So Asset Trump is meeting his handler Putin in private soon. Here's how I think it might go.

Putin: Well agent Trump, operation Siberian Candidate is going very well.

Trump: Yes Sir, Mr Putin, Sir, right on schedule. So far I've -

• fractured US society on political and geographical lines.
• corrupted media reporting on politics.
• corrupted as many democratic, legal and administrative processes as possible.
• brought upheaval to our national security alliances, including NATO, not to mention our new enemy, Canada.
• ruined every trade deal, and other US international commitments where possible.
• sucked up to every dictator I could, like you said.
• did that little favour with our new best buddy Kimmy in North Korea.
• destroyed what little judicial independence there was in the Supreme Court.
• generally undermined democracy and the rule of law wherever I could.
  And, honestly, Mr Putin, Sir, I could go on and on, but well you know the drill, coz you planned it.

Putin: Very good agent Trump. Keep up the good work of destroying the US for us.

Trump: You got it Sir!... Oh, and, Mr Putin, Sir, I'm sure there won't be any chance that the tape you have of me will ever get out right.... Or that thingy thing with the hookers, or the financial, er, records, right?

Putin: Don't worry agent Trump, safe and sound in my safe, and will remain so as long as... well, you know, you keep doing the right thing. Oh, and next time you're in Moscow, I've got a great hooker for you, you know, she'll do that messy thing you like.

Trump: Ooooh! Make America "Grate' again, and make me keep coming! Thank you, my Handler.

Putin: Dismissed!

Trump: Sir, Yes, Sir!