When you have a long term (30ryr) friendship and it keeps becoming more work trying to figure out where you really stand with this person...do you just let it drop by the wayside? Or, do you continue to struggle on, questioning yourself as to why when you interact with this person, you come away most of the time, not liking yourself! I find myself, trying not to say something that she wants to correct or admonish me over! And that can be simple an observation or an opinion on something and ‘god forbid,’ don’t make an emotional or passionate remark over something! There may be quirks in my personality that are kinda ‘out there,’ ...I rarely keep stuff in and you will know exactly where I am coming from. I like things settled, too! Tomorrow brings it’s own set of situation...don’t want to carry over added baggage from days past! But, when a long time friend, has not been able to accept you, the way that you are...is it time to close that chapter and grieve your loss? Bringing myself up out of confusion over who I am, after interacting with her...is getting tiring! Where is the value in this kind of friendship?
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.I think if someone is making you feel bad on this level it's over.
In the past couple years have cut ties with those who are too hard to be around.
One I still speak with but just the other day was reminded why this came to be, an old friend of ours (16 years!)
While I miss being able to say to myself "that's just how they are" and accept them for who they are and try to enjoy what remains, the bottom line is in the latter case, he's still a sick fuck yet a santimonious nincompoop.
The last straws were my feeling betrayed on more than one occasion. I could never see him the same again, and I quit trying to justify his behavior & the crap that comes out of his mouth.
Qualia
Level 8
Aug 16, 2018
0
...and it is liberating to know that we do not have to be friends with any or everyone! I was coditioned that It was my own fault, if I couldn’t get along with everyone! And, sometimes I will fall into that trap, trying to be more understanding. These situations are getting fewer and farther apart...but they still sting! Thanks for the input.
@Freedompath You don't owe your life or what gives you peace of mind to anybody.
I know it's hard, all the time.... I do it too (16 years!) but I also ignored what was a serious problem to a whole other lot of people because "they've been my friend forever, nevermind I'm beginning to see this" until it just got to be too much.
This last incident: scenario, having drinks at a bar and listening to him refer to his brother's late mother in law this way; "it took the bitch 10 years to die", on the topic of her having alzheimer's. I give it a minute then ask "what was she like before she was ill?"
Him: "Oh she was nice enough, a dolt, but nice, it was when she began to decline that she became difficult".
My thought bubble "Ooook then, no one gets a pass for being ill"
I can only imagine what he says about me behind my back...
That and a whole laundry list of things I'm just done. His default is nasty, sour, and judgemental. All made worse that he fancies himself superior but somehow has never managed to be in a long term relationship. Gee, I wonder why.
@Qualia I say leave these people with more experienced folks that will take their crap...really ‘lack of soul!’ They pull the rug from under me! Thanks for helping me!
My circle of friends ( I'm not certain there are enough to actually make a circle ) has gotten pretty small. Becuase of my profession l meet alot of people. I have a large number of acquaintance. It keeps things simpler .
It's not as difficult to decide as you think. Sometimes people change over time. Those changes may not be compatible with who you are anymore. So if the relationship is no longer fun and/or mutually beneficial, it may have expired.
Sgt_Spanky
Level 8
Aug 16, 2018
2
So true!
It sounds like you're trying to justify a toxic relationship while questioning the very need for a justification. The dynamics of the relationship have changed over time and, apparently, not for the better. As great and admirable as it is to have long-time friendships, the friendship aspect seems to have dropped from this one. If all that remains of this one is bitterness and it produces self-doubt, it's time to let it go.
chalupacabre
Level 8
Aug 16, 2018
2
You put it clearly!
Be it temporary or permanent, you need to put some distance between you and your friend. If I were in that situation, part of me would want to try very hard to understand her behavior. Is she dealing with depression, dementia, other personal challenges? I would hate to withdraw support if it were needed. It does sound as though you have given her the benefit of the doubt.
itsmedammit
Level 8
Aug 16, 2018
1
The truth is she is the same as she has always been...just more so! She is on the evangelical side and ruled with a lot of fear and I had hoped she would change, but the fear part is still ruling her...that is the reason she is always trying to correct my opinions and passionate behavior...and I am tired of putting myself back together after interacting with her! I think that I am getting clear on that now..,
You don't say how old she is but could she be declining mentally, or depressed? Either way you have to take care of yourself.
GreatNani
Level 8
Aug 16, 2018
1
She is 80...very sharp individual! My belief is that...it is her fear...she cannot trust that we are equals in our own right! That is what I believe and we have had discussions over this in the past! She has spent a lot of time, trying to complete with me on some level and I do not enjoy being put into that position! She is way more driven than I am, so she may be smarter! But, I operate with little fear and I think that throws her off...I think that it is getting cleared up and I can leave her without regret, now!
@Freedompath Then I think you can let her go. And if she is upset about it she can work on making it better.
Well.... I had a very similar friend who, while very funny and charming when he wanted to be, was also aggravating and off-putting, kept almost everyone at an emotional arm's length, and was increasingly difficult to be around.
He resolved the issue for me by dying of complications from diabetes and heart disease, so, lucky escape there for me, eh? Although not so much for him. I do miss the old crock terribly and I'm still not done telling him off for not taking better care of himself. If he was right, as a Lutheran, then surely he can hear me cussing his ass out whenever I drink whiskey and remember him. Knowing how he lived, though, he's not hearing me from Heaven, he's plotting a rebellion in Hell. (Again, that's if his views were right. Otherwise I'm just still dealing with my own grief when I chew him out in absentia. Crotchety bastard he may have been, but still my friend for over 30 years. Dammit.)
I don't know on what level if any this is helpful to you. Just realize whatever you decide, there will be some part of you that will miss the friendship, but you have to do what's best for you.
Paul4747
Level 8
Aug 16, 2018
3
I am not so sure that I will miss this friend now...a friend appreciates you as you are, not because they have an opportunity to change you into something else. It looks like you accepted your friend as he WAS and he may have behaved likewise...that is what matters! It is the most loving thing to accept someone for themselves...I have not had this with my friend...I was always trying to prove my worthiness! And, I feel like I come up short...it is sad!
I’d have hung it up by now...I take a good bit, then suddenly I’m DONE. I have done the door slam on two friends in the past year, one of 12 years, the other 25 years. One became a rabid Republican conspiracy freak, which made her very unpleasant to try to interact with; the other went through a divorce and became very toxic and verbally abusive.
One I did tell I was suspending contact—the Republican.
With toxic people though: don’t bother. Cut and run, go no contact and protect yourself. They always do smear campaigns of some sort; ignore it.
Letting go of those two was the right thing. I hope you find what’s right for you.
CarolinaGirl60
Level 8
Aug 16, 2018
0
Thanks...it is not healthy for sure!
I just realized that if it was someone else, I would not have been in contact with her again.
@Freedompath it’s hard to give up on friends. Even harder when it’s a spous or partner.
@moonmaid I agree. I’ve had two friends, and several toxic partners or dates. The pain of abuse outweighs the pain of separation.
Sounds like you have an emotionally abusive gaslighter "friend." BAD news.
Dump her immediately, delete her from your social media, when people ask about her say, you've grown apart, and never contact her again.
birdingnut
Level 8
Aug 15, 2018
1
Thanks...sad!
I agree: no contact is the only way!
I think she is a ‘gaslighter’...that is the reason I kept thinking I could do something to make our friendship better. I felt it was on me...and yet I know I can’t change into someone else, to accommodate her ideas of what I ought to be!
Gf, it's time..you know this, she knows this..don't torture yourself any longer..say goodbyes.
Charlene
Level 9
Aug 15, 2018
0
I was afraid of that...
@Freedompath why? You know change is a constant..personally and in relationships..life evolves..embrace the change..as you always have..?
@Charlene yes! Change for everyone else...I forget that means me too!
Sometimes a person needs a temporary break.
CallMeDave
Level 8
Aug 15, 2018
2
Or a permanent break. Toxic people, abusive people very, very rarely get better. They OFTEN get worse.
@CarolinaGirl60 well...the truth is, she runs ‘hot or cold’ and if anything she is being worse. I wanted to give her time to grow and change, Lol...but by this time, I should know at 80, she is not likely to change much! I surely would have seen it by now, lol ...I have broken away from her several times in the past, but when we take up together again, the same process will soon start up again! I may have to deal with a ‘guilt’ factor in letting her go, ( I didn’t try hard enough etc)...as I do need to let her go.
@Freedompath Have you done any research on abuse and toxic people? There’s a cycle to abuse, and it goes kinda like this:
1-‘honeymoon’ or reunited, all is fantastic, hurts are forgiven etc.
2-rosiness fades, tensions begin to mount. Might be steady or fluctuating, but overall tension increases. Might feel you are ‘walking on eggshells’ to avoid explosions.
3-Abuse episode/s: relieves their pressure.
4-aftermath: they might express remorse, especially if there are consequences. Often begin to win back target of abuse.
Larger, rinse, repeat.
Emotional abuse is the worst; I’ve experienced all kinds. It’s hard to escape, and hard to heal. Check out the abuse survivor group here, if you like. Pinterest has some good stuff too.
@Freedompath Don’t feel guilty: that’s an abuse tactic, one of many in which the abuser ‘blames’ the target. Have you heard of the narcissist’s ‘prayer’? I’m not saying anyone is a narcissist, but the sentiment fits:
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