Aug 16, 2024, by Andy Borowitz

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—A study published by the University of Minnesota Medical School on Friday “strongly indicates” that people who are exposed to Sen. JD Vance lose all interest in activity that would lead to reproduction.

According to Dr. Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, “Research subjects exposed to JD Vance became less likely to reproduce and more inclined to acquire a cat.”

Logsdon said the responses of study participants became “even more pronounced” when they were shown an image of Vance in drag.

In that situation, he said, the participants exhibited a range of behaviors from “recoiling in horror” to “attempting to flee.”

“Taken as a whole, this research suggests that JD Vance might not be the best messenger for his own pro-reproduction stance,” the researcher said. “He could, however, be an effective promoter of abstinence.”