NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Judge Juan M. Merchan reprimanded Donald J. Trump on the first day of his hush money trial after he rejected a number of prospective female jurors as “not my type.”

The judge declared Trump out of order when he commented that one of the women was “a 5 or a 6 at best.”

“This is what happens when Joe Biden controls the justice system,” Trump said. “He doesn’t know how to pick women. I ran beauty pageants.”

Looking at the panel of jurors, he added, “This should never be allowed to happen in this country.”

Trump’s legal woes worsened further when his entire team of attorneys suddenly pleaded insanity.

The lawyers said they were claiming to be insane “on the grounds of expecting to ever be paid.”

In a nightmare scenario for Trump, Rudy Giuliani has volunteered to defend him.

Introducing: The Borowitz Report Election Therapy Playlist

With the election still seven months away, we’re going to need some tools to maintain our sanity. That’s why I’m asking TBR community members to help me create The Borowitz Report Election Therapy Playlist. Leave your nominations for the most mood-enhancing songs you know in the comments section below.

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Once I’ve assembled the playlist, I’ll make it available on Spotify. Thank you!