it would be pretty uncool. it would send the message that you did not care about your wife's final wishes. being there won't convert you or otherwise harm you or send a false message to anyone. the proper message, the one that will be sent, is that you love your wife.

g

Funerals and memorials are for the survivors, to give them comfort. I would focus on the people who are gathering and not the dogma. Having come from my mother's funeral yesterday, I can tell you how grateful I am for the people who came to honor her, regardless of their beliefs.

It's true that funerals are for the living, not the dead. However, you're part of the funeral, I'm afraid. Whatever comfort could be derived by others from the funeral services would be blunted by the scandalizing fact that you don't attend your own wife's funeral. It's just not a hill you should choose to die on. This is one of those times when you have to ask yourself if you want to be right or happy.

In any event ... you're not "condoning" religion by attending or allowing the funeral to conform to your wife's wishes, any more than a fundamentalist Christian is "condoning" homosexuality by treating gay persons kindly.

Nothing good can come from sitting this out; you'll be seen as a dick. Worse: a godless dick. Also you'll feel guilty. Just endure a couple hours of Christian bloviation; this, too, shall pass. Also ... funerals are more about people comforting each other the best they know how to, and being present for each other; approach it on that level and regard the extra ritual and verbiage as other people's baggage to deal with.

Finally ... if you're in any way avoiding this because you're trying to avoid your own grief, trust me, you're not really avoiding anything, it will catch up with you no matter how far you run. If you let it, the funeral will give you some closure, in spite of the religious claptrap.

All that said, I'm not suggesting a memorial service is mandatory in every scenario -- just in this one, because of respect for your wife's wishes and what appears to be her many religious friends.

You should be there and I agree that I do not like funerals myself. You are correct in that it is more about the survivors than your deceased wife. Even so, try to brave through this. It will help all the other survivors.

Given that she has explicitly said she wants you there, I think you need to go -- as much for you and for anyone else. You've been together for a long time and she's asking you to give up a few hours of your time. I think if you want not to be involved in the planning that's ok, however, it might get really religious.You might be able to lean it to a more secular program If you have any thoughts about staying friendly with her family I think you need to go. So as much as I'd like to come up with anything that will let you off the hook, what you've written makes me think you need to do it. One last thought, I've found in my life that I don't regret the things I've done -- I regret the things I didn't do. If you don't attend, how will you feel the next day? Let this be your last gift to her.

What do YOU think? Are you and your wife no longer married? Have you drifted apart?