It was an over 20 years relationship/betrayal for me. It takes time and patience to get over it.

Honestly, I don't mean to be a fun sponge here but I don't think we do get over betrayal. The pain mellows over time and you just learn to accept/live with it.

Many of us have a tendency to catasrophize like that. Ten years in a relationship that didn't work out aren't "wasted". They're a learning experience. You'll do better next time. Or not ... and you'll do better the time after that. You're allowed to be human.

I left an abusive relationship after 15 years, when I was 34. Wasted? My two children came out of that union. Would they want to be regarded as a waste? What about my 4 grandchildren? My son died 2 years ago. Was his life therefore a waste? Was the last time I took him out for breakfast a waste, since a few days later he was dead anyway? My 2nd wife died after 13 years. Was that a waste? What is a "waste" exactly? Things don't always go well. In retrospect, we would often do things different. It's that way for all of us.

We don't get to decry about something being a waste when it doesn't turn out how we wanted it to. Also we're not entitled to things to turn out the way we want or the way they allegedly "should". It falls to us to flex with life, not to insist it flex for us.

I'm put in mind of Stephen King's Dark Tower universe where children are sometimes born "slow muties" (mentally challenged) and these children are referred to as "roont" (ruined). What a moniker to be burdened with, just for being born with issues someone wasn't planning on! To be considered throw-away from birth because of something you didn't ask for or cause.

If it's wrong to regard anyone as "less than" then it's wrong to regard your life as less than. It just is what it is. It'll be okay. You'll be okay. Nothing is "roont". It just didn't go well. Steer from there and it will have a tendency to go better. Be kind to yourself and you'll be more resilient when it doesn't.

Oh sweetie, I wasted 35 years on a philandering, very good liar!
Now happier than I have Ever been! Treat yourself well, work on finding out what you really like, get dressed today or not, enjoy controlling the remote, the decor, the people you surround yourself with. Get a shelter pet.....in short, forget the as whole & concentrate on YOU!

You dont' get over it, but cimply do your best to learn from it and more forward.

The best revenge is to life a goo dlife in spite of those who have wronged you, and show them that in the end they didn't affect your success and happiness.

My best friend of 40+ years from the military betrayed me, his oath of enlistment, the Constitution and his own 'god'. I will never 'get over it'. The last time we saw each other and spoke was the last time.

By deciding they're not going to take any more from your life than they already have.

Forgive (which does not mean condone), forget, and move on to a new chapter of YOU !

I can only tell you how I dealt with it.

This is going back about seven years ago when I first discovered my wife was cheating; I was emotionally destroyed. My first reptilian brain level impulse was to get revenge on both of them in some way. Fortunately, I'm a rational man so I got control of myself and I sat down with myself to examine the situation and determine if I had done anything to bring it on -- and I had.

I acknowledged what it was I had done wrong that motivated her to seek attention elsewhere. I had taken her for granted and been neglectful to her needs for too long. I was far from blameless and so I made the determination to fix that behavior and I did but it was too late, she had fallen out of love with me.

The affairs -- there were two -- were symptomatic of a greater problem. It's been years since the cheating happened and even though we're divorced now we spend a lot of time going out on dates together, talking on the phone and basically working to heal all these old wounds.

The affairs happened at the height of our disconnect from each other. I never stopped loving her so I had to put the betrayal into perspective. I don't see it as having been a wasted marriage, I see it as two people who both made bad decisions and did stupid things. As painful as it all was, I've chosen to learn from it rather than wallow in hate and anger toward her.

Don't know if any of this is helpful to you but I hope there's something of value in it.

Live in the moment, and accept pain as part of life. You are a whole person, and do not need anyone to be content.

You have developed couple habits, which will fade in time. Until they do, you will suffer the loss of a loved one. You may be in mourning for a couple of years. It is normal.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'll be watching this post, as I also dearly want to know how to process betrayal.

Mine was over an 8 year period, and while I sometimes wonder if I wasted 8 years of my life, that could have been spent in another direction, with more positive results, I have to take responsibility for making the poor choice in trusting this person, in stupidly believing that it wasn't as bad as it seemed, that if I was just open enough to accept his transgressions, everything would be okay. It was my choice to ignore the signs I saw, and to stupidly trust it would get better. I just didn't want to believe anyone would betray me, while I kept asking for honesty.

I think I've learned to 1) take responsibility for ignoring signs 2) focus on the good times 3) take what I've learned to prevent betrayal like this going forward.

So for now, I've just learned to be happy on my own, so there is no hole in my life. I've filled it with enjoying all the things in life I couldn't do while involved with my betrayer. (He was extremely jealous and gave me a hard time anytime I left the house, going to work or a walk with a girlfriend, anything, which was projection since HE was the one who couldn't be trusted.) Love myself as I deserve. Cut him off from any more chances and be strong in life without this person who didn't not value me enough to be honest and honorable.

You don't you just pick yourself up and keep going as they say time is the Healer of all wounds you know you just have to give it time and keep moving forward and try to be positive

Cling to life and reach out to others..

okay, I don't have any advice on how to, but I do have some advice on how not to.

don't set their shit on fire. you will soon be in a room with soft walls or iron bars, and as soon as the rush wears off you will realize it's not worth it.

don't grab on to the first person to make you feel better by giving you affection. take an honest and critical look at what they are actually offering. this will avoid you being a year down the road wondering who the person in your bed with you actually is.

don't start hurting other people. it's easy to do, the defenses are up and primed, and the trigger finger is itching for payback, but you can alienate some people who otherwise could have helped you get through it.