Co-dependency is never good. Makes for a very unhealthy relationship. Time to move on to better things.

Co-dependency, though NOT a term recognized by the official psychiatric diagnostic manual in the U.S., still is real and common. My favorite easy to remember definition is " living your life largely in reaction to another person's neediness; feeling responsible for solving that person's problems." (I picture Edith Bunker from "All In The Family," virtually a servant to her blow-hard husband, Archie). The term "enabling" goes hand in hand with co-dependency. The classic scenario is of a person with a close, protective relationship with an addict whose life is out of control.

The healthiest corrective strategy I know for this is to frequently remind yourself that caring about someone is NOT to be confused with a mandate to always rescue them. If you keep a healthy perspective on your own basic needs --health, financial stability, stable routine with adequate time for yourself (down time), social outlets, opportunities for learning, creativity, self-improvement, etc., that all affords you a better opportunity to recognize what you can reasonably afford to offer to other people, and also, ideally, what you might hope they would be developing for themselves. Helping others is wonderful, the mark of a caring person. But offering guidance and encouragement is far healthier for both of you than is merely repeatedly rescuing someone from problems of their own making. A co-dependent has, for whatever reason, issues of guilt feelings if ever they don't help when asked. The dependent in their life tends to milk that for all it's worth and uses guilt feelings to do that. Don't fall for that tactic. Know your limits and your personal priorities, and defend them.

Wow, this is timely for me. I’m having that with my ex. I’m used to “taking care” of people...cooking, buying things I think they like, etc, With her there were also times I’d bail her out of trouble as well, though mostly it was not appreciated, so when I’d put myself out there, I’d feel taken advantage of. And even though we broke up over a year ago, I still have those impulses, as well as just missing her Company. But now, when I am about to put myself in that position, before I buy or make something intended for her, I ask myself “how will this make you feel, especially if it’s not appreciated? What is the real purpose?” Yes, I love to give to people, but is this to avoid grieving the loss of something/someone? Because THAT is the hard part...the loss, the letting go. And when I focus on that, I do what I know is right, and step back. But it’s a process, right? One that takes practice.

Well. If we stick with the definition, it implies excessive dependance. Not sure who gets to decide what is excessive. Certainly therapy might help. It might be possible to work on as a couple if both are willing to do the work. We all want healthy relationships, but are we willing to do the work to what is needed to have them be healthy? It is very hard. I tend to feel I need someone to make me happy, or complete. My therapist is helping me work on my self esteem and self acceptance. I am sure there are other factors involved, but those are big ones for me. Making slow progress. Sorry I don't have better advice. But I think it is worth working on. Good luck.