So, I went on my first date since the passing of my wife with a beautiful, mature, charming, spirited and, dare I say, sexy woman, but, alas, she had to gently break my heart. There are a number of missteps I made along the way as my step-daughter/dating-coach could tell you, but I think the bottom line is that I am still a fairly recent widower with a giant hole in my heart that I am a little too desperate to fill and I was being a bit "stalky" with my date. Agnostic had us pegged as highly compatible and I ran with it. I was being overly optimistic, which is odd since I am fundamentally a pessimist. I guess the thought of meeting a beautiful and compatible woman got the best of me. Nevertheless, she agreed to a date and we managed to have over two hours of polite conversation. Not surprising since we are a match on paper. We probably could have made of a go of it if I weren't such a trainwreck. I am not beating myself up about it. There is no shame in being a work in progress, especially since I am working my way up from pretty much rock bottom. My advice to those like me is to calm the f down. Take it slow. Don't count your chickens before they hatch as it were.
Anyway, if my date should happen across this post I hope you know there are no hard feelings. It was a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Thanks to all for letting me share. Much love to you all.
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7 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Be yourself! A good partner can understand and figure in where you are coming from....maybe not if you were both 20, but by now a bit of wisdom should have crept in!
AnneWimsey
Level 9
Sep 7, 2018
0
It's been 2 1/2 years since I lost my SO. I tried dating a year ago and clearly realized that I was not ready. It may be the same for you. It takes time, that's all. So far, I have not met that person, though I'm open to the opportunity. I just don't dwell on it.
BlackDove
Level 7
Sep 6, 2018
2
Yeah, this is definitely the most difficult experience ever. Even worse than losing my mom when I was 19. My coach thinks I should just chill and "sow my oats", i.e., let my gay side take the wheel for awhile.
How long has it been since your wife died? You need to grieve and heal before jumping into dating.
Apart from getting my former mother-in-law loaded on White Russians, the quickest and best way to ruin the good and fun times is to load them up with expectations in advance.
Desperation drives people away. Live and learn. Slow it down.
LiterateHiker
Level 9
Sep 6, 2018
1
It's been a little over 5 months. The thing is, my wife saw this coming and told me years ago that when she is gone I need to get on with my life. I think I just jumped a little too soon.
Indeed.
For sure.
In my readings on how men & women deal with loss of a spouse (or GF, SO) They often dive right in as a form of "transference". It doesn't mean they loved less. Just another one of those differences in coping between genders.
Sort of, as I see it, some people getting a new puppy after losing a beloved dog. Bad analogy to some maybe but it's true. I'd probably be this way, if I didn't get another right away it would be a loooong time before I took the plunge again.
Just thinking out loud here as someone who has also lost their spouse and joined the shitty club that is widowhood.
I wonder how long it's been since you lost your wife, although neither here nor there sometimes a prolonged illness can start the mourning process much earlier than outsiders realize.
After I found out I'm capable of having "feelings" for someone again also discovered some of my "default" settings need to be reworked as it's an entirely new ballgame now that I'm older & 22+ years have passed since I was available.
Men seem very often to want to move quickly if they're truly interested, which can be spooky but also throw a lot of us off as the alternative is too often lukewarm.
It's too bad how differently men & women fall. Seems to me it's all about aligning stars.
I am relieved however, to find out I'm not dead and it's possible, as I truly didn't entertain the idea that anyone could get to me again.
Qualia
Level 8
Sep 6, 2018
2
About 5 months ago. My wife had dementia the last 5 months of her life. It was brutal. Indeed, I was mourning long before she died.
Well, being a man, I suffer from man brain. Whatever chemicals are released when a man admires a woman, I got em in spades. I just love women. I work at an K - 7 school and most of the teachers are women. I love them all. Anyway, yeah, I should take it easy.
Made me think of something my late wife used to say: You are not allowed to die. Anyway, yeah, I'm glad to hear you are not dead.
You have the right attitude .it was 3 years after my husband died before I could even think about dating. The most important thing is you took that chance and you went out. As you said, it's a work in progress and it takes time. Best of luck !
Kojaksmom
Level 8
Sep 6, 2018
3
I have changed a lot since my wife died. I was angry and bitter at the world due in no small part to being a witness to my wife slowly dying. Her death while painful being words brought some relief. Her suffering was over and the burden of watching her suffer was lifted. Moreover, she made it clear she didn't want me moping around forever. Especially when my birthday came a couple of months after her death, I knew she would want me to use that as a starting point to get my shit together. This site popped up on my FB feed and thought, why not? Anyway, yeah, got out of my comfort zone and I am still alive. thanks and best of luck to you too.
@RandyTerry sometimes it is true that you're not desperate to find someone and start a new relationship ,but you're desperate to get over the pain.
Hey - you have to start somewhere. Time and self realization will move you forward.
evergreen
Level 8
Sep 6, 2018
2
Yeah, moving forward. It's letting go that is kind of hard.
@RandyTerry I understand. The transition isn't always easy - forward momentum is sometimes blocked. Be kind to yourself !
You have the right attitude. You learned something from it. And wonderful your step daughter is your dating coach!
GreatNani
Level 8
Sep 6, 2018
3
My coach did rake me over the coals a few times. Nevertheless, she is very proud of me. I am grateful to have her around.
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