“Turning a Breakup Into a Positive Experience.” Marissa Miller wrote this article in The New York times:
“Pop culture has trained us to think of breakups as excuses to binge on ice cream in the dark for a month. But that doesn’t help anyone. So as you reflect on your newfound singledom, here are a few things to keep in mind."
What do you feel about her advice?
3
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Some of the suggestions are good, but going through a breakup is a highly subjective experience. Some sting a lot worse than others. Some of your exes can be friends, some just disappear, only to pop up later, and others can carry a grudge to their graves. Navigating each of these scenarios require very different responses. But the article is good as far as it goes.
zeuser
Level 9
July 1, 2018
1
Breakup, like any stresses are subjective as you pointed out. We all deal with them as we can and must. I saw this article not as a cure, but as an introduction to options and alternatives.
I'm not understanding how she is suggesting turning a negative experience into a positive one. Perhaps I mis-read. Seems to me it is a journey of healing, that can be more affective with some suggestions, which mostly I agree with.
I agree that the pain of a breakup needs to be acknowledged, and the grief needs to be validated. I agree writing thoughts down to express your feelings, whether sent to the former love interest or kept to oneself. I also agree on trying to get out for exercise and doing enjoyable things. I did all those things after my breakup of 3+ months ago, and I'm doing fine now.
I'm finally able to eat right, exercise and enjoy myself in ways that I wasn't able to do while in my relationship. I am back to my writing, which I enjoy and couldn't do with the drama of my relationship. I've lost 10 pounds and am feeling great.
What interrupts my healing is when my former love interest sends bursts of emails and texts to me, all day long, as if nothing happened, seemingly wanting to et back together again. I'm a firm "no" on that. It sets back our mending, at least on my end. He has a habit of continuing to keep all his exes close in his life, which is one of the problems that prompted the breakup. I have assured him, I will not be one of those exes still in his life creating insecurity and drama for his future love interests.
All in all, time and taking care of oneself seems to be the best remedy for a breakup, plus limited or no contact with the ex to promote living healthy separate lives apart from one another. Those are my thoughts.
Julie808
Level 8
July 1, 2018
3
Well said. I've known a few of those people who can break up and move on and continue to be very friendly with each other - the only explanation I could ever come up with was that those couples knew all along - on some very deep, subconscious level, that the relationship was not built on solid ground. The breakup seemed inevitable and almost therapeutic
@Julie808, might i suggest an answer to the question in your first paragraph, by pointing to your words in your last paragraph; I read that you did get it, since what you wrote in your last paragraph is exactly the point. "All in all, time and taking care of oneself seems to be the best remedy for a breakup, plus limited or no contact with the ex to promote living healthy separate lives apart from one another. Those are my thoughts."
Grieving the loss of a relationship and a person we might have loved, then letting go our bitterness, while taking care of ourselves, and moving on, is in fact turning the negative experiences which come with a painful breakup into the positive future awaiting us after we move on.
In my last breakup (3+ months ago) the decision to split was the positive move, since the relationship had turned negative over time. We both agreed we had stayed together too long (8 years) but it was still hard. The challenges of our breakup was more like kicking a bad habit or addiction, with bouts of questioning our decision, and of course a feeling of withdrawal from having someone to share special moments with, and all that good stuff. The breakup was, for the most part, freeing for both of us.
It was my decision not to continue to be close after the breakup, because this fella simply never really broke up with any of his previous girlfriends. He remained close with them all but just put their intimacy on temporary hold. One previous girlfriend continued to spend the night with him twice a week, another previous girlfriend continued to use him as her handyman and date for various gatherings, etc. Remaining close friends with exes is not always a good choice for some relationships
His many girlfriends hanging on to him while he was dating me (for 8 years) caused quite a lot of problems in our relationship, and I vowed not to be a threat to his future relationships, by cooling off our friendship. That's what an ex should do, in my opinion. His exes did not and they played a part in ruining our relationship, though of course my bf allowed and encouraged it. While he was honest about it, I could try to understand, but when he started lying about spending time with other women, I had to call it quits.
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