Not sure if I'm ever going to get it right.
Unless you're a pedophile, a rapist, a murderer, a homophob, a racist or a thief, you don't owe anybody an apology or an explanation for who you are.
Stop wasting time and energy on trying to "get it right" and start going out and finding ways to manifest the things you want out of life.
Define "right"....and is it for "right now" or ?
Relationships are impossible to "get right" in some settled way that means there's never going to be a disagreement or argument or misunderstanding. And intimate relationships raise the stakes in that regard.
I came to a tipping point several years ago where I decided that I was never going expect / hope to find stable, sustainable emotional understanding or safety with another human being. If I do, it will be a nice surprise. I have learned to accept intermittent, somewhat conditional and certainly imperfect refuge, though, and as such, it becomes reasonable for me to expect that sort of tolerance from my partner. The shrinks, I think, call this "giving back your projections".
Maybe you have some real personal shortcomings that sabotage your relationships, and maybe you don't. I have seen people walk on water in terms of personal goodness if you will ... and still have failed relationships though. There are NO guarantees in life. Other People are messy. If you don't want that, if you don't want to compromise and change and put up with bullshit and endlessly forgive and if you don't want to live with the knowledge that someone else is doing that for you, too ... then you probably should fly solo going forward.
I loved your posts. that is all.