It's depressing that I am financially better off with relying on SSI than I would be having a job. My SSI is both more reliable/stable and oddly enough allows me more funds than a first job would offer when income and SSI based subsidies and automatic healthcare are taken into mind along side having to hire someone to do the things I do around my household and for my son. I want so badly to break free but I struggle with creativity on how to break free....... there is too much red tape and the lack of compassion and generosity doesn't help.... and that's the screwed up thing, when it starts to seem like I might be about to receive help that I need it's almost like I push people away trying to convince them to think of something I can give in return as I really don't like receiving without giving something in exchange. For some things that I want or need and would require help to acquire or achieve........ I don't require a means to return the favor, as such things are asked for so I can have something needed to help others and would gladly use it for the benefit of the helper.... and those kinds of things are even harder to acquire help for for some reason I can't comprehend. I have a lot of passion for what I want to do but can't escape reliance without risking losing everything, yes... worst case scenario if I were to try and get a job is that my wife, my son, and even my mother and her boyfriend as well as my wife and I's friend Harley as well as myself.... we'd all end up homeless through a fucked up chain reaction all the while hope for saving my wife's first born from her pedophilic malignant narcissist mother would also be lost..... and trying to save him is the whole reason for our financial struggle of late in the first place.