Oops. "LenHazell53 is not an active member at this time." Appears the Admin gods have nailed LenHazell53 to a stick. He may or may not be back, but in honesty, I must post something promised to him. He started a subgroup to the AEPandR group (this one) in which he would provide prompts for flash fiction pieces of a 1000 or fewer words each month (or week, I've forgotten). These stories would then be voted on by anyone participating.

His first prompt was a photo of an ape and a human in a car. The ape was driving. I wrote one ( Mike and Mandy ) for his group, but as is my habit, I submitted it to a publisher who handles offbeat flash fiction and pays well. I told @LenHazell53 I would post it if it got rejected or when the rights reverted, whichever. Well, it was rejected (probably for good reasons unknown to me), so here it is.

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Mike and Mandy

The guy standing in the doorway looked like he’d just taken time out from a wild lemur hunt to pay me a visit. You know, khaki suit with all the pockets and elastic cartridge holders, knee-high brown leather boots, and an Indiana Jones hat. He could have just stepped off the set except the guy in the suit was too old and fragile to be in such movies.

“How can I help you, Sir?”

He came the rest of the way in, closed the door, then settled into the chair on the other side of the desk.

“I have a small problem, Mr. Gant.”

“Of course you do. That’s the usual reason for contacting a detective. So, what is this difficulty of yours?”

He squirmed a little, like they all do. “I’m Bernard Poole. I own and operate the wild animal refuge in Sopes Canyon. Last night, two of our prize chimpanzees managed to get out of the lab and we need you to find them before something…terrible happens.”

If it hadn’t been a dry year I would have sent him packing right then. An animal handler I’m not, but I did have to tell him it was a little unusual for me to get monkey hunting requests, and that maybe he’d be better off going to the police or the SPCA. He waved a scrawny hand signaling that was out of the question.

“We need to keep this quiet. I can’t afford to have too many aware of this…problem. Will you help us?”

“Yes, Mr. Poole, but first you need to tell me why this has to be on the hush. I work discreetly, sure, but this sounds a bit beyond the call. What am I getting into besides looking for a couple of escaped monkeys?”

“Not monkeys, Mr. Gant. Chimpanzees. Incredibly special chimpanzees. Mike and Mandy have been with us for ten years and in that time they have taught us more than we have taught them. The most intelligent and advanced chimpanzees in history, Mr. Gant. They may know and understand things we can’t imagine. For example, we know they are aware of....”

###

We spent the rest of the day going over all the information Poole had on his escapees. They were accustomed to wearing clothes. Mike favored denim overalls and red plaid flannel shirts. Mandy had more taste and enjoyed a variety of different outfits, but she had a thing for short skirts. When they left, they absconded with their entire wardrobe. Pictures of chimpanzees in coveralls and miniskirts danced in my head. They were large as chimps go. Mike, he said, stood a full six feet tall, weighed in at 195, and could bench press a small car. He was not a critter I’d want to wrestle. Because of that I was glad to hear they didn’t want me to capture them, just employ my knowledge of criminal behavior to track them down. Poole’s staff would take care of the catching.

The whole business as he outlined it sounded ridiculous to me. He told me that they had to be thought of as genuinely bright criminals on the run. One of the things he harped on during our session was that at no time was I to consider these creatures as anything other than extraordinarily powerful, intelligent, and crafty. They had figured out the combinations to the locks on their habitats, neutered all surveillance equipment, killed all the other failsafes, and managed to get out of the facility unnoticed until the morning shift came on duty. He pointed out that the average human couldn’t have done it. As for me, I couldn’t help wondering if I’d be able to maintain the thought that these two apes were as smart as people. The check he handed me dispelled any doubts I had about that.

When he left, he handed me something that looked like a cell phone. He said it was a direct link to him and all I had to do was push the small button on its face. That was a little after seven in the evening. Another two hours went in poring over maps of the region to determine the most likely route they’d take. The only path that made any sense at all would be south out of town and eventually to the Mexican border. I just couldn’t picture anything as obvious in appearance as Mike and Mandy pulling it off. They sure weren’t going to hitch a ride, and most trucks had locked trailer doors. I figured that in spite of being so strong, they wouldn’t attempt to hoof it over land. How would they do it?

I called it quits for the night and thought I’d swing by Elaine’s Diner for a quick bite on the way home. The monkey search would start in the morning, after a decent breakfast. After all, I just needed to show I did some work to justify cashing the check, and I was too tired for much of anything else. I got in the car and tossed Poole’s phone or whatever it was in the glove compartment. I had that too common feeling this was going to be one of those long nights. That’s when I heard the hammer drawn back. I froze.

“Whatever Bernie told you was probably a lie. Don’t turn around. Just drive south out of town and head for the closest border crossing. We know you’ve been there before. Mandy studied the route before we left, so don’t try anything. Now. Drive.”

The voice was of childlike pitch, but the threat in it was anything but childish—so I drove. I’m sitting here now in the Pink Store sucking down a Dos Equis Dark. In a few minutes I’ll punch the button on this thing and tell Poole and company that I had tracked their monkeys—okay, chimps—south, but they gave me the slip here in Puerto Palomas. Going farther would mean more money.

Adios, Mike and Mandy. Good luck.