised to express comfort during these unfortunate times.

Now, if a person were to tell me that my loved one was burning in the pits of hell (or something) then those might be fighting words and I don't think a jury in the world would convict under those circumstances.

if they are believers why do they take any precautions in life at all?if I thought there was a better place I would be in a hurry to get there but that doesn't seem the case. I'm prepared to take whats after death as it comes compared to wasting my time believing in something with no evidence. I hope when I'm dead its the same as before I was born ie nothing which I'm sure it is. I would be happy to be recycled myself rather than costing thousands for a ceremony of any sort. it would be cheeper to feed me to flies.

I hope so, but not sure. I hate it when people act like they know for sure.

All of the Christians I know want to be on this planet as long as they can. They also want to enjoy all of the resources that are on it no matter where it comes from and what getting them do to others.

Like when you hear that awful line "our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families."
Are they telepathic?

When s/he dies the living assume that there was pain involved, that s/he had a long illness, and/or s/he must have been uncomfortable (at least in the last minutes, days, or months). And I believe it must be comforting for people who view death in that way to assume s/he is no longer in pain. And, often to their detriment they assume you feel the same way. In my opinion, condolences should be thought and shown, not spoken.

paradoxical